Getting me through (part ll)

My faith in the Lord has been the thing that has helped me get through.  I read a book this summer written by Charles Stanley, How to Listen to God.  It was Mom’s book, and it was phenomenal.  The one statement that stood out in my mind was, “The same God who gave you the job is the One who allowed it to be taken away.”   CHECK….  I really don’t believe it is God’s will that I not coach, but He also allowed this to be sifted through His hands.  He could have intervened and stopped things from happening.  I asked God to use the situation to work out the best way.

U  Is your faith in the Lord?  U

U  Are you trying to listen to Him?  U

Another thing that has helped me get through is a letter from that one volleyball player of mine who changed so dramatically.  She walked into my office near the end of the school year and handed me a letter I will cherish for the rest of my life.  The reason I have not mentioned her name is because of one of the statements she wrote in the letter.

The first part of the letter was about volleyball stuff and how excited she was about the upcoming volleyball season (before she found out I was not coaching.)  She wrote, “Coach Glenn, I want to thank you.  Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.  Thank you for sacrificing your time to coach, not just during the season, but summers too.  Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed to talk.  Thank you for being a Godly influence for me.  Thank you for making me laugh all the time.  But most of all, thank you for never giving up on me.  No matter how bad it got, you never quit on me.  After my friends, my teachers, even my family gave up on me…you never did.  And when I fell so far that I even gave up on myself, you were still there.  After I was such a jerk to you.  You never left my side.  You stayed on me until I changed my ways.  God only knows where I would be today if it wasn’t for you.  Coach Glenn, you saved me.  In all honesty, I don’t know if I would even be alive today if it weren’t for you.  Thank you for never giving up on me.  Thank you for telling me how proud of me you are.  I don’t hear it that much, and it gets to me every time.  I love you coach.”  And she signed her name.

U  Is there someone in your life God has placed before you to be their cheerleader when everyone else has walked away?  U

Stanley, Charles. How to Listen to God. Nashville:  Thomas Nelson, Inc.,

         Publishers, 1985. 41.

The death of my coaching career

People have been asking how my summer was because it is the last week before I start back with pre-planning. I have to catch myself in how I answer. At first, I reply it was good then change my response because it has not been good. Actually, it has been the worst summer I have ever had.

 

I did not get to coach the volleyball team I so badly wanted to coach.  I wavered in telling the administration what I wanted to do, and in the end I asked to work part-time and coach my volleyball team.  At first, I did not know exactly what I wanted to do.  My final contract said full time p.e. teacher, and I was not coaching volleyball.  This was going to be their big year.  My setter was a senior, and my two middle hitters were juniors.  I expected them to be in the final four this year.

I was at a volleyball camp and some of my girls on my volleyball team were there.  One of them asked me if I was coaching varsity next year.  I was going to wait until the camp was over before I told them.  I did not want them mumbling and carrying on like teenagers do when they are upset about something, so I told them.  I knew I was going to cry, and I did.  It was real hard for me.  I was concerned about a particular girl because of the bond we have acquired over the last few years.  I saw she was upset and had tears in her eyes, so I pulled her to the side and talked to her.  She did not want for there to be change.  She wanted for me to be the coach and have our great road trips as we traveled to the out-of-town games.  We talked for a long while.  I told her I loved her and gave her a hug.  I told her to put her chin up because everyone would be watching her and her attitude after she found out the bad news.

When I first had her on my team, she was going through a period of rebellion.  I constantly would talk with her in my office.  One day, she almost quit the team.  I prayed for her often and never gave up on her.  I have never in all my life seen someone turn around their life like she did.  It was a complete one hundred and eighty degree turn.  I would frequently tell her how proud I was of her and how she was going to be the leader of the team.  The team would look to her for leadership and direction.

I talked with her a few weeks ago, and she had not been going to the open gyms during the summer because she did not think she would have a good attitude.  I was so proud of her for being so mature.  A week ago, I talked with her again.  She made reference to it being hard wanting to play, and I told her it has been hard for me too.

She told me one or possibly two other players were not going to play.  I talked with the other girl yesterday, and she said she was not going to play.  One of the girls said the reason she played last year was because of me.  Here was a team that was solid, and now it is starting to break up.  They will still be very good, and hopefully will make it to the final four.

***** I chose the ostrich photo because the team used an ostrich as our "mascot," and we had a personal joke about the ostrich.

Standing still in time

Today was really strange.  As I was riding back from the movies, I started thinking about everything that has been happening to me.  I thought about my kids then felt peaceful.  I noticed the cross on a nearby church pass through the direct sun above then a dove flew over my car.  The next few minutes were very strange, like I have never experienced before.  I really can’t put it into words because there are no words in the English language to describe it.  If I had to explain it, I would say that as I was driving it was as if everything was standing still even though it was moving.  I was driving, but I really was not there.  It was as if everything stood still and all was quiet.  This continued even after I got out of the car, so I went out to the front porch to sort things out.  I sat down in the rocking chair to think, and then it was okay.  My next thoughts were, is this it?  Am I going to die today, this way?

My head sometimes has felt as if it were numb over my left ear.  When it happened before, I can’t remember where it was that was numb or how long ago this happened.  When I am in the car and the air conditioner is blowing the air near my ear, my ear feels sensitive to my hair touching it.  I am going to see a doctor next week, about a strange popping that I has been happening in the left part of my neck, as I reposition my head on my pillow at night. 

I will bombard him with all the other crazy things that have been happening to me, and I will ask for guidance as to where I should go from here.  I guess I should see a neurologist and maybe get a cat scan.  I would just like to know what is going on, and I may not get the answers I want right away, but hopefully I will. 

My neck has been real stiff today, my skin has been itching a lot in different places, and I seem to have a lot of gas lately.  Basically, I am falling apart.  Ashton is sitting next to me and wants to read what I am writing, and I told him he couldn’t.  He did not need to know what I was writing about .

If this disease is going to take my life, then I am going to be proactive and make sure the spiritual things I want to teach my kids will be accomplished.  Ashton was watching baseball on TV today and was speaking as if he wanted to be a professional baseball player.  I told him whatever he did he would have to do it as unto the Lord.  He noticed how one player threw his bat and helmet down, and he made a comment about it.  I told him a lot of young people were watching that player, and he needed to be an example.  I told Ashton even if other players were doing something wrong, he should not jump in.  I am also trying to be sensitive when the kids ask me if I can do something with them.  Last night, it was Ashton wanting to play UNO Attack while I was typing, so I stopped and played with him and tonight it was Lauren not being able to get to sleep.  I took my laptop onto my bed and typed in there as she lay down next to me.

U  How can you pour your life into your children/grandchildren?  U

U  Have you instilled Jesus in them?  U

Symptoms

 

While the muscle twitching has still been going on for over a week, I have noticed my foot occasionally will catch on the pavement as I walk.  I just kind of catch myself and not fall.  Today, I had to scoop ice cream for a birthday party.  The ice cream was very hard, and I had difficulty scooping it as anyone else would.  My arm though was exhausted.

After the disease would leave my arm paralyzed, I thought about wearing a sling on my arm instead of letting it dangle down.  As I am writing this though, I have not been to the first doctor but just know that this is my prognosis.  I thought about this upcoming volleyball season and whether or not I will be able to finish it.  I also wondered whether or not I will be able to finish the school year and what the kids at school will think.  I was just flooded with thoughts today.  I thought about my sisters and Dad wanting to come up and see me and when I should tell them.  I thought about my shower and having wheelchair access.  I thought about how quickly ALS would ravish my body, and how I would not be able to run my fingers through Ashton’s hair.  Yep, just me and God; that’s all I will have.

Graduation

We had our graduation ceremony at school today.  I always enjoy watching the students graduate and as usual was touched emotionally during the ceremony.  The part that was difficult for me was the senior video they showed with various pictures of the students when they were little.  It made me think about my kids and not getting to see them graduate.  I thought about gathering their pictures this summer for them to have for their graduation. 

What He is teaching me

As I was driving home today, the thought passed through my mind about what the Lord was trying to teach me through all of this.  The two things that clearly appeared to me were to be satisfied with Him and only Him, and to depend on Him.  As Mom was slowly deteriorating, Jesus was all she had to get her through each minute and second of the day.  There were times no one was there to comfort her during the wee hours of the night or during the day as she was scared, lonely, and discouraged.  Sure she could have woken Dad up and sought his help, but she probably was tired of having to wake him up for every other little thing.  Can you imagine not being able to pick up your hand to rub your nose when it itched?  She had to totally depend on Him.  Maybe this is just preparing me for things to come.

U  Are you satisfied with Him and only Him, and are you depending on Him?  U

A note from a friend

As I was waiting to go into church Sunday, I read a card I received from Nancy.  In the card, it stated the healing scriptures I have been dealing with may be for my own benefit.  Now that I look back, it was for me.  She also wrote and told me He (the Lord) may use this time to force others to grow closer to Him in a way they never would have.  The Lord already knew what a stressful year it had been with starting a new business, teaching full time, coaching, and trying to keep on top of being a mother and wife.

I decided yesterday to tell Nancy I thought I had Lou Gehrig’s disease.   I knew she would pray for me and not tell anyone. When I told her, she said she would pray for me and not tell anyone.

At the bottom again

I went through a series of events that sent me once again to rock bottom.  I think this was the lowest moment in my life.  One thing concerned my job and possibly not getting to coach my varsity team, but the other was even more devastating.  Friday night, I came to the realization I may have the same disease Mom died from.  I am so tired of crying.  I am ready to be on the mountain top again.  I’ve been having a lot of twitching in my muscles lately.  A little over a week ago, it was a twitch in my right calf muscle.  For the last week, it has been a twitch in my upper arm.  For two days, it was pretty much been on and off all day.  As I have been reading stories of people and their struggles with ALS, muscle twitching has been a symptom in a lot of cases.  I will also have a random twitch here and there in other body parts.

I basically accepted this was the case and broke down Friday night.  So many thoughts ran through my mind:

*How I got what I wanted about being with Jesus.

*My pride in occasionally thinking of the muscular body I had, and now it would be wasted away.

*Paul having to deal with three businesses and me.

*Thinking about the things I would find solitude in.

*My job.

*My church having to go through what Mom’s church did.

*When would I tell my sisters and Dad?

*Would I able to be as strong as Mom was? 

I thought it was too early to tell my family because I did not want to stress them about whether or not I had ALS.  I do wish I could tell them, so they could pray for me.  But for now, Paul is the only one who knows.  At school and church, I just say I have an unspoken prayer request.

U Are you looking at the Lord or your circumstances?  U