Over and over

Over and over in my mind, I played out all the events that flashed before my eyes.  The comments she said to me, Mom before she was sick, her last breaths, my reactions during that time, Dad crying, the phone calls, really…… just everything.  The few days after she died, every time I would think of her, the same song kept playing in my mind.  Even today, the song that rings out in my mind is, “Miracle of Mercy,” and is sung by Steven Curtis Chapman.  The amazing thing is the CD was produced in 1994, and I had not listened to the CD in years.  Yet, the song gave me comfort.  I think the Lord just laid the song on my heart because He knew I needed to remember the words.

For the first two weeks after Mom passed away, I just came home, took a shower, and went to bed.  I was away from the Lord these two weeks and remembered telling Him I was going to come back to Him soon.

"Dad's love schedule"

One week after Mom passed away, Joann sent us an e-mail concerning, “Dad’s love schedule.”  She wanted to make sure Dad was taken care of, and we kept the schedule of when we were going to come down, but now to “take care of Dad.”  She also mentioned things that needed to be done and started planning ahead for the menu of our big Easter meal. 

For a while after Mom passed away, people from Dad’s church brought him food to help him get back on his feet.  Alice, Lurlyn, and Betty put together scrapbooks with the cards and letters Mom received.

U  Are there other people you could make a “love schedule” for?  U

U  Can you offer to take meals to them now that they are by themself?  U

Dreading going back to work

I did not want to go back to work when I got back to Athens because I knew how terribly hard it was going to be.  I knew a lot of people would sporadically hear Mom passed away, and when they would say something to me, I would get upset.  I just wanted to crawl somewhere and hide.  It was extremely hard especially when people did not know she had passed away, and they asked me how Mom was doing.  This happened at work and also at church.

 

U  Are you realizing how hard it is going to be on your loved one to go to work or church again?  U

 

U  Can you remember to pray for them?  U

Different stages

I really enjoyed reading Final Gifts that was written by two Hospice nurses.  It talks about final gifts people who are dying leave their families; things such as wisdom, faith, and love.  It helped me to understand the different stages people go through when they learn someone is sick and going to die.  The stages are bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  Since I thought the Lord was going to heal Mom, my sisters were at a different stage than me.  They had already gone through all the stages and had accepted she was going to die.

 

The weekend after Mom died was the hardest for me.  On March 21^st, I went to my cookie shop because it was closed and typed a lot.  I was talking to Joann, telling her how I felt.  I guess I was in the depression stage.  She called back a few days later to check on me because she was worried.  She was concerned about my faith because I thought Mom was going to be healed, and she was not.

 

The book stated, “Some wait to die until certain people arrive, or until others leave, or until the ones they care about most have the right kind of support.”  I struggle with this statement the authors made, “….understand that if the dying person wants you there when death comes, you probably will be there; if he doesn’t, you probably won’t.”  It reminded me again of the guilty feelings of me leaving when she told me not to.  That she wanted me there to possibly pass away sooner.  It made me think she did not want Nana and Julie to see her like she was, and she passed away before they got there.  I don’t know if these are correct doctrinal statements concerning God’s will about death.  One day I guess I can ask Him that question. 

 

She wanted me to be there when she passed away.  Why me?  I guess she thought I would handle it best.  It was extremely stressful to go through, but I wanted to be there.  She probably did not want to put the burden on Jamie because she is pregnant or on Dad either.

 

I have had to deal with my grief head on in writing this book.  I called my sisters and Dad asking them questions to make sure I wrote everything as accurately as possible.  I hope I have not made any errors and have tried the best I could with my limited recollection.  This book was written from MY perspective, and I may have read certain things into different situations.

 

Other family members are dealing with the loss of Mom differently.  I feel as though one person is keeping their feelings suppressed, or at an arm’s length.  I guess in order to not deal with it or to protect them.  Maybe she does not want to tackle all the emotions because it is too painful for now.  I have the video and pictures of Mom’s funeral, and she is not ready to see them yet.  I am adding this paragraph ten months after Mom’s death. 

 

A member of Mom’s church gave me a tiny booklet called, Healing the Griefs of Life; it is a great little booklet concerning grief.  The author recommends six steps when experiencing grief, and in the final step he recommends helping someone who is grieving.  This is where I am now.  This is one of the reasons I feel the Lord wants me to write this book.

U  Are you allowing yourself to grieve or are you suppressing your emotions?  U

Callanan, Maggie and Patricia Kelley. Final Gifts. New York: Bantam Books, 1997.
       197, 228.

Ogilvie, Lloyd John. Healing the Griefs of Life. Hollywood: Let God Love You,

       1994.

“I love you” (part l)

“I love you,” are the hardest words for Dad to say.  His parents did not tell him that, and he is not that way.  When we were growing up we never doubted whether Dad loved us.  His favorite way to show us he loved us when we were younger was to body slam us in the mornings before we would get out of bed.  I was in my early thirties before I remember Dad saying those words to me.

I wondered if he would be more apt to say it since Mom passed away.  The day I was getting ready to drive back to Athens, Lauren, Ashton, and I were telling Dad goodbye.  I told him I loved him and he replied, “I love you.”  When I got in the car, I noticed I could not find my cell phone.  While I was on Dad’s screen porch, I hollered out to Dad, who was out in the garden, that I couldn’t find my cell phone.  I then noticed it was in my pocket.  I did not know if I had enough money to buy the kid’s lunch, so I said something to Dad about it.  He told me I could get some money off his dresser drawers.  I got some money then told Dad bye, and I loved him.  He said, “I love you.”  Two times in one day is amazing.

 U Are you taking for granted the words “I love you?”  U

** part II will be posted much later.

Mom’s clothes

Dad wanted us to go through Mom’s clothes and pick out what we wanted to keep.  He was going to give the rest of the clothes to the church for the Red Bird Mission Project.  The sale of the items would go to missionaries.  That night my sisters and I got out all of Mom’s clothes and shoes.  When we first started, we all were in Mom’s room with the clothes lying on Mom’s bed.  After a while, Dad came in and just plopped down on the bed as we were going through her clothes.

It was very sentimental remembering the items of clothes she used to wear.  It was hard deciding who would get which articles of clothing.  Jamie was very laid back and made the least fuss over Mom’s clothes.  I wanted the pajamas Mom was in when she died.  I guess it had a sentimental value, because I was there when she died.  We took the tee-shirts and sweatshirts our kids made for Mom when they were younger.  Joann’s stomach started bothering her, and we thought it was nerves, but then she threw up.  We bagged all the clothes and put them into a closet until Dad would send them to the Red Bird Mission Project.  He said Mom liked this mission project.

U  Have you asked family members if they would like certain clothing?  U

U Have you thought about donating your loved one’s clothes to their favorite charity/organization?  U

After my sisters left, Dad found Mom’s bedroom shoes.  He asked me if I wanted them.  I said yes but felt guilty for taking them because I did not know if my sisters wanted them too.

Her funeral (part III)

I drove Dad over to Jin Right’s for lunch.  All the family members were supposed to eat there.  Lurlyne and Alice, two of Mom’s good friends who have faithfully ministered to Mom, helped Dad pay for the meal.  We got all the cousins together and took pictures outside the restaurant.

Dad said, “Where is my ride?”  I then took him to the gravesite.  Dad really started opening up and talking on the ride there.  We parked very close to where Pops was buried.  Pops was Nana’s second husband.  Mom’s dad died when she was a teen. 

I set up the video camera at the gravesite as well.  The service was short, and I sat in the front row with Dad.  I don’t really remember what the preacher said during the service.  The pallbearers all came by and hugged us as they walked past.  We took a few pictures then walked away, so we would not get in their way of finishing up.  We went over to Pops’ grave and put an arrangement of flowers on his grave.  Ashton wanted to go back and see what they were doing at Mom’s gravesite.  He and Lauren went back and watched until they had to leave to get out of the way.  I sent them back again when they were finished with everything and found Ashton sitting in a chair just looking at everything going on.  I noticed there was some dirt in the corner markers of the gravesite, so I began to brush it out.  Ashton joined in helping.

They had put the flowers Nana sent and laid them over the gravesite.  Grandmother had sent flowers arranged like a pillow since Mom had given her pillows.  Mom always asked Grandmother to fix her pillows.

Aunt Janet pulled me to the side at the cemetery and talked to me.  I can’t really remember exactly what she said, but it was something to the extent that she thought I would have been the one there when Mom passed away.  It was a neat conversation.  Aunt Julie basically said the same thing to me over the phone when she found out Mom had passed away.

Dad told me on the way down to look at the other grave markers to see one we liked.  He did not want Mom’s to stand out.  We walked around for a little bit.  Right before we left, we took some more pictures.

Dad wanted to go by Dairy Queen to get some ice cream.  He treated us all.

When we got home, the funeral home had already brought all the flowers and plants to the house, and they were all lined up under the porch.  I wanted to make sure there weren’t any new ones, so we would not forget to write thank you notes.  As we got there, a van pulled up and delivered a flowered plant from Prince Avenue Christian School which is where I teach.  The Patton’s, our friends in our Sunday school class, had sent some flowers that were sent to the gravesite.

That night, we had all the cousins from Ohio, the Anderson’s (Joann’s mother and father-in-law), Grandmother, Uncle Johnny, Little Johnny and his family, and Evelyn come over for dinner.  The Meadow’s, from Mom and Dad’s church, had fried some chicken and we got out everything already in the refrigerator.  Dad stayed in his office most of the time because it was too loud, and there was too much commotion going on.

U Are you taking into consideration there may be over stimulation in the house?  U

I felt like I took over Mom’s job.  I was getting everyone’s name on their cup, filling the cups with ice, and asking everyone what they wanted to drink etc.  I was busting my butt because for the first time, the things Mom normally did were now left for someone else to do.  I thought a lot about how Mom was such a servant and never ate until everyone else was served.

U  How can you serve others in the role your loved one used to serve?  U

Later on that night, I thought about how selfish I was to actually feel sorry for myself because no one else was helping me serve everyone supper.  I have learned so much about myself in the last couple of weeks. 

Dad even called me Elaine the day she died.  He had said a cuss word, and I got onto him about it.  I guess Mom also corrected him.  After I corrected him he said, “Elaine.”

Her funeral (part II)

The service was special.  Jim, Andy and Robert Brearley (her boss and preacher from the Presbyterian Church) talked about her life, and we reminisced and laughed about memories of Mom.  Jim stood behind the pulpit and said, “We were here to pay our respects, celebrate the life of Elaine Royal, and give glory to God, who was such a part of Elaine’s life.”  Jim shared personal thoughts and observations of Mom.  He spoke of her as being loved and admired, an avid shopper at Winn Dixie and the dollar store, and a Youth director.  He also spoke of her having a continual smile regardless of being in the hospital, how she was always thinking of others, and how she helped Joann serve at a soup kitchen when she could only use one arm.  He then asked, “What message went out by those served by Elaine, when it would have been easier, understandably, had she been somewhere else instead of there?”  He also brought up the fact that we told him she did her devotions in the bathtub.  He said, “That gives new meaning to being immersed in the word of God.”  We all laughed.

Robert Brearley said, “We thank God for her witness, her cheerful smile, her love for children, and the candy drawer she kept.” (In which they all found.)  “She helped us celebrate people in the life of the Church of Jesus Christ.”  The most special part was them tying her life, the life that she led, to Jesus and her relationship to Him.

Those gathered there for her funeral were asked two questions, “How do I stand before God? Is He Lord and Savior?”  They were told they had a decision to make.  Both Jim and Andy offered the people gathered there, to seek the same relationship she had with her Lord.

  U How do you stand before God?  U

  U Is He your Lord and Savior?  U

U  U  If you don’t know where you will spend eternity, I invite you to pray and ask Jesus into your heart today.  Mom would have thought her death would have all been worthwhile if someone came to know Jesus because of her death.  U  U

The choir from Mom and Dad’s church sang a song Dad thought Mom would have liked.  The choir also sang a song Mom wanted sung, “What a Day That Will Be.”  They had the choir sing the first stanza by themselves, so everyone would hear the words.  Then everyone joined in and sang the first and second stanzas.  During this time, I was crouching down beside my video camera.  I just started balling because the words made me think of her being with Jesus. “What a day that will be when my Jesus I shall see, And I look upon His face- the One who saved me by His grace; When He takes me by the hand, and leads me through the Promised Land, What a day, glorious day, that will be.”  Near the beginning of the second stanza, it read, “No more sickness, no pain…..”  She is not in pain anymore; she is perfectly healed.

I prayed for the unsaved people in my family and for all those who were in attendance.  I prayed they would come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.  So many people heard the gospel presentation probably for the first time that day.  It was eloquently stated not pushy.

After the service, we were ushered outside where they had put the casket in the hearse. We stood to the side and many people came up to us and talked after the service. Little Johnny, my cousin, came up to me, and we talked about Mom. He said something very sweet about her, but I can’t recall what he said.