Muffin (part V)

On the way to Dad’s house, I called our vet to let them know we had put her to sleep.  As soon as I walked into the house, Ashton already had the shovel and was ready to bury her.  Lauren did not want to watch her being buried, but just like when Mom was being buried Ashton wanted to be a part of it.  I told them to pick out where they wanted Muffin to be buried near the back fence.  They picked the exact spot I had thought of in my mind, right where the sun set at the fence. 

Lauren went inside as we were digging the grave but wanted to kiss Muffin goodbye before we buried her.  I told her I would come get her.  Claudia said Ashton could pick out a rock they got from the mountains for her grave marker. 

We got Lauren, and she kissed Muffin bye.  I carried her to the grave on the blanket.  We kissed her goodbye, placed her in the box, and Ashton and I buried her.  I wanted to bury her in a box because I did not want to throw dirt on her.  Ashton picked some flowers and put them on the grave.  I did not know if I should pray, so I did not say anything.  Ashton brought a Sharpie and wrote, “Little Mess Muffin” then “3-10-08” on the rock. 

I told the kids communication was very important, and if they wanted to be by themselves they needed to say so.  If they wanted to talk about it, then talk about it.  If someone was talking about it, and they did not want to hear something, they needed to say so. 

Claudia had picked up all of the pee-pee pads we had on the floor.  It was nice not having to see all of that.  I thanked her.  She said she tried to clean everything all up.  Ashton asked me what we were going to do with all of Muffin’s things.  I told him we would put her things in a special place and keep them.

U What can you do after a death to make the transition easier for someone else? U

Lauren, Ashton, and I just lay around for a while in the back bedroom.  I gave them some candy I had bought for them just in case she passed away.  I remember Mom doing that for me after our dog passed away when I was young. 

I told them to do whatever they wanted to do.  A little while later Ashton got up, and I heard the back door open.  He had walked out to the gravesite.  As I was walking up, he walked towards me.  He said he was just talking to her.  I told him it was okay because I did that at Mom’s grave. 

 

 U Are you communicating with the kids concerning their needs and letting them voice their opinions/needs? U

“Jesus In The Clouds” – the painting (part II)

 

When I got home, I showed Paul and my sisters.  She did a great job, and it was a million times better than mine.  I was very thankful for what Dorothy did for me.   

Before Lauren and Ashton went to bed, I asked them what they thought about the day.  Lauren said, “Busy…..tired.”  Ashton said, “Fun….romantic.”  We started talking about what they were going to call Claudia because she was their grandmother now.  They called her Miss Claudia before.  Ashton said, “Let’s ring her up and see what she wants to be called.”

On the way back home to Athens, we stopped at Mom’s gravesite.  Paul helped me place the shepherd’s staff in the ground because the ground was very hard.  He had to find a large cement block to hit the staff into the ground. 

I put the chimes on the staff and thought about the sounds the chimes would make as the breeze would blow after I was gone.  I said happy birthday to her.  Before I left, I heard the chimes twice and enjoyed hearing the sounds they made.

I talked to Aunt Julie on the phone a little over a week after the wedding.  She was telling me how much fun she had, and we talked for a while.  As I was talking to her, everything seemed so surreal.  It is hard to believe they are actually married now and living in the same house.  I guess it just finally hit me. 

I called Nana on the phone because she had been sick lately.  I had not spoken to her since the wedding.  We talked about the wedding, Dad, and Claudia.  She told me she did not want me mad at her because she did not go to the wedding.  I told her I wasn’t.  She then said, “I would have broken down.”  I told her it was just going to take time.

Paul told me Dad emailed me some pictures.  I asked him if he would print them out for me.  The pictures were from their honeymoon.  There were a few pictures of them on the cruise, and a few when they were in Mexico.  He also sent me a picture of him carrying Claudia over the threshold at their house.  I scanned my eyes over to a picture I have in my den.  It is a picture of Dad carrying Mom over the threshold of their house after they got married.  It was one of the many pictures Mom gave me when she divided up the pictures.  Tears again started to fill my eyes.  It was another one of those hard moments…there will be many more.

A rainbow in the sky (part II)

 

Sunday, we took up almost a whole row in church.  Claudia, Dad, Lauren, Ashton, Jennifer, James, Juliette, Jamie, Chris, Kaitlin, and I were there.  It was the Sunday before the fourth of July.  The choir was singing patriotic music.  I noticed Claudia was crying, and I assumed it was because of the words to the music.  Ashton was sitting between Claudia and me, so I put my arm around Ashton and patted her on the back.  Later, I asked Dad why she was crying.  He said it was probably the words to the song at the beginning of church because they are going to have that song sung in their wedding.  He told me she was a very emotional person. 

We went over to Claudia’s pool at her condo.  Before we went back to Dad’s house, we were standing in the parking lot, and she brought up the conversation about why she was crying in church.  She mentioned about the song being sung in their wedding.  She then said she looked down the row in church at all of us and thought, “I don’t deserve to be so blessed.”  I hugged her and told her we were blessed and everything will be all right.  Before I left to go back home, I hugged Dad and Claudia goodbye.  As I hugged Claudia, she said, “I love you.”  I replied, “I love you.” 

I talked with her today to make sure it was okay that I write about these things.  I told her it would just put an exclamation point on the book.  She told me I could write whatever I wanted to.  She said she did love all the girls and our kids.  She talked about Mom and how Mom and Dad raised us, and she said, “How it was a tribute to your mother.”  Everything to her was just a confirmation.  I guess everything is right, and it is God’s will.  But we are the ones who are blessed.  Dad could not have done any better!!

Dad approached me and told me he wanted to get a set of chimes to put at Mom’s gravesite.  I had been sporadically looking, and the other night I found just the right set.  On the chimes I bought, there was a beautiful angel playing the trumpet.  It was perfect!  I wanted to see if my sisters wanted to help pay for the chimes and suggested to them the chimes could be a “birthday present” for Mom, since her birthday was August 28^th.  I told them I could take the chimes to the gravesite when Dad got married.  I have a shepherd’s staff I will put the chimes on.   Everyone is going to chip in and pay for the chimes.  Ashton wanted to spend four dollars of his money to help pay for the chimes.

**The photos of the rainbows were taken when I was on a cruise not the night I wrote this posts.  It blessed me to see it.  The photo from today shows you how big it was.  It was the biggest rainbow I have ever seen!

“I knew it would be hard” (part II)

I drove to Mom’s gravesite and parked the car.  I knew Lauren would not want to come with me, so I told Lauren and Ashton I would keep the car running, so they could watch a movie.  Once Ashton saw where we were, he said he wanted to get out.  I knew he would probably want to go with me, but I did not want him to feel like he had to.  I kind of wanted to go by myself because I knew I would cry.

Dad called before I started to walk towards the gravesite.  He wanted to know what time we would get to his house, so he would be there.  By the time I got off the phone, Ashton had started to walk toward the gravesite, and Paul was right behind him.  I knew I had to be strong for him.

When I got there, Ashton had already been scurrying about.  He was inquisitive, asking a million questions and making a million statements.  He was trying to figure out how old Mom was when she died.  I saw his little mind working.  I said, “Sixty-one.”  He thought she was sixty-two.  I told him if she would have made it to her birthday, she would have been sixty-two.  He wanted to know about the other corner markers for the plot next to Moms.  He wanted to know why Dad had his slab already there.  I told him so it would match Mom’s slab.  As we were standing there he said, “This brings back a lot of memories.”

I had wanted another affirmation from the Lord because my dream about Mom had put me in a tailspin.  I wanted to hear everything would be all right.  I asked Him for one knowing I should not.  Ashton and I stood at the gravesite for a while.  Out of the blue he said, “I think your book will do well.”  That is the only thing he said, and we had not even been talking about my book.  My confirmation was received.

I told him I thought Pops died March 11^th.  I asked him if he was ready to go, and he said he wanted to see Pops’ grave.  Ashton made it a lot easier for me.  Instead of me dwelling on why I wanted to come, I had to focus on him, and not cry in front of him.  I quietly said, “I love you Mom,” several times; then I walked with Ashton to Pops’ grave.  He died March 9^th, 2000. 

He was curious about Nana’s stillborn baby.  I showed him on the slab the baby was born August 28^th just like Granny.   We stayed for a few minutes then left.  Paul motioned to me Lauren had been crying.

On the way home, there was a beautiful sunset.  A little while later, Lauren said, “Mom….look at that….the moon is smiling at us.”  I answered her, “I know.”  Those were my exact thoughts I had just a little earlier.  It was as though God had the moon look at us and smile just for us.

When I pulled up to Dad’s house, I went through a flood of emotions.  I went outside to let my dog out and heard the wind chimes.  Mom loved wind chimes and had them hanging outside on her back porch.  As they blew in the wind, they reminded me of her.  It was as though I heard her voice in the chimes say, “I’m here.”  I got big tears in my eyes and said out loud, “Lord help me.”  I turned around and hoped no one heard me.  Luckily, I was alone.  I knew it would be hard.

U  Are you crying out to the Lord during your difficult times?  U

Mom’s gravesite

Ashton wanted to visit Mom’s grave.  I did not ask any questions, but thought he may need to figure out things in his mind.  Or maybe he needed to go to the gravesite to help in the healing process.  Nevertheless, I thought it was necessary to grant his request.  I knew Lauren would not want to go.   On the way home, I told her Ashton wanted to go to Mom’s gravesite; she said she did not want to go.  I told her she could wait in the car.  Dad wanted me to look around at headstones I may like to get ideas for Mom’s grave.

I knew the visit would be hard, so I started praying the Lord would prepare me.  I cried a lot on the trip there thinking about her frequently.  When we arrived, I told Lauren she could stay in the car.  On the walk over to Mom’s grave, I asked Ashton why he wanted to come, and he answered, “Because she was your mom.”

U  Are you praying for the Lord to prepare you for the tough times ahead of you?  U

We had taken a single lily flower to put on her grave because I told Ashton to pick one out at church, and he broke one off.  I found a rock to keep it from blowing away.  I stood behind him because I did not want him to see me cry.  He was doing great the whole time and did not cry.  He said, “I’ll promise to come visit her grave when I can…when I’m older.”

 

Two things really bothered me while I was there.  One thing I cried about was Mom can’t pray for me anymore.  I thought of the song that talks about the difference a Mom’s prayers had made in someone’s life.

As I was writing the thank you notes to the people that gave to the youth group, I came across Aunt Julie’s name.  I thought I would ask her if she would pray for me and my family.  I knew she would, but I thought I would ask.  Tears fell like crazy as I wrote the note to her.

The other thing that really bothered me was I just wanted to touch her.  As I was standing at her grave, I realized I could not touch her, and it really hurt.  The closest thing I could do was touch the earth over her grave.  So I did.

 

I also thought about what Mom would have said to me or told me if I had not left to go to the store a few hours before she died.  One of my sisters reminded me she could not really talk anyway. 

 

One of the things I wanted to do was get the card Nana signed from Mom’s flowers.  I found the flowers on the edge of the woods where they were discarded.  I dug through them and found the card from Nana and the card from the flowers my sisters and I sent.

 

Ashton wanted to walk around, so I had a little quiet time to myself.  I walked around and looked at the tombstones.  I really liked the tombstone Nana’s first husband and Pops have.  It was simple but elegant.  Several of the newer tombstones had the children’s names on the back.  Lauren asked, “How was the visit?”  I told her it was hard.  I told her someday she would go and visit.  She did not understand why.

   

U  Are you being sensitive and honoring the requests of the children/grandchildren by not making them walk to the gravesite?  U

Her funeral (part III)

I drove Dad over to Jin Right’s for lunch.  All the family members were supposed to eat there.  Lurlyne and Alice, two of Mom’s good friends who have faithfully ministered to Mom, helped Dad pay for the meal.  We got all the cousins together and took pictures outside the restaurant.

Dad said, “Where is my ride?”  I then took him to the gravesite.  Dad really started opening up and talking on the ride there.  We parked very close to where Pops was buried.  Pops was Nana’s second husband.  Mom’s dad died when she was a teen. 

I set up the video camera at the gravesite as well.  The service was short, and I sat in the front row with Dad.  I don’t really remember what the preacher said during the service.  The pallbearers all came by and hugged us as they walked past.  We took a few pictures then walked away, so we would not get in their way of finishing up.  We went over to Pops’ grave and put an arrangement of flowers on his grave.  Ashton wanted to go back and see what they were doing at Mom’s gravesite.  He and Lauren went back and watched until they had to leave to get out of the way.  I sent them back again when they were finished with everything and found Ashton sitting in a chair just looking at everything going on.  I noticed there was some dirt in the corner markers of the gravesite, so I began to brush it out.  Ashton joined in helping.

They had put the flowers Nana sent and laid them over the gravesite.  Grandmother had sent flowers arranged like a pillow since Mom had given her pillows.  Mom always asked Grandmother to fix her pillows.

Aunt Janet pulled me to the side at the cemetery and talked to me.  I can’t really remember exactly what she said, but it was something to the extent that she thought I would have been the one there when Mom passed away.  It was a neat conversation.  Aunt Julie basically said the same thing to me over the phone when she found out Mom had passed away.

Dad told me on the way down to look at the other grave markers to see one we liked.  He did not want Mom’s to stand out.  We walked around for a little bit.  Right before we left, we took some more pictures.

Dad wanted to go by Dairy Queen to get some ice cream.  He treated us all.

When we got home, the funeral home had already brought all the flowers and plants to the house, and they were all lined up under the porch.  I wanted to make sure there weren’t any new ones, so we would not forget to write thank you notes.  As we got there, a van pulled up and delivered a flowered plant from Prince Avenue Christian School which is where I teach.  The Patton’s, our friends in our Sunday school class, had sent some flowers that were sent to the gravesite.

That night, we had all the cousins from Ohio, the Anderson’s (Joann’s mother and father-in-law), Grandmother, Uncle Johnny, Little Johnny and his family, and Evelyn come over for dinner.  The Meadow’s, from Mom and Dad’s church, had fried some chicken and we got out everything already in the refrigerator.  Dad stayed in his office most of the time because it was too loud, and there was too much commotion going on.

U Are you taking into consideration there may be over stimulation in the house?  U

I felt like I took over Mom’s job.  I was getting everyone’s name on their cup, filling the cups with ice, and asking everyone what they wanted to drink etc.  I was busting my butt because for the first time, the things Mom normally did were now left for someone else to do.  I thought a lot about how Mom was such a servant and never ate until everyone else was served.

U  How can you serve others in the role your loved one used to serve?  U

Later on that night, I thought about how selfish I was to actually feel sorry for myself because no one else was helping me serve everyone supper.  I have learned so much about myself in the last couple of weeks. 

Dad even called me Elaine the day she died.  He had said a cuss word, and I got onto him about it.  I guess Mom also corrected him.  After I corrected him he said, “Elaine.”