“I knew it would be hard” (part II)

I drove to Mom’s gravesite and parked the car.  I knew Lauren would not want to come with me, so I told Lauren and Ashton I would keep the car running, so they could watch a movie.  Once Ashton saw where we were, he said he wanted to get out.  I knew he would probably want to go with me, but I did not want him to feel like he had to.  I kind of wanted to go by myself because I knew I would cry.

Dad called before I started to walk towards the gravesite.  He wanted to know what time we would get to his house, so he would be there.  By the time I got off the phone, Ashton had started to walk toward the gravesite, and Paul was right behind him.  I knew I had to be strong for him.

When I got there, Ashton had already been scurrying about.  He was inquisitive, asking a million questions and making a million statements.  He was trying to figure out how old Mom was when she died.  I saw his little mind working.  I said, “Sixty-one.”  He thought she was sixty-two.  I told him if she would have made it to her birthday, she would have been sixty-two.  He wanted to know about the other corner markers for the plot next to Moms.  He wanted to know why Dad had his slab already there.  I told him so it would match Mom’s slab.  As we were standing there he said, “This brings back a lot of memories.”

I had wanted another affirmation from the Lord because my dream about Mom had put me in a tailspin.  I wanted to hear everything would be all right.  I asked Him for one knowing I should not.  Ashton and I stood at the gravesite for a while.  Out of the blue he said, “I think your book will do well.”  That is the only thing he said, and we had not even been talking about my book.  My confirmation was received.

I told him I thought Pops died March 11^th.  I asked him if he was ready to go, and he said he wanted to see Pops’ grave.  Ashton made it a lot easier for me.  Instead of me dwelling on why I wanted to come, I had to focus on him, and not cry in front of him.  I quietly said, “I love you Mom,” several times; then I walked with Ashton to Pops’ grave.  He died March 9^th, 2000. 

He was curious about Nana’s stillborn baby.  I showed him on the slab the baby was born August 28^th just like Granny.   We stayed for a few minutes then left.  Paul motioned to me Lauren had been crying.

On the way home, there was a beautiful sunset.  A little while later, Lauren said, “Mom….look at that….the moon is smiling at us.”  I answered her, “I know.”  Those were my exact thoughts I had just a little earlier.  It was as though God had the moon look at us and smile just for us.

When I pulled up to Dad’s house, I went through a flood of emotions.  I went outside to let my dog out and heard the wind chimes.  Mom loved wind chimes and had them hanging outside on her back porch.  As they blew in the wind, they reminded me of her.  It was as though I heard her voice in the chimes say, “I’m here.”  I got big tears in my eyes and said out loud, “Lord help me.”  I turned around and hoped no one heard me.  Luckily, I was alone.  I knew it would be hard.

U  Are you crying out to the Lord during your difficult times?  U