“I knew it would be hard” (part I)

The day started out very difficult.  I had a dream about Mom again, and it was right before I woke up.  The dream was so real it was as though it just happened.  I cried thinking about it.  In my dream, I went into a public restroom and first noticed a man from our church’s choir standing inside the ladies restroom.  I was surprised to see him there.  I spoke to him; he said he was waiting on his wife.  I put down my belongings on a shelf and proceeded in. 

As I was walking towards the restroom, I passed Mom.  Mom had her hair longer, like the way she wore it before she was sick.  She walked past me, and when she was about to leave the restroom, she suddenly stopped and turned around.  Mom held up some Neosporin and said, “Do you need any of this?”  I just stared at her.  I could not believe I was seeing her.  She walked toward me.  I looked to her left, and she was standing there as well.  Mom on the left was the “old Mom.”  The last Mom I had; the one who had short hair like when she was sick.  I was dumbfounded.  I did not know what to think.  There before me stood Mom before she was sick, and Mom when she was sick.  Mom turned toward herself and adjusted some sort of mouth appliance, when she did this, it caused pain to Mom.  Seeing that Mom was in pain, I said to Mom that she was hurting her. 

Then I awoke.  I was fully awake now.  I laid there pondering the dream and cried.  It was almost time to get out of the bed, and I snuggled with Paul for a while.

“I knew it would be hard,” were words I heard Mom say while she was sleeping a few days before she passed away.  I knew this week was going to be hard for me.  I have been praying for this week for a while.  I have asked the teachers at school to pray as well as my classes with older students.  I was actually feeling strong about facing the week and all it entailed.  I was ready.  I would go to Mom’s gravesite this week, meet Claudia, sleep in the same room where Mom died, and be at Dad’s house on the anniversary of her death.  Then I had the dream, and it kind of threw me off balance.  I told Nancy about my dream and started to cry, so I made her cry.  She told me maybe it was the Lord telling me everything is all right, and to show me Mom is still with me in spirit.