February 28th (my birthday)

I read last night’s devotion the day before my birthday.  It was just what I needed to hear.  It spoke of the Lord showing me sympathy, acknowledging my hurts, and weeping with me.

In a way, I was not looking forward to my birthday.  There would be another one of those firsts for me to go through…..my first birthday without Mom here to tell me happy birthday.  I tried to be tough and protect myself and wondered if I would make it through without breaking down.

The day started out great.  My seventh grade class wanted to have a party for me and brought food to p.e. class.  I was greeted by several enthusiastic students that were very excited it was my birthday.  One student brought a cookie cake with thirty-nine candles on it plus one candle to grow on.  We lit the candles, and they sang happy birthday.  I had not had a cake with corresponding candles on it since Mom probably got me one.  They helped the day get off to a good start.

I came home and as I was looking for something, I ran across Mom’s letters she wrote me while I was in college.  I read through each one.  Since I am not going to get a birthday card from her, it was nice to reflect back on words she once wrote.

I got a sweet birthday card from Jennifer which made me cry.  The one thing she added in the card that really got to me was, “Wish I could give you a HUGE hug.”  All my sisters have already had their birthdays without Mom, and she knew just what to say to help me get through mine. 

Besides my usual birthday card, Paul gave me another card.  We were getting ready go out to dinner, so I had to keep myself from crying.  The card had a cute little bear on the front holding a puzzle piece.  On the front it stated, “Believe in yourself…..”  The next part had the bear sitting on the floor putting a puzzle together.  It then said, “…and everything else…”  The inside of the card stated, “…will fall into place.”  Paul added, “Most of all sweets, I wanted you to know how proud and impressed by your dedication and trust in the Lord during this spiritual journey you are on.  I have really gained an enormous appreciation for you during this time of healing and recovery.  I have never really thought about how often you have to re-live your Mom’s life and death.  When I did, I gained a new appreciation for you as a person, daughter, Mom, and wife.  I love you, Paul.” 

I went with my family out to dinner and got to pick my favorite restaurant.  The decision was a no brainer.  My whole family knows my favorite restaurant.  After dinner we did a few errands, then came home and watched TV.  Joann, Mike, Megan, Madison, and even their dog sang “Happy Birthday” on the phone.  She said, “It’s not the same as it used to be.”  I agreed and knew what she meant without her having to elaborate.  When I checked my phone messages, Jamie and Kaitlin had called.  They sang me “Happy Birthday” as well.  I stayed up late adding this chapter to my book.  I never got to talk to Dad.  He may have called while we were out, but he did not leave a message.

Mom would have left a message, but I did not have higher expectations on Dad.  Mom was a crazy fanatic, and she would make Dad get on the phone with her and say happy birthday.  Sometimes she would call real early, so she would not miss me.  One time I remember I was still in bed.

I prayed Jesus would touch Mom’s face, look her in the eyes, and tell her I love her and miss her.  In that prayer, I mentioned I knew she would tell me happy birthday if she were here.  I also prayed He would tell her about my book.

The song that rings out lately and especially today is, “Take You Back,” by Jeremy Camp.   The video doesn't quite depict the message as it has meaning to me.  Listen to the words and let them minister to you:) 

Yesterday, I prayed for the Lord to show me some light.  When I walked outside, there were snow flurries in the air, and the sun was shining in the distance. 

American Greetings, Boomerang Bear, Cleveland.

Camp, Jeremy. “Take You Back.” Restored. BEC Recordings, Seattle. 2004.