A sense of hopelessness

For the last few days, I have had a sense of hopelessness.  To pep me up a little, I played back the videotapes of when I was on TV because the ornament I made got to President Bush.  I remember back to how God used me during that period of time, and how He got the ornament there despite my human efforts.  This was such a special time in my life.  But lately, well, things have just been hard.  I have for a while now just been tired of this rat race and just want to be with the Lord in Heaven.  I have been so ready for Him to return and take me home.  In a lot of ways, I am jealous of Mom being able to be in Heaven with Jesus, and I have to be here on earth.  Life is just full of tears and pain, and in Heaven I won’t have to deal with that anymore.

U  Are you living one day at a time or even a half day at the time?  U

Yesterday was Mother’s Day.  It was my first Mother’s Day without Mom.  It was hard.  I was grumpy towards my kids.  I wanted a quiet day and took a nap after church.  We took Evelyn and my father-in-law, Tom, out to dinner.  The kids were wired, and I just wanted a quiet evening.

 

U  Are you stating what you would like to do when the firsts occur?  Or can you ask your family member what they would like to do?  U

The devotion I read a few days ago just whopped me beside the head.  The prayer at the end stated, “Father, I thank you for the assurance that your plans never fail.  When everything around me seems hopeless, remind me of your plan for the Israelites in captivity in Egypt.  Help me to see things from your eternal perspective and to hold on to the reality that in spite of the way things look, you are in control.  Indeed, you are still on the throne!”

 

U  Are you willing to trust a God you have never seen?  U

Fuller, Cheri. The One Year Book of Praying through the Bible. Wheaton:  Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2003. May 6.

Dad’s birthday

Today was real hard because it was Dad’s birthday.  I cried a few times.  I called him and sang “Happy Birthday.”  He seemed real quiet.  Jamie and Jennifer were going to take him out for supper.  If it was that hard for me, I knew it must be extra hard for him.  This was his first birthday without Mom since he was young.  There will be many more firsts that will be hard.

 

U  Can you invite them out to dinner on occasions when their firsts occur?  U

 

The thing I thought a lot about tonight was I know she is out there somewhere in Heaven, and I can’t talk to her, touch her, or be with her.  It is almost as if she has been kidnapped.   

 

U  Are you leaning on God to help you through the “firsts?”  U

A walk to Emmaus

The ride back home from the cemetery was truly inspirational.  It reminded me of Saul on his walk to Emmaus, and how he was conformed.  As I was looking out the window, I felt closer to God through His nature than I ever had before.  As I drove, I told the Lord, “Teach me, I’m finally ready.”  I thought about Mom’s life and how she had finished what the Lord had put her on the earth to accomplish.  I thought about why God still wanted me here and trying to fulfill that mission.

Mom’s gravesite

Ashton wanted to visit Mom’s grave.  I did not ask any questions, but thought he may need to figure out things in his mind.  Or maybe he needed to go to the gravesite to help in the healing process.  Nevertheless, I thought it was necessary to grant his request.  I knew Lauren would not want to go.   On the way home, I told her Ashton wanted to go to Mom’s gravesite; she said she did not want to go.  I told her she could wait in the car.  Dad wanted me to look around at headstones I may like to get ideas for Mom’s grave.

I knew the visit would be hard, so I started praying the Lord would prepare me.  I cried a lot on the trip there thinking about her frequently.  When we arrived, I told Lauren she could stay in the car.  On the walk over to Mom’s grave, I asked Ashton why he wanted to come, and he answered, “Because she was your mom.”

U  Are you praying for the Lord to prepare you for the tough times ahead of you?  U

We had taken a single lily flower to put on her grave because I told Ashton to pick one out at church, and he broke one off.  I found a rock to keep it from blowing away.  I stood behind him because I did not want him to see me cry.  He was doing great the whole time and did not cry.  He said, “I’ll promise to come visit her grave when I can…when I’m older.”

 

Two things really bothered me while I was there.  One thing I cried about was Mom can’t pray for me anymore.  I thought of the song that talks about the difference a Mom’s prayers had made in someone’s life.

As I was writing the thank you notes to the people that gave to the youth group, I came across Aunt Julie’s name.  I thought I would ask her if she would pray for me and my family.  I knew she would, but I thought I would ask.  Tears fell like crazy as I wrote the note to her.

The other thing that really bothered me was I just wanted to touch her.  As I was standing at her grave, I realized I could not touch her, and it really hurt.  The closest thing I could do was touch the earth over her grave.  So I did.

 

I also thought about what Mom would have said to me or told me if I had not left to go to the store a few hours before she died.  One of my sisters reminded me she could not really talk anyway. 

 

One of the things I wanted to do was get the card Nana signed from Mom’s flowers.  I found the flowers on the edge of the woods where they were discarded.  I dug through them and found the card from Nana and the card from the flowers my sisters and I sent.

 

Ashton wanted to walk around, so I had a little quiet time to myself.  I walked around and looked at the tombstones.  I really liked the tombstone Nana’s first husband and Pops have.  It was simple but elegant.  Several of the newer tombstones had the children’s names on the back.  Lauren asked, “How was the visit?”  I told her it was hard.  I told her someday she would go and visit.  She did not understand why.

   

U  Are you being sensitive and honoring the requests of the children/grandchildren by not making them walk to the gravesite?  U

Easter weekend (part II)

One of the things I wanted to do was go to the sunrise service at the pier.  I did not care if I had to go by myself.  I mentioned it before I went to Dads, and it seemed no one wanted to go.  The night before, Dad had just got in bed, and I asked him if he was going to go, and he said yes.  The service started at 6:30 a.m.  I asked Ashton and Lauren if they wanted to go, and they both said yes.

The service was hard to go through.  It was the first Easter without Mom.  I knew she was with Jesus in Heaven, but it was still hard.  I took a lot of pictures of the sun rising.  I looked at Dad, and a few times his eyes were red and tears were in his eyes.

We all went to the late church service at Dad’s church.  I had to bite my tongue several times to keep myself from crying.  Dad had given a lily in memory of Mom.  In the bulletin, where it said, “Given by” it said, “My sweetie.”  Dad said that is what he called her.  Joann read that and had to excuse herself to the bathroom because it upset her.  One time, I looked down and saw Jamie crying, and I started crying too.  Soon most of us were crying.  I asked Jamie why she started crying, and she said it was because Dad started crying. 

After the service, we always get family pictures in front of the cross.  The cross was made up of fresh cut flowers, and lilies were also at the front of the church.  When the daughters gathered around Dad for a picture, tears came to Dad’s eyes.

Joann left Sunday, and I was the only one left at home with Dad.  I asked him if he wanted to go to the beach.  We went only for a little while because it was cold.

I had wanted to clean out the laundry room for several weeks and did so once everyone left.  It was just one of those projects I wanted to do. 

U  Have you thought about when they lose their loved one, they have to do all the tasks their late spouse had done? (For a man that probably means they will have to wash their clothes, cook, do dishes, and household chores for the
"first" time…..wow!)  U   

It took forever to pack and get ready to leave.  I told Dad we would just get a bite to eat at Del Taco and leave.  He said he did not want to eat by himself, so he asked if we could eat inside.  We sat down and had a nice chat during lunch.  He told me he was going to Panama on a mission trip to build something while he was there.  I would like to do something like that one day, maybe even with Dad.

 

U  Are you being sensitive to ask them to do things with you because the loved one they always spent time with is now gone?  U

Dad walked us out to our cars after we left the restaurant.  Lauren and Ashton were hugging him goodbye, and one of them said they loved him, and he replied back, “I love ya’ll too.”  That was the first time they had heard those words from their Granddad.  I told them not to forget it.

 

I called Nana and told her I would not be coming by to see her on the way home.  I told her Ashton wanted to go to the gravesite, and it would be out of the way to come by and see her.  She told me she was on medication because she was depressed.  She told me it was the worst it had ever been.  I asked her if it was worse now than when her husband died, and she said, “Yes.”  She said she always thought she would “go” before her children.  She has been through so much, and she is the last of eight brothers and sisters.  Her two husbands have passed away and now Mom.  We need her to take care of herself, so she won’t go on a downward spiral.

U  Are there loved ones you can visit to help ease their pain?  U

It has been hard changing from calling my parent’s house, “Granny and Granddaddy’s house” to, “Granddaddy’s house” or just saying, “St. Simons.”  Lauren and Ashton have already begun the transition.

**Photo was taken that first Easter morning after the sunrise service.                                

Easter weekend (part I)

Before Mom passed away, Joann and I had planned to visit Mom and Dad Easter weekend.  We thought it would be best if everyone still got together and visited Dad.  Dad asked me if we were going to keep the same schedule of visiting.  I told him I thought so. 

Joann had called me earlier in the week and told me coming home was harder than she thought.  She said she cried all day.  She had been at Dad’s house the whole week because it was her spring break.  I started praying to help prepare before I went home.

Aunt Julie called Wednesday night.  We had both prayed that day for the Lord to use us.  I wrote her a card earlier this week telling her I was sorry I had not ministered to her.  I used one of the cards I was going to send to Mom.  It was perfect, and I told her how I was feeling.

She was going through two things; Mom dying and putting Ralph (her husband) in the nursing home.  When she would tell me about Ralph, I wouldn’t say anything because I was absorbed in dealing with Mom passing away.

 

U  Is there someone else besides yourself that needs ministering to, but things in your world have been too hectic to notice?  U

When I got to Dad’s house, I really was not ready to just jump in and start doing projects.  I don’t know why, I guess I just needed some time.  There were a lot of thank you notes to write.  Jennifer was not going to be able to come because Juliette, her daughter, was sick with a fever.

U  Are there thank you notes you can help write?  U

U  Have you thought about sending your loved one’s caregiver a card/letter/gift thanking them for all they have done?  U 

Ministering to others

 

About three weeks after Mom went to be with the Lord one of Paul’s workers had a series of several strokes and was in the hospital.  I had not seen his wife in years but felt as though I needed to go to the hospital to see her.  Someone showed me who she was, and as I walked up to her, she hugged me.  As we were talking she said, “Didn’t your mom just pass away a few weeks ago?”  I nodded my head yes.  She said, “And you are up here with me?”

Her husband was on life support and was not expected to make it.  I wanted to see him.  When I went into his ICU room, I met his dad and a few of his relatives.  A nurse said we needed to leave the room.  I asked his dad if I could say a prayer for his son, and he said yes.  Everyone had left the room, and I knew this was probably the last time I would see him alive.  I put my hand on his arm and prayed.  I said something to the effect that he was going to Heaven and would see Mom.  I knew he was saved, but I did not know about his wife.  I went into the hall and asked her if I could pray with her, and we did.  I kept wondering about her salvation, so in her sympathy card I told her I hoped she had asked Jesus in her heart, so she can have the same peace her husband had. 

U  Are you willing to minister to others in their time of need?  U

Mom’s “quirks”

Mom had certain “quirks.”  She did not like the closet doors open because it would waste either the heat or air conditioning in the house.  She also did not like us putting our dirty clothes in the bathroom closet.  I guess because of the moisture.  She kept her couch covered with material she had sown on, maybe to keep it looking new.  After she passed away, these quirks came to my mind.  I would close the closet door because that’s what she always wanted me to do.  Other times, I would leave it open, but the thought of what she used to tell me would be in the back of my mind.  I do put my dirty clothes in the closet, and Dad said it would be okay to take the material off of the couch, so I did.  

I called Jennifer, and she reminded me of Mom’s “quirks” about the washer and dryer being left on.  One night, when I was a teenager, I went home early and smelled smoke near the carport.  I opened the laundry room door and noticed smoke coming from the dryer.  I opened the dryer door and noticed the clothes were beginning to catch on fire.  I ran through the house, woke Dad up, and told him the dryer was on fire.  We caught the fire in time.  Since then, Mom did not like the washer and dryer on while we were not home or once everyone was asleep.  When Jennifer was home, she made a comment to Dad about turning the washer or dryer off and Dad said, “That was one of your Mama’s things; I don’t worry about that.”

Mom also had an obsession to constantly remind my sisters and me to make sure the iron and curling iron were turned off as to not burn the house down.  Jennifer said Mom saying those things and instilling those thoughts remain in the back of her head.  She said just this week she went back into her house to check if the iron was off after she had already gotten in the car.  It was an obsessive compulsive behavior.  I added this chapter ten months after her death, and I laughed hysterically on the phone with Jennifer as we discussed Mom’s “quirks.”

She’s not here now, and I ponder these things.  You have to ponder and decide what to do with these “quirks” that have been instilled in you through your loved one.   Dad would sometimes tease me by saying, “I’m going to tell your mama!”  I think one time I responded, “She already knows.”  I wonder what she does and does not know while she is in Heaven.

U  What are you going to do with your loved one’s quirks?  U

Subtle hints I did not notice

Now, that I look back on everything, there are subtle hints I did not notice.  I guess it was because I was absorbed in all that was going on around me, and I was not trying to analyze everything.  After Mom’s surgery, she wanted to stay in her pajamas all day.  This should have sent up a red flag, but it did not.  Mom knew she was not going to get out of the house, but I did not see that.  The last night she was alive, she chose to get a catheter.  Another red flag should have gone up in my mind.  Was she planning on not getting out of bed?  I don’t know, maybe I would have done things differently had I figured that out at the time.

U  Are there subtle hints you are not noticing?  U