Uncle Jim’s funeral (part III)

Beth's husband came into town. He stood outside by the garage at the bottom of the steep hill. I wanted to tell him about the difficult times ahead and help him decide what to say to Beth. 

He lifted his hand to his mouth.

”You don't know … how much it meant to me that you were there for Beth while I was out of town.”

“It was a privilege to be there to minister to everyone.”

 

Uncle Jim chose cremation with no public viewing. A cousin of Paul’s wanted to see Uncle Jim privately at the funeral home to say her goodbyes.

Aunt June hesitated with the idea.

“Mom, it was important for people to be able to see him if they wanted to,” Beth said. 

“I don’t want to go,” Kimberly said.

A few family members gathered informally at the funeral home the following day. 

“We do not need a casket to view his body since he will be cremated,” Beth said. 

“I don’t want y’all to be surprised and wanted you to know Uncle Jim is lying on a table with a sheet to his chest,” a lady said.

She opened the door, and we stepped into the room. Immediately, saw him lying on a metal table in a small space with a few cabinets—this room was typically used to apply makeup to the deceased. The atmosphere felt sterile, but that did not stop us from sharing warm family memories as we gathered around him.

We said our goodbyes, and I kissed him on the forehead. I wanted to be the last to leave. 

As I closed the door, I glanced back and said, ”I’ll see you in Heaven.”

The smell of her Bible

This week I had to get my Bible rebound, so I have been reading Mom’s Bible.  I enjoy looking at all of her notes she has written in it and looking at all the verses she highlighted.  I have her Bible, but she is having a blast in Heaven serving Jesus!  The smell of Mom's scent on her Bible brings back memories of her.  I miss her!

A lesson for me to learn (part II)

This morning on the way to church, my cell phone rang.  It was Dad.  I knew right away it was not good news.  Dad called to tell me Granddad passed away this morning.  Dad stated that he was in Heaven and with Grandma Freddie.  I told him he couldn’t know that for sure.  As of the last time I talked to him he was going to Hell.  Not comforting words for a grieving person that just lost their loved one.  His salvation lately has encompassed me, and I blurted out the words without even thinking about Dad’s feelings.  Yes, it was what I was thinking, but not what needed to be said.  I don’t know even sitting here, what I should have said.  I guess, I can ask Brother Bill how he normally replies when the person’s salvation is unknown.

Yes Granddad could have within the last few weeks had a personal encounter with the Lord.  The Lord could have personally spoken to him or something that was said before could have finally sunk in.  God could have used my dream to speak to Granddad too.  Or when the Chaplin came by, he could have led him to the Lord.  I hope I can find that out, or the Lord will reveal it to me.

U  If the loved one’s salvation is unclear, are you being careful with your words making sure you are being considerate of the other person’s feelings?  (Everyone wants to think their loved one may be in Heaven even if they may not be.  This should press us even more to witness to our loved ones.)  U

I talked to one of the preachers at my church this past week.  He made the suggestion I could have said to Dad that I hoped Granddad made that decision.  He mentioned focusing on the living and the opened doors my granddad’s death had created such as conversations in leading others to Christ.

U  What open doors have been created for you to witness to a loved one?  U

Muffin (part VI)

I went through the same things after Muffin died that I went through when Mom died.  I heard Dad’s dog walking through the kitchen and thought it was Muffin and remembered she was dead.  When I saw her belongings, it reminded me she was not here.  I missed her and thought about the first night without her, the first rain without her here.  I knew it would be hard when we went back home because it would be quiet.  She was always at my feet.  She was “my dog.”

Again I have learned so much.  It is amazing how much you learn from death.  It always seems something major happens in my family on spring break.  Mom died 2004, on the anniversary of Mom’s death we find out Jackie had cancer, Jackie’s burial was in 2007, and Muffin died in 2008.  I have decided that my spring break is for me to learn possibly so that others can learn.  If I have to suffer and endure so others won’t have to, or if I can help others out, I will.

One issue I struggle with the most is whether or not Muffin is in Heaven.  I am reading a book written by Randy Alcorn called Heaven.  It is a great book which uses scripture to answer so many questions people have concerning Heaven.  He discusses issues concerning animals in Heaven as well, but the Bible does not specifically state that dogs will be in Heaven.  This makes me sad not knowing whether I will see her again.  With Mom, I have the assurance I will see her again because she and I are born again believers having asked Christ into our hearts.  Because I was so distraught about whether or not Muffin was in Heaven, it made me focus even more about wanting mankind in Heaven.

U  How much more important is mankind than animals to God?  U

As a family, we talked at lunch about a new puppy.  Lauren said she was ready, Ashton was not.  We are going to have to figure out what the right timing is for all of us.  I don’t know when that will be.  You have to do what you want to do. 

When giving advice to someone after a death, you have to be careful.  Most people don’t know what to say, but they are sorry.  But as far as the next step, it could be a little tricky.  If you mention you should do this…..and tell them what you think they should do, it might not be what they should do.  It might not be what is right for them.  Only they will know.  You could mention what you went through and how it helped you.  The wording is important in how the advice comes across.

U  Are you being careful how words are used when giving advice to someone after a death?  U

Muffin (part IV)

 

We met Dr. Arbo.  He took a blood sample and said it would be about 25-30 minutes to get the results.  We went to get gas and while we were out, I called Dr. Mosher’s office to ask how much Muffin weighed on Thursday.  She had lost eighteen ounces!  That is a lot of weight for a dog so small.  I knew it was not going to get any better.

We got the blood work back, and it was not good.  Dr. Arbo said her liver was failing and dragging her kidneys down.  The toxicity of the food was making her not want to eat and making her nauseous.  I knew what we needed to do and asked Paul what he thought.  He thought it was time as well.  I asked the vet about whether the kids should be in there when he was giving Muffin the shot.  He did not recommend it if they were under fifteen.  I asked him what to tell the kids about the shot in case they asked.  He said he did it in two phases.  One shot to make sure she would not feel any pain, and the second one would put her to sleep.  I did not know at first if I wanted to watch him give her the second shot.  I knew I would figure it out.

I got Paul to call Claudia and asked her to bring the kids to the vet so they could say goodbye to her.  Meanwhile, Paul called his mom and asked her to pray for the kids and me.  Claudia brought them to the vet, and they had already been crying.  I started tearing up a little as I saw Lauren crying.  I knew I needed to stay strong for them, so I stopped.  I remember how Jamie and I had to be strong for Dad as he was seeing Mom the first time after she had passed away.

I let each one of them hold Muffin and told them to tell her everything they wanted to because we were not in a hurry.  Lauren did the most talking and Ashton would agree to each statement she said.  I mentioned to them what Mom used to say about Muffin, “Rotten, rotten, rotten!”  It lightened the moment.  It was sweet to hear the things they were telling her.  I knew how much they would miss her.  Before Ashton left, he said he wanted to help dig the hole.

Claudia took them home, and Paul and I went back into the vet’s office.  I got the teddy bear blanket out of the car to carry Muffin home.  She loved to lie on the blanket at home.  Dr. Arbo had great bedside manners and apologized several times about having to put her to sleep.  He said some comment about her going to a better place.  He genuinely cared about her and was not matter of fact. 

I laid her on the blanket and told him we were ready.  He was very discreet and had the shot in his shirt pocket.  As he was giving her the first shot, I kissed her head.  He left so we could be alone with her.  I felt bad because I did not ask Paul if he said everything he wanted to say to her.  He replied, “I can’t.”  He said he already had said so but did not say it out loud.  He would not be able to verbalize it.  I told him that was why I was in the parking lot because I was telling her everything I wanted to tell her.

Dr. Arbo then came in and gave her the second shot that would put her to sleep.  I noticed she was not taking any more breaths and said so out loud.  He listened with a stethoscope to her heart and said she was gone.  I noticed her ear was yellow on the inside and had noticed her eye was a little yellow as well because she was jaundice.  That was my sign that I had made the right decision.  She would not be in pain or suffering any more.  I remember watching Mom take her final breaths and being there when she died.  I was glad Mom was in Heaven with Jesus and not suffering anymore.

Muffin (part III)

 

Monday morning I called Dr. Mosher because Muffin wasn’t taking treats, and she loved treats.  He told me everyone was worried about Muffin.  He told me to water down her canned food with hot water and feed her through a syringe.  She did not fight me when I tried at first but towards the end she did.  

Two weeks before Mom died, she had to be fed through a syringe into her feeding tube.  I did not think of this parallel until Jamie mentioned it.  Mom and Muffin had to depend on someone else to care for them and make decisions for them.

I took Muffin outside again to walk around.  I showed her the cute little purple flowers in Dad’s backyard and took a few pictures of her with my cell phone (wish I still had that photo).  Dad came out with his camera and took some pictures for me as well.  He mentioned I should bury her at his house instead of my house because we were getting ready to move, and that he would take her to put her asleep.  I did not want to hear what he was saying, so I stuck my arm out and waved it at him so he would stop.  He said he was there for me and would help out in anyway.  I did not want anyone to tell me what they thought I should do.  I did not want Paul to even say it was time to put her to sleep. 

We called a vet on St. Simons, and they said they could do blood work and find out the results in about fifteen minutes.  I told the kids I was taking her to the vet to check her liver and see how she was doing.  I asked them if they wanted to come tell her goodbye at the vet if we needed to put her to sleep.  They both wanted to come.  Ashton said he wanted her to be buried in Athens.  We had to do what was best for Muffin.

While we waited at the vet, I took her outside to walk around; I was preparing myself.  I told her all the things I wanted to tell her, something I didn’t get to do with Mom.  I told her how she had been a great dog, and a long list of other things.  I told her I was sorry for spanking her when she peed in the house.  I was holding her as I was telling her all these things.  Usually she was looking off in the distance.  Every once in a while she would look at me.  I told her, “I hope I see you in Heaven.”  When I said, “Heaven,” she looked at me and locked her eyes with mine.  I hate how man’s sin is the reason Muffin has to die.  It is not fair.  It makes me not like sin all the more.  Mom’s card she left for us was titled “SEE YOU IN HEAVEN.”

A second mourning? (part III)

He also spoke of the deepest joy he felt, and he did not have any worries, anxieties, or concerns.  The two statements he made that stood out in my mind were, “I wasn’t conscious of anything I’d left behind and felt no regrets about leaving family or possessions.  It was as if God had removed anything negative or worrisome from my consciousness, and I could only rejoice at being together with these wonderful people.”

I always wondered if people in Heaven could see what we were doing.  But it seems to me, they are focused on God and praising him.  There will be no sorrow in Heaven, so they probably cannot see us.  I still tell God to tell Mom I love her.  It is up to Him whether or not that should be done.  But I trust Him and know He makes the best decisions for me.

Through reading the book, and even today as I sat in church, the one thing I received was “rejoice!”  The song that spurred on this thought was O’ Come, O’ Come Emmanuel (anonymous, n.d.).  I was thinking of Mom for some reason as I was singing the song, and the words rang out “Rejoice! Rejoice!”  Let go!  Quit being selfish and wanting her here, and rejoice because she is eternally with Jesus in Heaven.

U Can you rejoice because your loved one is with Jesus in Heaven?  U

On the way back home, we took back roads, so we would miss the holiday traffic and possible wrecks.  We were a few miles from Mom’s gravesite, and I asked Ashton if he wanted to go to Granny’s gravesite and he said, “Yes.”

We stopped at the gravesite for a few minutes.  I turned around because I heard the chimes ringing.  I asked Ashton if he rang the chimes, and he said he did.  Before I left, I said out loud to Jesus, “I am going to rejoice because she is with you in Heaven.”

I yearn to be with her, and I have to be patient until I see her beautiful face again.  She is no longer in pain and suffering.  Until then, I have to learn to rejoice and remember Jesus has me here for a reason.  I need to strive to fulfill my mission here on earth.

     Piper, Don. 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN. Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2004. 26, 31.  

A second mourning? (part II)

For about two days, while I was at Dad’s house, I was absorbed in reading the book.  The day before Thanksgiving, I went out on Dad’s back patio, laid on the patio couch, read the book, and listen to the chimes as the wind blew.  Several times I fell asleep and was content with resting instead of reading.  The sun began to set and for the first time, in a very long time, I felt peace.

The book is called, 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN.  It is a true story about a preacher (Don) that was killed in a tragic car wreck.  Don had been dead for ninety minutes and was still trapped in his wrecked car.

A Baptist preacher traveling by was stopped in the traffic caused by the wreck, and he walked up to the crash site.  He told the emergency workers he was a Baptist preacher and asked if he could pray for anyone.  He was told the man in the red car was deceased, but he was compelled to pray for the man anyway.  He said, “God spoke to me and said, ‘You need to pray for the man in the red car.”  The preacher climbed into the red car and prayed fervently the man to not have internal injuries or brain damage.  He also began singing hymns.  As he prayed for the man, the man came to life and began to sing with him.   

Don was miraculously brought back to life from the fatal car wreck.  Most of the book is about Don’s recovery, and the struggles he has endured since the wreck.  The first few chapters and the focal point of the book are about the ninety minutes Don spent in Heaven while he was dead.

People welcomed Don to Heaven by name.  He refers to the people as “his celestial welcoming committee.”  The people who welcomed him were people that played an instrumental role in his becoming a Christian and helped him in his Christian walk.  He embraced loved ones that had passed on before him, and to Don it was the grandest family reunion. 

He spoke of the glorious music and praises he heard while he was in Heaven.  “Praise was everywhere, and all of it was musical, yet comprised of melodies and tones I’d never experienced before.”  He heard, “Hallelujah!  Praise!  Glory to God!  Praise to the King!   Such words rang out in the midst of all the music.”  The swishing of angel’s wings could also be heard. 
 

     Piper, Don. 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN.  Grand Rapids:  Fleming H. Revell, 2004.   26, 31.                             

A rainbow in the sky (part I)

 

I have a few thoughts I wanted to write down, and I could not think of a title for what I had to say.  Tonight, I was sitting on my front porch and noticed the sun setting on the trees.  The sun seemed to be setting in a different place, so I got up to check it out.  I walked out of my driveway and looked in the sky all around my house.  How fitting that I saw a beautiful, tall, rainbow in the sky with a partial, double rainbow next to it.  I went inside to tell Lauren and Ashton.  Lauren wanted me to get the video camera, so I did.  As I gazed in the sky, I said, “God keeps His promises.”  He has kept His promises from the very beginning of time, and in His word He said He would never leave us nor forsake us.  He was with Mom and my family every step of the way.

Grandma Freddie passed away a few weeks ago, and we went to her funeral.  It was a graveside funeral.  During the funeral, I heard wind chimes from another gravesite.  The chimes reminded me of Mom.  After the service, Dad came up to me and started to speak but couldn’t because he was choked up.  He said something about the chimes and Mom.  He said, “Your mom was here.”  I told him I was thinking the same thing.

After the service, a lady came up to me and said, “You look exactly like your mother.”  “You are so beautiful.”  She said my hair was like Mom’s too.  I was taken back by her comments and had to gather myself before I said, “Thank you.”  She told me she was a high school friend of Moms. 

After the funeral, Lauren, Ashton, and I went back to St. Simons to visit Dad for a week.  I helped Dad clean out a lot of things he needed to get rid of such as clothes, ties, and shoes that were out of style.  Mom kept a closet full of baby toys and toys for the grandkids.  She spoiled them to death!!  I got rid of a lot of the toys and made room for Dad’s things because that closet would be his.  Claudia would put her stuff in the other closet.

I reflected for a while when I was in the room where Mom died.  The phases replayed, the motions and emotions revisited.  I lay down in the position Mom was laying when she died and thought about the gates of Heaven opening up, and the angels escorting Mom to Heaven.  What a thought!  Ashton and I both took turns sleeping with Mom’s stuffed bunny.

As we were cleaning out stuff around the house, we came across an angel bear.  Ashton said he had given the bear to Granny.  Jennifer told Ashton since he had given the bear to her, he should keep it.  He was thrilled.  He told me, “Sleeping with the bear reminds me of sleeping with Granny.”  Mom would usually lay down with them at night, and she would usually fall asleep.   

August 28th

Tomorrow would have been Mom’s birthday.  I did not know what I should do about Dad and whether I should send him a card.  What would I say?  I called Joann and talked to her.  I decided to send him his favorite cookies from my shop and had Paul send them to him.  When I checked my e-mail today, Dad said thanks for the cookies, and on the same e-mail, he also wrote to Jennifer.  Jennifer and Juliette made Dad cookies and sent them to him also.  Tomorrow will be a hard day especially for Dad.

I think about what Dad thinks of when he sees us.  The one thing, I thought he may think is that he made love to Mom for us to be here.  I also thought about Dad having to face Mom everyday knowing she was dying and how hard that must have been for him.  It was hard enough seeing her the times I was able to.

Along with an e-mail, Dad sent us pictures of Mom’s and Brennan’s grave slabs.  Just looking at the slab makes me think about her and how at one time she breastfed us, loved us, and hugged us.  Now she is buried in the ground.  It is so hard looking at her picture.  It is hard to believe she is not here anymore.

On Mom’s birthday, I took the kids to the pool.  While sitting outside, I thought of Mom and said out loud that I missed her and I said "Happy Birthday."  I even sang, “Happy Birthday” out loud.  Call me crazy!!  Since I did not know if she could hear me, I thought it was appropriate to do so.  I never thought about Heaven and whether birthdays are celebrated.  I know Jesus knows the exact day and second we were born.

A letter of love

I have wanted to write Aunt Jackie and my cousins from Ohio, but I did not exactly know what I wanted to say.  I knew I wanted to make sure my cousins knew Jesus since they were going through their mother having cancer.  I have been in my cousin’s shoes by watching Mom go through something so devastating and wanted them to have Jesus to lean on.  Aunt Jackie would especially need Jesus to make it through.  I did not want to be the one that never shared Christ with them, and when they died they would not spend eternity with Him.

I wanted the letter to be received well and not be pushy.  I had Paul read the letter, and he said it came from my heart and did not seem pushy.  I sent Aunt Jackie a card that spoke of comfort and wrote on her card; I sent my cousins an e-mail.  I asked the teachers in the prayer meeting to pray the letter be received well.

The next day, I checked my e-mail, and I received an e-mail from one of my cousins.  She thanked me for my kind thoughts and prayers and said she would stay in touch.

U  Is there a letter of love you can send to a loved one?  U

Brennan

Besides Mom passing away and me not getting to coach my volleyball team, Jamie’s baby was delivered ten weeks early and died.  She went to the hospital, and they tried to stop her contractions.  She was sent to a hospital in Savannah because they could not stop the contractions, and if she had the baby early, this hospital had a great neonatal facility.  After they did an extensive ultrasound on the baby, the doctors noticed a large mass that filled up his whole lung.  They gave the baby about a five percent chance to live.  The doctor’s said if she did not deliver the baby the baby would die inside of her.  They decided for Jamie to have a c-section the next day.

I did not want Jamie to worry about calling the funeral home and all the details if he passed away, so I called and got all the information she needed to know.  Brennan was born the next day and weighed four pounds five ounces.  The doctors tried to incubate him, but they were not successful.  He never took a breath, but his heart beat for a few hours.  Everyone that was there was able to hold him.  Christopher Brennan Wiles went to be with the Lord, June 17^th, 2004, the same day he was born.  I thought about Mom being there to greet him in Heaven.  She probably did not share him very much when he first got there.

U  If you have a son or daughter with a terminal illness, have you talked to them about Jesus, and do they know Him as their personal Lord and Savior?  U

U  Have you talked with them about Heaven and for them not to be afraid?  U

 

I called my grandparents to let them know.  I called Grandma Freddie and Granddad (Dad’s father), Grandmother, and Nana.

I did not get to see Brennan but was heading down to St. Simons the next day anyway because it was my twenty year high school reunion.  On the way to St. Simons, Paul and I stopped in Savannah and visited with Jamie and Chris in the hospital.  Jamie was sitting there in Mom’s nightgown.  She had all the scars of having a baby because she had a c-section, but there was not a baby to cuddle.  She got teary eyed when I walked in as each person that walked in would remind her of why they were there.  I brought with me two baby blankets of Ashton’s because Brennan would be wrapped in a blanket when he was buried.  I told her she could use one of them if she wanted to, and she would not hurt my feelings if she did not want to use it.

 

I asked her if she minded if I see him at the funeral home, and she said that was okay. They decided to bury Brennan at the feet of Mom’s grave.  The funeral would be Tuesday.

Sunday night I called Grandmother and told her I was going the next morning to see Brennan at the funeral home.  I asked her if she wanted to go.  She needed to think about it and when I called her back later, she decided to go.  I met her at the funeral home, and we went into the room to see Brennan.  He was lying in an eighteen inch coffin, and he had a cute white outfit on with a white hat on his head.  Tucked under his arm was a stuffed animal one of Jamie’s friends got for him.  He was precious.  Jamie had decided on a beautiful, white blanket to have him wrapped in.

U  Can you offer to give a special stuffed animal or blanket?  U

I looked at him just like I did Mom and knew he was in Heaven with her.  I took a few pictures because I did not know if Jamie would want them.  I cried and before I left, I kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him in Heaven one day and to wait for me.

The funeral was Tuesday and was difficult especially after just having to bury Mom in March.  The funeral was to start at 10:00 a.m. and nearly twenty-five minutes later, Grandmother was still not there.  We started the funeral without her.  At the end of the funeral, Uncle Johnny pulled up with Grandmother in the car.  She was distraught because she had missed the funeral.  They got lost.  I tried to get her to calm down and told her at least she got there.  She was thanking me for asking her to go to the funeral home to see Brennan since she did not make the funeral.  She asked if anyone filmed the funeral, and I told her no.  When I asked Jamie if she wanted me to tape the funeral, she shook her head no.

I ended up staying the whole week instead of staying for just the weekend.  I went over to Jamie’s house and helped her around the house.  I gave her house a good spring cleaning.

U  Are there things as simple as housework you can do for someone?  U

Dad was planning on going on a mission trip to Panama.  He decided not to go because he would have missed the funeral.  He made a comment to one of my sisters about dealing with this kind of stuff was for Momma.  There will be plenty more times he will have to take Mom’s place.

Ministering to others

 

About three weeks after Mom went to be with the Lord one of Paul’s workers had a series of several strokes and was in the hospital.  I had not seen his wife in years but felt as though I needed to go to the hospital to see her.  Someone showed me who she was, and as I walked up to her, she hugged me.  As we were talking she said, “Didn’t your mom just pass away a few weeks ago?”  I nodded my head yes.  She said, “And you are up here with me?”

Her husband was on life support and was not expected to make it.  I wanted to see him.  When I went into his ICU room, I met his dad and a few of his relatives.  A nurse said we needed to leave the room.  I asked his dad if I could say a prayer for his son, and he said yes.  Everyone had left the room, and I knew this was probably the last time I would see him alive.  I put my hand on his arm and prayed.  I said something to the effect that he was going to Heaven and would see Mom.  I knew he was saved, but I did not know about his wife.  I went into the hall and asked her if I could pray with her, and we did.  I kept wondering about her salvation, so in her sympathy card I told her I hoped she had asked Jesus in her heart, so she can have the same peace her husband had. 

U  Are you willing to minister to others in their time of need?  U

The “unsaved”

I was excited about Mom’s funeral and actually told Joann that.  There are a lot of people in my family that I am not sure of their salvation.  I was excited they may for the first time hear the gospel presentation and become saved.  If that were the case, Mom would have thought her death was all worthwhile.  I prayed for them because I wanted nothing more than to see all of my family members in Heaven.

 

 U  Are there loved ones you can be praying for concerning their salvation?  U

 

A lot of our family from out of town came down for the funeral.  Several cousins who live in Ohio drove down.  We don’t get to see them very often, so it was nice to be able to spend time with them.  They were a big help in the kitchen helping clean up after we fed a lot of people. 

Seeing Brenda

There were several times I would call Mom’s house, and I talked with Brenda.  I had not met her until Monday morning.  She was planning on coming over to Mom’s house before Mom passed away, so we decided to still have her come.  We hugged each other when she walked into the house, and I introduced myself to her.  We had a list of things we wanted her to do.  Things like detailed dusting, wiping down baseboards, and things we knew Dad would not do.

I could tell she was very upset and distraught.  I told her Mom was not suffering anymore, and she was with Jesus in Heaven.