He’s preparing me again

I had my MRI late Friday, and I am waiting for the results.  I was given a shot of dye to enhance the images.  The tech told me if I had MS, “It would be lit up like a Christmas tree.”  Paul took the disc that contained the MRI to my doctor in Atlanta.  Now…..the waiting. 

The Lord was preparing me Sunday during church.  The church was celebrating paying off the loan as the church is debt free.  We sang a lot of praise and worship music….all of which ministered to me.  Tears streamed down my face, and I continually wiped them away.  Ashton was next to me, but I could not help it.  It was a very emotional time for me.  Each song was sung as if it were just for me.  The words were so meaningful.  Some of the lines from the songs I wrote in my Bible were: “Just when you think you have finally reached the end, there’s gonna be a victory like there’s never been.” “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh, give Him the glory great things He hath done.”  “Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever.”  “Take my life and let it be for you Lord and for your glory.”  “Waiting here for you,……singing halleluiah.”  “Lift my eyes up – my help comes from the Lord.”  “I will not fear, His promise is true.”  “My God will come through always, always.”  Brother Bill referred to how He (the Lord) wants to use us, bless us, and touch the world through us.  I wrote in my Bible “HE is preparing me today – to be strong.”

Today, I have been very wobbly on my feet, and my head has not been right.  I came home and sat on the front porch and cried.  I knew what I had was not good whether cancer or MS.  I asked the Lord to help me be strong and not a wimp.

I got the results back and everything was clear.  My new doctor really could not do anything else for me from her side of medicine, so we went to my new local physician.  I set up an appointment with him, and he thought I might have tennis elbow.  We took a few x-rays and there seemed to be swelling at the tendons.  He then ordered the MRI, and it came back with tendonitis in two different tendons.  At least I know what is causing the pain.    

Oh, the Little Details

I took Grandmother’s charm bracelet and put on the charms—Mom engraved her charm with my birthdate. I will pass down the bracelet to Lauren because it represents her grandmother and great-grandmother. I couldn’t wait to wear it.

     I wanted to make sure my cousins did not mind, so I sent a message to one telling her I was going to keep it and that I hoped no one would care. No, I did not have to do this even though their charms were on the bracelet. One may think I shouldn’t have said anything, but I wanted a clear conscience. I did what was right. They did not mind.

     Dad gave me two neat pennants the preachers brought as they visited Grandmother. I like the one made with two nails shaped like a cross.

 

 UHave you considered how you will act regarding your loved one’s belongings? (Should little items be put in a will?)U

 UIf there are items you want certain people to have, can you do it in private because other family members may wish to have their possessions, too?U

UMany relatives from out of town will gather for a funeral. Have you considered communicating your plans to others so everyone can see each other? A simple gathering such as a last-minute meal with a few relatives may mean a lot to someone.U

Grandmother (part V)

The preacher wanted a big hat like Grandmother would wear at the front of the church next to her picture. Her ashes were in a box covered with pretty linen. A large flower arrangement was at the front of the church as well. The flowers were from Claudia and Dad and would be in the church service Sunday.

     A reception was held after the service. A lady mentioned the members would like a receiving line. We weren't prepared, but despite our lack of preparation, we pulled it together and met many people from her church, Dad’s church, and others who loved Grandmother.

     I went to Grandmother’s house because she had wanted me to go through her clothes and get what I wanted. I did not want her clothes except for a few things with sentimental value. I found a writing pen from her church, a Beanie Baby and purse for Lauren, two makeup compacts, a pair of earrings for one of my sisters, my cousin’s charms with their birthdays engraved on them, a few of her cushioned fancy hangers for myself and my sisters, and a few other small items. I also found a card that I sent her. 

     I noticed the box of Grandmother’s ashes on the table at Dad’s house and wanted to hold it. It is weird to think I held all that was left of my Grandmother. The box was sealed tight. I rocked it like a ship in a storm, listening to its sounds. Why did I do this? I have no clue.

     I told Dad, “You did a good job, and Grandmother would have been proud.”

     On the way home, we got gas. A few seagulls were flying around in the parking lot, which made me think—I hope Grandmother sees angels flying since she can’t see the seagulls.  

     That night, I prayed and told the Lord it would be great if He let me peek into Heaven and see if Grandmother was there. I could celebrate and not be in sorrow. I must give it to the Lord, releasing the burden from my heart, and not dwell on it. I would be mournful if she was not there. I can’t do anything now—I did all I was supposed to do.

Grandmother (part IV)

The memorial service was nicely done. Joann spoke and mentioned the Lord helped her pull it all together. She recited a poem and included many things my sisters told her. She did a great job. I wouldn’t have been able to read it without crying. The title is “Grandmother’s Poem.”

“Grandmother’s Poem”

“While at Grandmother’s bedside,

Dad asked if I’d share today

Full of emotion, I didn’t think this possible,

But then remembered, with God NOTHING is impossible!!  (Phil 4:13)

Empty inside, words wouldn’t come

Traveling to work, K-LOVE (radio), my friend

4 King & Country’s, ‘Busted Heart’ lyrics did play

‘Hold on to Me’, ‘Hold on to Me’, my silent prayer became.

What began as adjectives:

Polished, classy, fashionable,

Precious, sweet & kind.

Caring, devoted, matriarch,

Independent, strong willed, determined…

Phrases & words finally came.

A grandmother’s love, who can fathom?

Love for her family – fierce like a bear

Love for pets (poodles were her fav) and her gardens too.

Advice on clothes, hair, nails, and manners too.

Wisdom from an immaculate, classy woman.

Stories of younger days,

Of modeling, and a Southern Bell too.

Many jobs and exciting interests were hers.

Career climbs, executive this & that

At OSHA she did wind.

                                                                                                            

Watching my siblings & I, a joy for her,

A yearly trip to Jekyll Mom & Dad (Jaycees convention) would go.

Fun, cooking, hygiene lessons,

Rearranging, redecorating,

Changing’ things’ & moving ‘stuff’;

a small price to pay, for the fun we all had!

Memories of her River House are fond for all –

Shrimp nets, glass balls, hanging beads, one big room

Floating dock, crabbin’, fishin’,

sting rays & snapping turtles caught.

Ledge jumping, swimming for hours,

Showers, nap time, then crabs to boil.

Land to roam, space for tag & childhood games

Rose gardens named for each one (of her grands).

Summertime, Yankees would come

Arrive in a big blue bus.

Hours of fun in the sun,

Later a shrimp boil she would host.

New experiences, included travel w/ Trayc,

Back when days were carefree

Simpler, trusting, two 13 year olds by poolside she could leave.

Dinners w/ gentlemen friends we’d all go

Trayc, GM & I what a trio we must have been!

When taking pictures, her glasses just HAD to go!

‘Wait!’  ‘How’s my hair?’  ‘My teeth?’

Her feet had to be placed ‘just so’ (she wanted the perfect pic!!).

Later in life, her wheelchair, her friend

No one! Nothing! Could keep her down!

When this her only transportation,

A trip to Winn Dixie she did go!

Calls to Dad others did make,

‘Check on your mother; she’s gotten away!’ 

Magnolia Manor w/ a fuss she did go

However, new friends & dinner companions,

Black shoes w/ rhinestones & eyebrows drawn, a MUST! (even if they were red!)

Bday 95, she thought it was 96!

No one could convenience her otherwise – why even try?

Last breath, eyes half open

Told to Mom & Jackie to go

Finally at rest, her work here done!

As a comfort for her loved ones

It may help to know…

She knew the end was near.

She told others she was ready to ‘go’.

Pastor Paul assures ‘her spiritual bags were packed’ &

‘Everything was in place.’

Now, we can have hope in our hearts & can smile at her memory

Until our time together again we can enjoy, I can hear her say…

‘Remember all I’ve taught’, ‘Stand up straight!’, ‘Do your best!’

‘I love you, Doll!’

Grandmothers truly know what it means to LOVE unconditionally.  They take such pride in watching us grow & in seeing us mature.  We see ourselves in them & they see their youth is us.  We’ll thank God for allowing our grandmother, Margaret Royal, to love, guide & influence us.”

Grandmother (part III)

We drove to St. Simons Friday night. Joann called and asked what memories I had of Grandmother because she was putting together what she wanted to say. Dad wanted her to speak during Grandmother’s memorial service.

 

     My fondest memories are of Grandmother’s river dock house. We’d go there frequently when I was young, and the many times we crabbed at her house inspired my love of crabbing. I caught a snapping turtle and a stingray in my crab net, too.

     My recent memories are of my kids’ playing cards with her, such as "Go Fish," "War," and others. They had looked forward to spending special time with her.

     I got up early Saturday morning and went to the beach to take pictures. I took a few while thinking of Grandmother. It is hard to believe she is not here anymore.

     Saturday, several ladies from Dad and Claudia’s church brought lunch for the whole family. Everyone was there at noon because the memorial service was at 2:00 p.m. I was pulling out gray hairs in the bathroom as everyone arrived. I was taking after Mom! 

Grandmother (part II)

Dad called Wednesday and said she was not going to last much longer. 

     “Do you want to say something to her? I will hold the phone to her ear. She will probably not hear you.” 

     “I still want to talk to her anyway.”

     “Thank you for being a wonderful grandmother and a special person. Ashton, Lauren, and Paul think the same thing. You need Jesus because He is the most important person—you need to ask Him into her heart.”

 

I cried as I spoke. These were the last words I would tell her.

     Paul hadn’t seen his grandparents much because they’d lived far away. Two grandparents died when he was in high school or college—three died before he was born. Fortunately, he had mine. 

     Dad said if she passed away, the memorial service would be Saturday. 

     I received a text from Joann on January 5, 2012. She stated, “Grandmother was finally at peace and no longer in pain. She passed away at 2:40 p.m. The memorial service will be on Saturday at 2:00 p.m. at her church on St. Simons. Her service will be at the cemetery in Savannah in the upcoming weeks when it is convenient for our cousins and us.”

     There was not an open casket because Grandmother was cremated—she didn’t want people to see her that way.

 

     I called Dad again to ask if he wanted us to stay in a hotel. Things would be hectic around the house, and I did not want to make it worse. He wanted my family to stay at his home. 

     He was talkative on the call and said he was excited to see everyone. I was a little surprised. He might have been relieved because he had taken care of Grandmother’s finances, paid her bills, and many other things for years. 

Grandmother (part I)

 

Dad sent me an email stating that Grandmother was referred to Hospice and that a Hospice nurse would assess her in two days. The next day, Dad sent another brief email with the subject line “Mother.” I paused before opening it because I thought it would be bad news. The short email stated, “She is sinking fast!! Horrible sight. Dad.”  

     I called Dad to see what was going on. Grandmother had a bad day yesterday—she was restless. He had not seen her eyes open all the way in three days. She was not able to swallow. They were giving her meds under her tongue and making her comfortable.

     Dad told me Jamie had visited Grandmother. Grandmother opened her eyes briefly but did not know Jamie was there. 

     “I want to see her,” I said.

     “I don’t think she will recognize you or know you’re there. I think you should remember her the way you saw her last,” he said.

     Grandmother was not ready to die because I still don’t think she knows Jesus. She wouldn’t let me have conversations about her salvation. 

     “That is personal information,” she said.

     Before I went to bed, I cried and prayed, “Lord, I want her to meet you so bad because I don’t want her to go to Hell.” 

     She is a wonderful grandmother. I prayed for her salvation for years and that Jesus would call her to Him. I wish I could do something for her, but I can’t. She has to recognize her need for Him and ask Him into her life.

I prayed she would be awake enough to do so. I did not know what to pray for; the Holy Spirit would do that for me. 

 

In Their Shoes

Most of what I have gone through is to benefit others. I thought about my current pain and quest to find what’s wrong. I have walked in the shoes of someone who believed they had a terminal illness. These people are constantly dealing with complex symptoms. 

     The long wait for a diagnosis is difficult. Other doctors seemed as though they didn’t care or didn’t care enough to help. The list went on. At least I had drugs to relieve my pain. 

     The bottom line is compassion. When a person is going through an illness, show compassion. We have no idea until we’ve walked in their shoes.

U Can you show compassion for those with an illness, disability, or disease?  U 

U Have you wondered what it’s like to walk in their shoes? (We should be thankful for the little things.) U 

 

“My new doctor” (part II)

The doctor and I talked on the phone January 25, 2012.  She looked at the MRI and agreed with the other doctor that my left arm pain was not caused by the other issues with my neck.  She did not receive the other test results though and will ask for them.  I told her the steroid did not work, and I told her about the other symptoms I thought she needed to know about.  I wanted her to be aggressive with the diagnosis because our lease for the shop is up in a week.  I told her I did not want to sign a long term lease without knowing my diagnosis.  I also did not want to move to a new space and have to sign a long term lease as well.  She understood, and I asked her what the next step would be.

She said for me to call and get a MRI of my brain and spinal cord.  If I had MS, the lesions would be on both my brain and the spinal cord; she could as well look at the MRI to see what else could be wrong.  I asked her to request the old MRI of my brain in 2005.

Do I really want to know the results?  While things have not been fun to go through, and I have not enjoyed the pain, maybe the worst is yet to come.  Maybe I should “enjoy” where I am now.  I asked the Lord to help me enjoy the week I had in front of me even though I am not even promised tomorrow. 

I have noticed I have been agitated a lot last week. Lauren said I should check the side effects of the drugs I am taking.  Sure enough, agitation is the first severe side effect listed.  I will have to pray and ask the Lord to help me through this side effect.