A blessing in disguise?

This day was hard.  One of the first things that really stand out in my mind is I miss her.  I was not really prepared for her to die.  It was as though I wanted the clock to be rewound, so I could have done it differently.  I wish I would have given her a final hug.  I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me and how she had been such a special Mom.  Telling her these things would have been difficult because we did not know how much time she had left.  The timing would have been critical.  I would not have wanted to tell her then three months later she passes away. 

All along I thought the Lord was going to heal her.  The last few weeks before she died, I started to think He may not heal her physically.  Once I got to her house, I knew He was not going to physically heal her.  I wonder if it was a blessing in disguise He was giving to me, so I would not anguish over the long months she slowly deteriorated.  Maybe He was trying to keep me strong, knowing I would have fallen apart.

I wanted to clean up Mom’s room before Nana (her mom) got there.  I kept a few things of hers as I was cleaning.  I kept the last straw she drank out of, the last rag we had used for her to suck on, and the last card I sent her.  The card I sent her was the card I used to fan her so frequently.  On the front of the card was the following quote, by Roy Lessin, “In His Time…….I wait on God to bring to pass all He has promised me, and as I wait I rest in faith in what I cannot see.  For in His way He will provide at just the perfect time everything that’s good and right to bless this life of mine.”  It had listed my favorite scripture, Romans 8:28 on the inside of the card.  I also kept the sheet with all the medicines written down.

I went over to Grandmother’s house.  She greeted me at the door, and we talked for a few minutes.  She said she did not know how she was going to make it without her.  She could not understand why it was not her that died; she had lived a long life.  I told her there was a reason; we may not know what it is, but there is a reason.  I quoted Romans 8:28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (NIV, Romans 8.28)  It just rolled off my tongue without hesitation.  Grandmother said, “I hope so.”  She told me I was like a stone or a rock.  I guess it was because of how strong I was being.

U  Can you share God’s faithfulness to others as they struggle to understand?  U

Lessin, Roy. In His Time. Siloam Springs: DaySpring Cards.

Seeing Brenda

There were several times I would call Mom’s house, and I talked with Brenda.  I had not met her until Monday morning.  She was planning on coming over to Mom’s house before Mom passed away, so we decided to still have her come.  We hugged each other when she walked into the house, and I introduced myself to her.  We had a list of things we wanted her to do.  Things like detailed dusting, wiping down baseboards, and things we knew Dad would not do.

I could tell she was very upset and distraught.  I told her Mom was not suffering anymore, and she was with Jesus in Heaven.

The sunrise

The next morning, I woke up early because I had a terrible pain in my shoulder.  It hurt so bad I even went outside to get Advil out of my car.  I figured since I’m up I would go watch the sunrise.  Dad walked to the restroom when I was in the hall, and I told him I was going to watch the sunrise.  I left a note for Paul, so he would know where I was if he woke up before I got home.

The sun was beautiful.  I parked my car at East Beach which has a place to park that overlooks the ocean.  I did not want anyone to see me because I knew I was going to cry.  I did not get out of the car at first because the gnats were terrible.  During the last song, I opened the sunroof, turned the music up real loud, and stood in front of the car looking at the sunrise.  There was a bird sitting on the top of a sign, and he was looking upward towards the Heavens.  I thought that was neat.

I  clearly remember the message I was getting as I sat there.  It was as if God was telling me, “I’m still in control.”  I thanked Him for letting me have her.  I said to her, whether she can hear me or not, “Wait for me, I’ll be there.”

U As hard as it is, do you trust God because He is still in control? U

“SEE YOU IN HEAVEN”

I knew where Mom had left the four girls some money when she passed away.  Before I went to bed Sunday night, I went in her safe and found the money for us.  She had money tucked in various places all over the house, and she left a note that said, “When I’m gone……..Any money found is to be divided between all 4 girls.  If any daughter is already in Heaven, their share and money in the bank account goes to their kids!  I trust each of you.”  I thought she was probably laughing at us if she could see us as we were going around the house looking for the money.

Along with the money, she left four index cards for each of the girls.  It read, “SEE YOU IN HEAVEN……..My prayer is that each of you four girls make sure all of my grandchildren, their children, and their children’s children (until the end of time) and their spouses, all go to Heaven.  Please go with them to Sunday school and church so they will have the blessed opportunity to know of God’s love for them and to accept Jesus as their Savior!” WOW!!  That is just like Mom.  I plan on framing mine and placing it in my house.  I also plan and passing it down to her future generations. 

U   Is there a legacy your loved one may want to pass along to their future generations?  U

“Baby doll”

I guess I did not know what really to expect.  The men from the funeral home came to the door.  It was real assuring because one of the men knew Mom and went to her church.  He walked into the room where she lay and sat down beside her.  He called her some cute name like “baby doll.”  I did not want to be in the room nor see her as she was being taken away.  They asked Jamie and me verbally if she was to be embalmed; we said yes.  He asked if Mom had any undergarments.  We packed her things and gave them to him.  I saw her on the folded up bed.  They had a sheet covering up her body to her chest.  They brought by a guestbook, a stand to put it on, and a chest full of ice.

The next few hours were a whirlwind.  Countless people came by and visited, several brought food.  That night was difficult.  I slept in the same bed I had the night before, in the room where she passed away.  She did not want to die at home because she did not want us to remember her house as where she passed away.  Mom wanted to pass away at the Hospice facility in Brunswick.  The facility did not have any open beds though.  As I slept, I woke up a few times during the night and looked up to the bed where she had slept.  All that was there was a stuffed bunny she loved.  It had a Valentine’s balloon tied to it.

U  Where does your loved one want to be when they pass away?  (It doesn’t bother me that she died at home.)  U

U  If you live out of town and are unable to send a meal, have you thought about sending the family a gift certificate to their favorite restaurant?  U 

Her last tear (part II)

By then a lot of Mom and Dad’s closest friends had come over.  I walked back into the room where she was and two of her best friends were sitting on the adjacent bed.  They were talking about Mom for a while.  Several other friends came by, as well as their preacher, Jim Smith.  We all circled around Mom and said a prayer.  One of the ladies said she was, “perfectly healed.”  I asked the Lord to heal her, and today she is singing and praising Jesus with a perfect body.  Another lady said, “I can’t believe that she’s finished all that she was here to do.”

U  Can you be there to comfort a friend?  (I thought it was special for Dad’s closest friends to be there for him right after Mom passed away.)  U

U  Friends, can you put yourself in their shoes?  If you were in their shoes, what would you want your friends to do:  to stay at an arms distance and give you a little space, call to check up on you, bring you meals, or come by and visit you?  (Everyone is different.)  Could you ask them which one of these they need?  Can you make it verbal somehow that you are there for them?  Can you still include them in your plans?  U

U  If your loved one passed away can you communicate to your friends what you need?  How do they know how to act unless they have been through the same thing? (You may say you need a little time and you will call them.   Communication is important; no one should assume anything.)  U

I went back into the den, and Dad was sitting in between two of his friends on the couch.  He openly wept again.  He was crying once again about me being alone when Mom passed away.  I sat down next to him, and he put his arm around me.  I again assured him I wanted to be there when she passed away.

By then, Angie came to the house.  She pronounced her dead at 3:00 pm.  I saw that time on the death certificate and told her it was wrong because it was 2:30 pm.  She said that was the time she assessed her and determined her death.  She hugged me, and she said it was so unexpected.  I asked her if the Morphine had anything to do with her dying, and she said no.  She said she thought I would ask that question.  She had already looked at the medicines, and there was not much gone.  She mentioned some patients needed a lot more and more frequently.  She had to count and destroy the leftover drugs.  Lurlyne, one of Mom’s friends, witnessed that for me. 

Angie asked if I cared if she laid Mom’s bed down flat, and I told her no.  We were fixing the pillows under Mom’s head, and her head plopped down to the side.  Out of habit I said, “Sorry Mom.”  Then I felt a little silly because she was dead.  Everything still had not sunk in yet.  I thought I heard Mom talking as I passed by one of the rooms and again remembered she was not there.  The pillowcase on her bed had the words, “Home Sweet Home,” written on it.  Angie pulled the sheet up to Mom’s chest and folded her hands over her body.  She tried to hold Mom’s chin shut so her mouth would not be open.

Dad’s friends brought Lauren and Ashton to the house.  There were a lot of people at the house, and the first thing Ashton asked was why there were so many people.  I took them out to the back patio and sat them down.  I told them the reason there were so many people there is because Granny passed away.  Ashton did not know what that meant so, I told him Granny died, and she was with Jesus in Heaven.  They both cried.  I told them if they wanted to, they could both go see her.  Ashton hopped up and wanted to see her right away.  Lauren was not ready yet.  I told them they could kiss her, hug her, and tell her anything they wanted to, but she was not there.

U   Are you giving your children/grandchildren the choice to view their deceased loved one?  U

I walked them back to the room where she was.  They both visited with her for a while.  Lauren was ready to leave, but Ashton was not.  I walked Lauren out of the room and told someone to take care of her.  When I went back into the room, Ashton was pouring his heart out to her.  I wish I could remember what he said.  It was precious.  One of the comments Lauren said was, “At least we don’t have to worry about how loud we are.”

U  Are you taking into consideration the differences of each child’s sensitivity concerning the death of their loved one?  U

Grandmother walked over to the house.  She had her walker with her, and I helped her through the kitchen.  She asked if someone was going to go back with her, and I told her I was.  She sat down in the chair next to Mom and wanted to be alone with her, so I left.            

Angie said it would take forty-five minutes to an hour for the funeral home to get there and asked if anyone else was coming by to see her before they came.  Paul had gotten there meanwhile.  I did not want the kids to see when they came to get her.  He took them to do something away from the house.  Everyone had gotten there to see her.  Joann and Jennifer lived too far away so Angie called the funeral home.

Her last tear (part I)

I noticed after she had passed away, a tear in her left eye.  I touched her tear and kissed it.  I can’t remember what I said as I was doing that.  That would be the last tear she would ever have again.  There are no tears in Heaven.  She looked peaceful as if there was a faint smile on her face.

The same squirrel came back to the window and peeked his head into the window.  It was if to say he knew Mom had passed away.  I think the Lord had that squirrel come back again.

I called Nana back and told her the reason I had to call her back was because Mom had passed away, and I was trying to help her.  She cried.  I talked with her awhile.  I told Nana that she was with Jesus in Heaven and not suffering anymore.  I was strong when I was talking with her and wanted her to tell me anything she wanted to say.  Nana talked about how she was such a sweet girl.

I called Jamie, and she said she would be right there.  I then called Jennifer and told her the news.  She wept bitterly on the phone.  Jamie arrived, and we wept together.  Then Dad came into the room.  I have never in my life seen Dad cry.  He sat down in the chair next to her, rubbed her arm and said, “Oh, baby,” (that I can remember).  He openly lamented and cried out loud over her death.  I whispered to Jamie for us to be strong for Dad.  He started to cry again and this time it was because he did not want me to be there alone when she passed.  I told him I wanted to be there.

Dad had dropped Lauren and Ashton off at a friend’s house before he came home.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with them.  Whether I wanted them to see Mom how she was or wait to see if they wanted to see her at the funeral home.  I was going to wait until Paul got to the house before I told him she passed away, but I needed to know what to do with the kids.  I called him and told him Mom passed away and asked him what he thought about the kids seeing Mom.  I told him I thought they should see her because it would bring closure.  They had seen her before they left and something to the effect that they should see her before she is taken to the funeral home.  He agreed.  I told them to bring the kids over.  I was very thankful the kids were not there as she passed away.  It was stressful enough for me.  It would have been overwhelming for them.  God’s timing is good.

2:30 p.m.

I then looked at the clock; it was 2:30 p.m.  Mom was not taking any more breaths.  I turned on the BIPAP machine, and put the mask to her face but it did not work because Mom was not breathing in the air.  She lay there with her mouth open, and she was still.  I felt for a pulse, and there was none.  I remember looking at her neck earlier as she was taking her last breaths and could not remember if I saw her pulse.  I knew she was dead.  I openly wept and lamented greatly.  I had wanted to be there when Mom passed away.  I kissed her just as I had been kissing her a lot that day.  I said something to the effect that she was with Jesus and was not suffering anymore.  I remember looking at her and smiling because I knew she was in Heaven.  I thought it was very fitting the Lord took her to Heaven when she no longer had a voice to tell us how to help her, and it was Sunday.

U   Can you praise the God who gives and takes away?  U