Seeds of doubt

 

There have been a few times I have had doubt.  Maybe I am imagining what I wanted to happen instead of what God was telling me.  One night as I was riding home from work, I was thinking about Mom, and a seed of doubt came into my mind.  I quickly dismissed it.  When I looked up, I saw a truck sitting at the red light in front of me.  On the tailgate, where one would usually see the word TOYOTA, the word JESUS was written out in white tape.  That one thing was all the words of affirmation I needed.

Jesus in the Clouds

That night, before the teachers went out to dinner, I had an intimate session with the Lord.  As I looked out a window in the hotel room, I shared my heart with Him.  I always feel close to Him through nature, and He reveals Himself to me through His nature.

I cried and talked with Him as I was by myself.  I wept for Mom and said to Him, “I just want to touch you.”  There before my eyes was one of the neatest things He has shown me through His nature.  A cloud formed in the shape of a man with his arms outstretched.  He had a shroud around his head, and the folds in the garment were visible.  The figure had flowing garments as they wore in Jesus’ day.  The facial features were defined as well.  In the middle of the robe, there was a space missing in the shape of a heart. 

This was very moving to me, and I watched the cloud as it started to drift over the top of the hotel room out of sight.  I was enjoying every second of this journey He was allowing me to walk down with Him.  My roommate entered the room, and as I heard her coming, I quickly dried my eyes and continued to stare out the window at the beautiful array of colors as the sun started to set.  She saw I was engrossed in thought, so she let me be.     

                    

U   Are you taking the time to find Jesus around you, even in the clouds?  U

What was God trying to tell me? (part l)

Since the middle of January, I felt as though God was trying to tell me He was going to answer my prayer and heal her.  For the first few weeks, I cannot remember the exact details of why I thought He would.  Then I was bombarded with situation after situation all pointing to her being healed.  I went to an ACSI (Association of Christian School International) teacher’s conference in North Carolina, January 29-31, 2004.  I had been telling a few fellow teachers about me getting swamped with hints of Mom getting healed.

                        

I finished my classes for the day and retreated to my hotel room.  That night, as I was trying to do my devotion, my roommate was flipping through the channels and stopped on a story about someone that had a miracle happen in their life.  I watched the show with her.  It was concerning a man who was very sick and needed a bone marrow transplant.  The doctors mentioned several times about miracles taking place.

I pondered these things in my mind, finished my devotion, and went to bed.  The scripture I read before I went to bed was, “Some children were brought to Jesus so he could lay his hands on them and pray for them.  The disciples told them not to bother him.  But Jesus said, ‘Let the children come to me.  Don’t stop them!  For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.’ And he put his hands on their heads and blessed them before he left.”  Matthew 19: 13-15.   

                        

The next morning we attended a general session with at least a thousand other Christian school teachers. A few other teachers from our school sat with me during the session. The keynote speaker gave his address and chose a scripture to quote.  He quoted the scripture found in Mark 1 concerning Jesus healing the man with leprosy.  I got choked up and started to cry.  So did Nancy (our Media Specialist at our school and my prayer partner) which was sitting next to me.  Just the night before, I had told them what I thought God was trying to tell me about Mom being healed.

 

On my break, I went to my hotel room, and called Aunt Julie (Mom’s sister).  She is a wonderful Christian woman.  I told her what was on my heart.  She said when she was in France she got some water from a river that flowed through France.  Thousands of people go there to hopefully get healed each year.  The legend says that Mary, mother of Jesus, was there and great healing happened among the children.  She told me she would send me some of the water.

**There will be more posts before part II is posted.

One thing after another

One thing after another was slowly being stripped away from Mom.  At first, Mom was having tingling going down her left arm.  Soon she could not move two fingers on her left hand.  She then loss all muscle control in her left arm, so it just hung there paralyzed.  Lauren made the comment to Mom that it was okay for her to only be able to hug with one arm.

U      Have you thought about getting a second opinion on the diagnosis from the doctor? (One doctor had the wrong diagnosis and wanted to do surgery on her hand.)  U  

Slowly the disease crept into her right arm.  She is right-handed, so she is still able to feed herself and do some chores.  Mom went to part-time work at the church where she had been secretary for more than twenty-five years.  She struggled starting the car because it was difficult for her to turn the key.  Her independence was first stripped away when she could not drive anymore.

The paralysis in her arm was such that she would struggle to eat.  I knew she was very independent, but I hated watching her struggle to get the food on her fork.  She did not like to ask for help nor did we know when to offer.  My sisters and I discussed letting Mom do things if she said she could do it even though she was struggling.  She would lower her head almost to the level of the table because she could barely lift the food to her mouth.  Soon she started asking for help to feed her and eventually she had to be totally dependent on us.  She would have to tell us what food she wanted to eat with the next bite and when she wanted something to drink.  A common sight was glasses of water with straws in it all over the house because she could not hold a glass anymore.

U   Can you discuss with your loved one the issue concerning when they would like you to help them?  U

The disease slowly started to take her legs and the muscles in her neck.  She has to wear a brace to hold her neck up or her head would just hang down.  Everything has to be done for her now.  She has to have someone physically get her out of bed in the mornings, dress her, brush her teeth, take her to the bathroom, and the hardest part was to brush her hair just the way she liked it.  I think after a billion times of doing it, I finally can do it right!!  She got her hair cut real short so we could better take care of it.

U  Is there a person you know whom could suggest equipment to aid your loved one?  (Mom had a friend that worked in rehab, and she would help Mom get the things she needed.)  U

Mom sleeps a lot now, and there is a lot of idle time because she can’t get up and down by herself.  People have been getting Mom books on tape so she can listen to them.  I bought Mom the tapes about Joni Eareckson Tada who became a quadriplegic after a diving accident.  Joni’s tapes speak about how God is always faithful.  I turned the tape on in the den for her to listen to, and she fell asleep.  Grandmother talked about getting the Bible on tape from her church for Mom.

One of the times I think was probably difficult for her was going to her office at work and taking all her belongings home because she can no longer work.  Dad, Lauren, Ashton, and I went with her to her office.  I went through the cabinets and helped get her final few items.  She told me she had already taken a lot of stuff home.  

U      If your loved one works, can you be supportive and help them pack their belongings from their office?  U

Not knowing

Ever since Mom has been diagnosed, she has not wanted to read up on the disease because she would rather not know.  She had a doctor’s visit coming up at the Mayo Clinic (they help diagnose and treat difficult medical problems) and did not want to go, but Dad made her.  These visits are very important because they can give her imformation about the necessary equipment she currently needs or will need in the future.

During one of these visits, Joann, and Jennifer went with her.  Jennifer was very helpful because she knew certain questions to ask and issues to bring up.  One of the things we wanted the doctor to bring up was Mom’s wishes as to whether or not she wanted to be placed on a ventilator and other medical issues.  They did not want to bring it up in front of Mom, so they made up an excuse to go to the bathroom while at the doctor’s office.  While the doctor was in the hall, they asked her to bring up the issues.  Someone had told Joann that you don’t want to bring certain issues up because the person will hold it against you.

U      Are there sensitive issues or questions you can get medical personnel to bring up?  U

Mom had a will but not a living will.  She told the doctor and my sisters she knew where she was going when she died (to Heaven) and did not want to be placed on a ventilator.  This is another difficult decision Mom had to make.  They even discussed issues about her being in a car wreck and whether or not she wanted medical help.  When we put her in the car, she would blow off wearing her seatbelt.  I don’t know if it is because she did not care if she died, or she thought it did not matter anymore.  It bothered me, and I would still make her wear it by strapping her in.  

I think she was headed in the direction of Do Not Resuscitate (DNR).  At the last visit, we wanted to ask how much time she had left to live.   At this point they told us six months to a year, but there was no guarantee.  Mom still does not know we are aware of the shorter time frame nor does she.

U      Does your loved one have a will and where is it located? U

U      Is the will updated to their current wishes? (I know of a lady whose father passed away from cancer.  He only lived six months after diagnoses.  He wanted to give his daughters money for their retirement.  One week he was fine, and the next week he was being air lifted to a hospital and put on a ventilator.  He never changed his will, and their step-mom got all the money.  Time is of essence because people do not know when their last day will be.)  U

Discussion of a few important terms is needed here.  A living will is a document that lists medical and life sustaining treatments the seriously ill or terminally ill person desires.

U   Does your loved one have a living will?   U

The executor of the will is the person that legally must follow the wishes of the deceased listed in the will and settles their estate.  They deal with issues such as paying taxes, settling debts, and distributing assets.

U      Who is the executor of the will and have they been explained their duty as to what they need to do when the loved one passes away?  U

Five Wishes is a living will that deals with issues such as:  the person they want to make decisions for them when they can’t make it for themselves, medical treatment, how they wish to be treated, and other important wishes.

U      Do you know their Five Wishes?  U

U      Has your loved one considered giving the gift of life by being an organ donor? (Some medical conditions will prevent organ donations but donation is still a possibility for other chronic medical conditions or diseases.)  U

U      Have they considered an advance directive or a durable power of attorney for health care?  U

An advance directive is a legal document that allows one to express their wishes if they are too hurt or ill to do so.  A durable power of attorney (DPA) for health care is a document that names the person to make health decisions if they are unable to do so.

U  Have you considered going to an attorney to find out what you need to know and what your rights are concerning a DPA for health care?  U 

Mom’s grave

One of the things I wanted to accomplish through visiting Mom was trying to get her out of the house.  On previous visits, I would ask her if she wanted me to push her in her wheelchair down to the boardwalk on the beach.  She always refused.  I thought to myself that if I did not get her to go, she may never see the beach again.  To me her house became the grave.  She would end up never going out of the house, living a life trapped inside condemned to die.

One day Dad pushed the envelope as he too noticed the same thing.  He was trying to get her to go out to lunch with some girlfriends.  She got mad and told him if he had felt like he had thrown up all night, he wouldn’t want to get out of the house either.  We all notice the effects of the disease on the outside of her body but have not thought of what is happening on the inside.  She’s usually very drained and does not have much energy.

Mom has to use a speakerphone because both of her arms are paralyzed and just hang from her body.  When someone calls, we punch the button for her and put the phone on her lap so she can talk.  One day a lady called her to ask her out for lunch.  She said politely she did not feel up to it and thanked her.  After I hung the phone up, she began to cry a faint cry as the disease is taking over the muscles in her throat.  I asked her what was the matter, and she said she hated feeling like that all the time.  I hugged her and tried not to cry.  She did not want to talk about it in anyway.  I gave her some encouraging words that came to my mind.  It was not going to get any better.

U   Are you being sensitive to how the disease makes them feel on the inside?  U

Christian brothers and sisters

Mom and Dad raised four girls, taking all of us to church.  They are still actively attending today.  When Mom got sick Christian brothers and sisters jumped in to help.  Tom, from their Sunday school class, coordinated people to cut their grass.

 

Every Monday someone from their Sunday school class brings them a meal.  Wednesday night they bring the church supper, and Thursday night another person brings them food as well.  On several occasions, when I was visiting Mom, someone would call and just ask her if they could bring some food.  The last time I visited, a lady knew how much Mom loved a particular restaurant’s seafood, so she went to the restaurant and brought her some.  Betty, a lady in Mom’s Sunday school class, schedules all the meals, and visits as well.  Mom told me a ninety year old man from the church loves to visit people, and he was coming over to visit her.  She even told me he took her to the doctor’s office one day.

 

U  Can you volunteer to take a friend or loved one to the doctor?  U

 

 

During my Sunday school class, I asked the class to pray for Mom and told them I felt the Lord was going to heal her.  I started to cry.  Someone came over to me and started to pray for me.  This is what Christ is all about, loving and serving one another.  I have seen this first hand from Christian brothers and sisters.

U      How are you using your God given talents, resources, abilities, and gifts to serve a friend or loved one?  U

U      Would you be willing to coordinate visits and meals for someone?  U

"Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone especially to our Christian brothers and sisters."   Galatians 6:10  

Not like this

By this time, Mom had really already given up because she was not even taking the medicines that would help slow down the disease.  Jamie told me she quit taking the medicines before we knew.  I remember her not taking her medicines was an issue one day.  She did not want to take them, and Dad said something to her.  Dad, in trying to get her to take the medicines, mentioned the grandchildren and her being around to see them.  She commented, “Not like this.”  This was hard for us to take.  It was one of the first decisions she made about how she wanted to handle her terminal illness.

U      Are you accepting the loved one’s decision with how they want to handle the fate of their terminal illness and eventually their death?  U