He’s preparing me again

I had my MRI late Friday, and I am waiting for the results.  I was given a shot of dye to enhance the images.  The tech told me if I had MS, “It would be lit up like a Christmas tree.”  Paul took the disc that contained the MRI to my doctor in Atlanta.  Now…..the waiting. 

The Lord was preparing me Sunday during church.  The church was celebrating paying off the loan as the church is debt free.  We sang a lot of praise and worship music….all of which ministered to me.  Tears streamed down my face, and I continually wiped them away.  Ashton was next to me, but I could not help it.  It was a very emotional time for me.  Each song was sung as if it were just for me.  The words were so meaningful.  Some of the lines from the songs I wrote in my Bible were: “Just when you think you have finally reached the end, there’s gonna be a victory like there’s never been.” “Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, oh, give Him the glory great things He hath done.”  “Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever.”  “Take my life and let it be for you Lord and for your glory.”  “Waiting here for you,……singing halleluiah.”  “Lift my eyes up – my help comes from the Lord.”  “I will not fear, His promise is true.”  “My God will come through always, always.”  Brother Bill referred to how He (the Lord) wants to use us, bless us, and touch the world through us.  I wrote in my Bible “HE is preparing me today – to be strong.”

Today, I have been very wobbly on my feet, and my head has not been right.  I came home and sat on the front porch and cried.  I knew what I had was not good whether cancer or MS.  I asked the Lord to help me be strong and not a wimp.

I got the results back and everything was clear.  My new doctor really could not do anything else for me from her side of medicine, so we went to my new local physician.  I set up an appointment with him, and he thought I might have tennis elbow.  We took a few x-rays and there seemed to be swelling at the tendons.  He then ordered the MRI, and it came back with tendonitis in two different tendons.  At least I know what is causing the pain.    

Oh, the little details

I took Grandmother’s charm bracelet and put Mom’s charms on it that Mom had engraved with my birthday.  I will pass the bracelet down to Lauren because it represents her grandmother and her great grandmother!!  I can’t wait to wear it!

U  Have you thought about making an inventory with a description of family treasures and whose they were? (I plan on doing this with possibly adding drawings of items).   U

I wanted to make sure my cousins did not mind, so I sent a message to one telling her I was going to keep it, and I hope no one would mind.  No, I did not have to do this even though their charms were on the bracelet.  One may think I should have never said anything, but I wanted a clear conscience.  I did what I thought was right.  They did not mind.

U Have you thought about how you think you will act when it comes to your loved one’s belongings?  (Little items are not probably going to be put in a will….should they?  At least Grandmother updated her will, and the big things were taken care of!)  U

Dad gave me two neat pennants the preachers brought by as they were visiting Grandmother.  The one I like the most is made with two nails in the shape of a cross.  I have already put it next to Mom’s pin near the visor in my car.  I will give the other one to Ashton to remember his grandmother by.

U If there are items you want certain people to have, can you do so in private because other members of the family will probably want the items too?! U

When gathering for a funeral, a lot of relatives from out-of-town will gather.

 U Have you thought about communicating with others about your plans before or after the funeral, so everyone can see each other?  U

A simple gathering such as a last minute meal with a few relatives may mean a lot to someone else!

Grandmother (part V)

****  Sorry I accidently left off the last paragraph of the poem read at my grandmother's memorial service.  I listed the paragraph first.

"Grandmothers truly know what it means to LOVE unconditionally.  They take such pride in watching us grow & in seeing us mature.  We see ourselves in them & they see their youth is us.  We’ll thank God for allowing our grandmother, Margaret Royal, to love, guide & influence us.”

 

The preacher wanted a big hat like the ones Grandmother would wear to be put at the front of the church next to her picture.  Her ashes were is a box covered with nice linen.  A big flower arrangement was at the front of the church as well.  The flowers were from Claudia and Dad and would be used in the church service Sunday.

A reception was held after the service with refreshments.  A lady mentioned as we walked in that the members would like a receiving line.  We tried quickly to have one, but we were not prepared, so many people did not know.  None the less, we pulled it together and met many people from her church, Dad’s church, and other people whom loved Grandmother.

Sunday my family went to Dad and Claudia’s church with Jamie and her family.  We then went to eat lunch.  I went over to Grandmother’s house because she wanted me to go through her clothes and get what I wanted.  She always talked about that.  I did not really want her clothes, but maybe a few things of hers that would have sentimental value.  I found a writing pen from her church, a Beanie Baby and purse for Lauren, two makeup compacts, a pair of earrings for one of my sisters, my cousin’s charms with their birthdays engraved on them, a few of her cushioned fancy hangers for myself and my sisters, and a few other small things.  I even found a card I had sent to her! 

I noticed the box of Grandmother’s ashes at Dad’s house and for some reason wanted to get the box out and hold it.  It was weird thinking I held in my hands all that was left of my grandmother.  The box was sealed tight, and I rocked the box back and forth listening to the sounds it made.  Don’t ask me why; I just did.

I told Dad he did a good job (with everything) and she (Grandmother) would have been proud.  As we were filling up at the gas station on the way home, I saw a few seagulls flying and thought I hope Grandmother was seeing angels flying around since she couldn’t see the seagulls.  

I prayed that night and told the Lord it would be great if He would let me peek into Heaven and see if she were there.  Then I could celebrate if she were and not be in sorrow.

Grandmother (part IV)

The memorial service was done well.  Joann told the “REMEMBERANCES OF THE FAMILY.”  She mentioned the Lord helped her with pulling it all together.  She wrote it in the form of a poem and included a lot of things all the girls had told her.  She did a great job.  I wouldn’t have been able to read it without crying!  Here is the poem she wrote:

“Grandmother’s Poem”

“While at Grandmother’s bedside,

Dad asked if I’d share today

Full of emotion, I didn’t think this possible,

But then remembered, with God NOTHING is impossible!!  (Phil 4:13)

Empty inside, words wouldn’t come

Traveling to work, K-LOVE (radio), my friend

4 King & Country’s, ‘Busted Heart’ lyrics did play

‘Hold on to Me’, ‘Hold on to Me’, my silent prayer became.

What began as adjectives:

Polished, classy, fashionable,

Precious, sweet & kind.

Caring, devoted, matriarch,

Independent, strong willed, determined…

Phrases & words finally came.

A grandmother’s love, who can fathom?

Love for her family – fierce like a bear

Love for pets (poodles were her fav) and her gardens too.

Advice on clothes, hair, nails, and manners too.

Wisdom from an immaculate, classy woman.

Stories of younger days,

Of modeling, and a Southern Bell too.

Many jobs and exciting interests were hers.

Career climbs, executive this & that

At OSHA she did wind.

                                                                                                            

Watching my siblings & I, a joy for her,

A yearly trip to Jekyll Mom & Dad (Jaycees convention) would go.

Fun, cooking, hygiene lessons,

Rearranging, redecorating,

Changing’ things’ & moving ‘stuff’;

a small price to pay, for the fun we all had!

Memories of her River House are fond for all –

Shrimp nets, glass balls, hanging beads, one big room

Floating dock, crabbin’, fishin’,

sting rays & snapping turtles caught.

Ledge jumping, swimming for hours,

Showers, nap time, then crabs to boil.

Land to roam, space for tag & childhood games

Rose gardens named for each one (of her grands).

Summertime, Yankees would come

Arrive in a big blue bus.

Hours of fun in the sun,

Later a shrimp boil she would host.

New experiences, included travel w/ Trayc,

Back when days were carefree

Simpler, trusting, two 13 year olds by poolside she could leave.

Dinners w/ gentlemen friends we’d all go

Trayc, GM & I what a trio we must have been!

When taking pictures, her glasses just HAD to go!

‘Wait!’  ‘How’s my hair?’  ‘My teeth?’

Her feet had to be placed ‘just so’ (she wanted the perfect pic!!).

Later in life, her wheelchair, her friend

No one! Nothing! Could keep her down!

When this her only transportation,

A trip to Winn Dixie she did go!

Calls to Dad others did make,

‘Check on your mother; she’s gotten away!’ J

Magnolia Manor w/ a fuss she did go

However, new friends & dinner companions,

Black shoes w/ rhinestones & eyebrows drawn, a MUST! (even if they were red!)

Bday 95, she thought it was 96!

No one could convenience her otherwise – why even try?

Last breath, eyes half open

Told to Mom & Jackie to go

Finally at rest, her work here done!

As a comfort for her loved ones

It may help to know…

She knew the end was near.

She told others she was ready to ‘go’.

Pastor Paul assures ‘her spiritual bags were packed’ &

‘Everything was in place.’

Now, we can have hope in our hearts & can smile at her memory

Until our time together again we can enjoy, I can hear her say…

‘Remember all I’ve taught’, ‘Stand up straight!’, ‘Do your best!’

‘I love you, Doll!’

Grandmother (part III)

We drove down to St. Simons Friday night.  Joann called and asked me what memories I had of Grandmother because she was putting together what she wanted to say.  Dad wanted her to speak during Grandmother’s memorial service.  The fond memories that came to my mind were of Grandmother’s house over the river.  We would go there frequently when I was young.  I remember fishing and catching a sting ray.  I have a love of crabbing which resulted from the many times we crabbed at her house.  Once I caught a snapping turtle in my crab net too! 

The more recent memories were of my kid’s playing cards with her.  They would play “Go Fish”, “War”, and other games.  They really looked forward to spending special time with her.

I got up early Saturday morning and went to the beach to take pictures.  I took a few while I was thinking of Grandmother.  It was hard to believe she was not here anymore.

Several ladies from Dad’s and Claudia’s church brought over food for the whole family Saturday for lunch.  Everyone was to be there at 12:00 p.m. because the memorial service was at 2:00 p.m.  I asked Claudia and Dad if they cared if I didn’t change into my dress yet for lunch.  They did not mind.  Dad said, “You have a dress?”

Once Jamie got there, she asked me if I was going to change before everyone got there.  She mentioned I would be the only one not dressed yet.  So……I decided to put on my dress and fix my hair before everyone arrived.  I was pulling out grey hairs in the bathroom as everyone arrived.  Taking after my mom!  Jane and Julie, Grandmother’s nieces came as well as Aunt Julie and Aunt Janet.  Kelli, Myra, and their children came also.

Grandmother (part II)

It’s Wednesday and Dad called.  He said she was not going to last much longer, and he asked me if I wanted to say something to her as he held the phone to her ear.  He said she would probably not hear me, but I wanted to talk to her anyway.  I told her thanks for being a wonderful grandmother, and she was a special person.  I told her Ashton, Lauren, and Paul thought the same thing.  Paul never really saw his grandparents because they lived so far away.  Two passed away when he was in high school or college; three before he was born.  She has been a grandmother to him as well.  I told her she needed Jesus because He was the most important person, and to ask Him into her heart.  I cried as I spoke to her.  These were the last words I would say to her.

Dad said if she passed away the plans were for the memorial service to be Saturday.  There will not be an open casket because she is going to be cremated right away.  She did not want people to see her that way.

I got a text message from my older sister Joann on January 5, 2012.  She mentioned Grandmother was finally at peace and no longer in pain and had passed away at 2:40 p.m.  The memorial service will be Saturday at 2:00 p.m. at her church on St. Simons.  A service will be held at the cemetery in Savannah in the upcoming weeks when it’s convenient for us and our cousins. 

I called Dad this night because I wanted to know if he wanted us to stay in a hotel.  I knew things would be hectic around the house, and I did not want to make things worse.  He wanted my family to stay at his house.  Dad was excited to see everyone.  He was very talkative about everything.  I was a little surprised.  I guess he was a little relieved because he had taken care of her finances, paid her bills, and lots of others things for years.  And most importantly, she was not suffering anymore.

Dad sent a follow up email before we left.  It stated, “Mother passed away peacefully today @ 2:40PM.  My Joann was hugging her at that moment.”  He also gave information about her memorial service and burial. 

Grandmother (part I)

 

Dad sent me an email yesterday stating Grandmother was referred to Hospice Friday.  A Hospice nurse is coming to assess her tomorrow.  Dad sent another brief email today.  The subject line said “mother.”  I paused before I opened it because I thought it was going to be bad news.  The brief email stated, “She is sinking fast!!  Horrible sight.  Dad.”  I called Dad today to see what was going on.  He said she had a bad day yesterday, and she was very restless. He has not seen her eyes opened all the way in three days.  She is not able to swallow, so they are giving her meds under her tongue.  They are making her comfortable.

Jamie went over to see Grandmother, and Grandmother opened her eyes briefly, but she did not know Jamie was there.  I told Dad I wanted to go down to see her.  He does not think she will recognize me or know I was there.  He said he thought I should just remember her the way I saw her last and not how she is now.

Grandmother is not ready to die because I still don’t think she knows Jesus!  Before I went to bed tonight, I cried.  I prayed, “Lord, I want her to meet you so bad because I don’t want her to go to hell.”  I have prayed for her salvation for so many years.  She is such a wonderful grandmother.  I prayed He would call her to Him.  I wish I could “do” something for her as far as her salvation, but I can’t.  She has to recognize her need for Him, and ask Him into her heart.  I prayed she would have a wakeful state, so she could do so.  I really did not know what to pray.  The Holy Spirit will do that for me.

In their shoes

Most of what I am going through or have gone through, I feel is for others to benefit.  I have said this before.  I thought about my current pain and my quest to find what is wrong with me.  I guess in a small way I can say I have walked in their shoes.  Walked in the shoes of the person who may have ALS or another disease; always having to deal with symptoms that are not fun to go through.  The long wait of not knowing until there is a diagnosis.  Then there is dealing with some doctors that just don’t care to take the time to help you.  The list goes on.  At least, I have drugs that will help me with my pain….not to mention the side effects.  I told Paul today he should use 409 to help grease the garage door chain…..I meant WD40!  I guess the bottom line is compassion.  When you know someone is going through an illness, show compassion.  Until we have walked in their shoes we really have no idea.

U Can you show compassion for people who have an illness, disability, or a disease?U

U Have you pondered what is like to walk in their shoes?  (We all should to be thankful for the little things in life.) U  

“My new doctor” (part II)

The doctor and I talked on the phone January 25, 2012.  She looked at the MRI and agreed with the other doctor that my left arm pain was not caused by the other issues with my neck.  She did not receive the other test results though and will ask for them.  I told her the steroid did not work, and I told her about the other symptoms I thought she needed to know about.  I wanted her to be aggressive with the diagnosis because our lease for the shop is up in a week.  I told her I did not want to sign a long term lease without knowing my diagnosis.  I also did not want to move to a new space and have to sign a long term lease as well.  She understood, and I asked her what the next step would be.

She said for me to call and get a MRI of my brain and spinal cord.  If I had MS, the lesions would be on both my brain and the spinal cord; she could as well look at the MRI to see what else could be wrong.  I asked her to request the old MRI of my brain in 2005.

Do I really want to know the results?  While things have not been fun to go through, and I have not enjoyed the pain, maybe the worst is yet to come.  Maybe I should “enjoy” where I am now.  I asked the Lord to help me enjoy the week I had in front of me even though I am not even promised tomorrow. 

I have noticed I have been agitated a lot last week. Lauren said I should check the side effects of the drugs I am taking.  Sure enough, agitation is the first severe side effect listed.  I will have to pray and ask the Lord to help me through this side effect.