Nathan's Funeral

The next day was the funeral. I prayed for grace, peace, and mercy for the family and people to come to know Christ during the funeral. It was neat to see all the people there. Nathan’s life had touched many people. There were a lot of students from several schools. Several pastors spoke, including the children’s, middle school, high school, and senior pastor. 

I did not know Nathan well, so my grief was different. My grief was for Shari and what she and her family were going through; it was real, nonetheless. It made me think of believers as the body of Christ.

 

“If one part suffers, all the parts suffer with it, and if one part is honored, all the parts are glad” (1 Corinthians 12:26, NLT).

The visitation (part II)

 

Shari and her husband were standing at the head of Nathan’s casket.

“Can you imagine if that were your son?” A lady behind me asked.

“No, I can’t.” 

As I approached Nathan's casket, I noticed he was wearing a trendy rubber bracelet imprinted with the words “CLASS OF 2013.”

I hugged Shari and gave her my condolences. 

“Thank you for the flowers.” 

“You are welcome.” 

“I think of you when I look at them.”

“I woke at four in the morning ... “ 

My throat clamped shut like a vice grip, and I couldn’t utter another word. I put my hands together to symbolize prayer, began crying, and finally expressed what I was trying to say.

  

“I stayed awake until 5:00 a.m.”

 

“I am glad because that was when I needed prayer.”

We’ve been in the same Sunday school class for over ten years and have endured many rough times. I hugged her husband and spoke to him.

“I have something for you,” he said.

He reached in his pocket and pulled out a mint. We laughed because I brought mints to Sunday school to share.

Uncle Jim’s funeral (part V)

The burial took place the morning before the memorial service, and we intentionally we arrived early. 

“We are the first ones here,” Lauren said. 

“I wanted to arrive first so we could put the flowers out before they came.” 

I am glad we came early, as an unsightly blue tarp covered the hole, with bricks around its corners. I removed it and replaced it with beautiful white flowers.

When the family arrived, I got the urn out. 

“Do you want me to put the urn in the hole or set it at the top of the hole?” I asked Kimberly.

“I haven’t thought about it.” 

I placed the urn in the hole and would get it out if Aunt June wanted. 

“No one is crying,” Kimberly said.

“I'm trying to be strong for y'all.” 

“I've been crying a lot.” 

It's okay for you to feel that way. You need to express your emotions.” 

Kimberly placed a gorgeous wreath made of magnolia leaves by the small hole in the ground. The service was simple—the way Uncle Jim would have wanted. His family loved to sing, so of course, we sang. Each person had the opportunity to toss dirt in the hole or use the shovel to cover the urn. His grandson helped fill the hole, too. After the service, we went into the fellowship hall, where coffee and hot chocolate were available to warm us on a cold day.

After the burial, we visited Uncle Jim's sister's old house. A ginormous magnolia tree towered in the front yard where both young and old kids climbed its branches. Since no one currently occupied the home, the owners allowed us to visit inside. Several family members shared fond childhood memories of visiting her home and climbing her tree.

The members of their church prepared a wonderful meal for the family before the memorial service. The service itself was exceptional—it celebrated Uncle Jim's life. Music filled the air, and there was aa opportunity for people to stand and share a story about him. After the funeral, the reception took place in the fellowship hall. A video displayed photos of Jim, along with a clip of him singing in a quartet.

U How can you be a servant to those in need?  U 

U  What small details can you think of to help the grieving family?  U 

  U Have you considered how to minister to the grieving family?  U 

Uncle Jim’s funeral (part IV)

We discussed the details at the funeral home. Evelyn brought a list of notes my father-in-law, Tom, had written to include in the obituary. 

Tom is a veteran who served as a tank commander in Korea. He loves and esteems all people, whether they were janitors or held lofty positions. He answers to Papa by the grands.

Uncle Jim’s family decided to conduct the graveside funeral themselves in Ila, Georgia, with only family and close friends in attendance. Tom will dig a small hole for the urn the day before. 

The memorial service will take place at his church after the burial, followed by a reception for friends in the fellowship hall. Instead of bringing flowers, people can donate to his church, Chapelwood United Methodist Church. 

I am unsure whether to give flowers or donate to the church, as they requested. Kimberly wanted all white flowers, so I got a lovely bouquet to take to the burial site before anyone arrived. It will be nice for the family to see flowers when they arrive. 

We went to Evelyn's for dinner, and I took the flowers for everyone to enjoy.

Grandmother (part V)

Grandmother’s large hat rested by her photo, and a pretty linen covered her box of ashes. Claudia and Dad's large flower arrangement decorated the front of the church. The flowers would remain for Sunday’s church service.

Church members held a reception after the service and decided to have a receiving line. Although we weren't prepared for one, we organized everyone and met many people from her church, Dad’s church, and others who loved Grandmother. 

Grandmother wanted me to go through her clothes and get what I wanted, so I went to her house. I didn’t want her clothes but wanted a few sentimental items. I found a writing pen from her church, a Beanie Baby and purse for Lauren, two makeup compacts, a pair of earrings for my sissy, her charm bracelet with my charm and my cousins with our birthdays engraved on them, a few of her cushioned hangers for myself and my sisters, and a few other small items. I also found a card I sent her. 

Grandmother's boxed ashes were sitting on the kitchen table at Dad's house—I wanted to hold them. 

I am holding all that is left of Grandmother. What a strange thought.

I gently rocked it like a ship in a storm, listening to the sounds it made. I don't really know why I did this.

You did a good job, and Grandmother would have been proud,” I told Dad.

On the drive home, we stopped for gas and noticed seagulls flying around the parking lot. 

 I hope Grandmother sees angels flying since she can’t see the seagulls. 

Tonight, I prayed, “Lord, it would be great if You would let me peek into Heaven to see if Grandmother was there. I could celebrate and not be in sorrow.”

It could be the other way around.

I must give it to the Lord, releasing the burden from my heart, and not dwell on it. I can’t do anything now—I did all I was supposed to do.

Grandmother (part II)

Dad called Wednesday and said she was not going to last much longer. 

“Do you want to say something to her? I will hold the phone to her ear. She will probably not hear you.” 

“I still want to talk to her anyway.”

“Thank you for being a wonderful . . . grandmother and a special person. Ashton, Lauren, and Paul think the same thing. You need Jesus because He is the most important person—you need to ask Him into her heart,” I said as my words turned to crying.

These are the last words I would say to her.

Paul hadn’t seen his grandparents much because they lived far away. Two of his grandparents died when he was in high school or college, and three died before he was born. Fortunately, he had mine. 

I received a text from Joann on January 5, 2012. She wrote, “Grandmother is finally at peace and no longer in pain. She passed away at 2:40 p.m. The memorial service will be on Saturday at 2:00 p.m. at her church on St. Simons. Her service will be at the cemetery in Savannah in the upcoming weeks when it is convenient for our cousins and us.”

There will not an open casket because Grandmother was cremated—she didn’t want people to see her that way.

I called Dad to see if he wanted us to stay at a hotel. Things would be hectic around his house, and I did not want to make it worse.

“I want your family to stay here.”

He was talkative, which surprised me a little, and he was excited to see everyone. He might have felt relieved after managing Grandmother’s finances and many other things for years. 

A rainbow in the sky (part I)

 

I have a few thoughts I wanted to write down, and I could not think of a title for what I had to say.  Tonight, I was sitting on my front porch and noticed the sun setting on the trees.  The sun seemed to be setting in a different place, so I got up to check it out.  I walked out of my driveway and looked in the sky all around my house.  How fitting that I saw a beautiful, tall, rainbow in the sky with a partial, double rainbow next to it.  I went inside to tell Lauren and Ashton.  Lauren wanted me to get the video camera, so I did.  As I gazed in the sky, I said, “God keeps His promises.”  He has kept His promises from the very beginning of time, and in His word He said He would never leave us nor forsake us.  He was with Mom and my family every step of the way.

Grandma Freddie passed away a few weeks ago, and we went to her funeral.  It was a graveside funeral.  During the funeral, I heard wind chimes from another gravesite.  The chimes reminded me of Mom.  After the service, Dad came up to me and started to speak but couldn’t because he was choked up.  He said something about the chimes and Mom.  He said, “Your mom was here.”  I told him I was thinking the same thing.

After the service, a lady came up to me and said, “You look exactly like your mother.”  “You are so beautiful.”  She said my hair was like Mom’s too.  I was taken back by her comments and had to gather myself before I said, “Thank you.”  She told me she was a high school friend of Moms. 

After the funeral, Lauren, Ashton, and I went back to St. Simons to visit Dad for a week.  I helped Dad clean out a lot of things he needed to get rid of such as clothes, ties, and shoes that were out of style.  Mom kept a closet full of baby toys and toys for the grandkids.  She spoiled them to death!!  I got rid of a lot of the toys and made room for Dad’s things because that closet would be his.  Claudia would put her stuff in the other closet.

I reflected for a while when I was in the room where Mom died.  The phases replayed, the motions and emotions revisited.  I lay down in the position Mom was laying when she died and thought about the gates of Heaven opening up, and the angels escorting Mom to Heaven.  What a thought!  Ashton and I both took turns sleeping with Mom’s stuffed bunny.

As we were cleaning out stuff around the house, we came across an angel bear.  Ashton said he had given the bear to Granny.  Jennifer told Ashton since he had given the bear to her, he should keep it.  He was thrilled.  He told me, “Sleeping with the bear reminds me of sleeping with Granny.”  Mom would usually lay down with them at night, and she would usually fall asleep.   

Brennan

Besides Mom passing away and me not getting to coach my volleyball team, Jamie’s baby was delivered ten weeks early and died.  She went to the hospital, and they tried to stop her contractions.  She was sent to a hospital in Savannah because they could not stop the contractions, and if she had the baby early, this hospital had a great neonatal facility.  After they did an extensive ultrasound on the baby, the doctors noticed a large mass that filled up his whole lung.  They gave the baby about a five percent chance to live.  The doctor’s said if she did not deliver the baby the baby would die inside of her.  They decided for Jamie to have a c-section the next day.

I did not want Jamie to worry about calling the funeral home and all the details if he passed away, so I called and got all the information she needed to know.  Brennan was born the next day and weighed four pounds five ounces.  The doctors tried to incubate him, but they were not successful.  He never took a breath, but his heart beat for a few hours.  Everyone that was there was able to hold him.  Christopher Brennan Wiles went to be with the Lord, June 17^th, 2004, the same day he was born.  I thought about Mom being there to greet him in Heaven.  She probably did not share him very much when he first got there.

U  If you have a son or daughter with a terminal illness, have you talked to them about Jesus, and do they know Him as their personal Lord and Savior?  U

U  Have you talked with them about Heaven and for them not to be afraid?  U

 

I called my grandparents to let them know.  I called Grandma Freddie and Granddad (Dad’s father), Grandmother, and Nana.

I did not get to see Brennan but was heading down to St. Simons the next day anyway because it was my twenty year high school reunion.  On the way to St. Simons, Paul and I stopped in Savannah and visited with Jamie and Chris in the hospital.  Jamie was sitting there in Mom’s nightgown.  She had all the scars of having a baby because she had a c-section, but there was not a baby to cuddle.  She got teary eyed when I walked in as each person that walked in would remind her of why they were there.  I brought with me two baby blankets of Ashton’s because Brennan would be wrapped in a blanket when he was buried.  I told her she could use one of them if she wanted to, and she would not hurt my feelings if she did not want to use it.

 

I asked her if she minded if I see him at the funeral home, and she said that was okay. They decided to bury Brennan at the feet of Mom’s grave.  The funeral would be Tuesday.

Sunday night I called Grandmother and told her I was going the next morning to see Brennan at the funeral home.  I asked her if she wanted to go.  She needed to think about it and when I called her back later, she decided to go.  I met her at the funeral home, and we went into the room to see Brennan.  He was lying in an eighteen inch coffin, and he had a cute white outfit on with a white hat on his head.  Tucked under his arm was a stuffed animal one of Jamie’s friends got for him.  He was precious.  Jamie had decided on a beautiful, white blanket to have him wrapped in.

U  Can you offer to give a special stuffed animal or blanket?  U

I looked at him just like I did Mom and knew he was in Heaven with her.  I took a few pictures because I did not know if Jamie would want them.  I cried and before I left, I kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him in Heaven one day and to wait for me.

The funeral was Tuesday and was difficult especially after just having to bury Mom in March.  The funeral was to start at 10:00 a.m. and nearly twenty-five minutes later, Grandmother was still not there.  We started the funeral without her.  At the end of the funeral, Uncle Johnny pulled up with Grandmother in the car.  She was distraught because she had missed the funeral.  They got lost.  I tried to get her to calm down and told her at least she got there.  She was thanking me for asking her to go to the funeral home to see Brennan since she did not make the funeral.  She asked if anyone filmed the funeral, and I told her no.  When I asked Jamie if she wanted me to tape the funeral, she shook her head no.

I ended up staying the whole week instead of staying for just the weekend.  I went over to Jamie’s house and helped her around the house.  I gave her house a good spring cleaning.

U  Are there things as simple as housework you can do for someone?  U

Dad was planning on going on a mission trip to Panama.  He decided not to go because he would have missed the funeral.  He made a comment to one of my sisters about dealing with this kind of stuff was for Momma.  There will be plenty more times he will have to take Mom’s place.

Her funeral (part III)

I drove Dad over to Jin Right’s for lunch.  All the family members were supposed to eat there.  Lurlyne and Alice, two of Mom’s good friends who have faithfully ministered to Mom, helped Dad pay for the meal.  We got all the cousins together and took pictures outside the restaurant.

Dad said, “Where is my ride?”  I then took him to the gravesite.  Dad really started opening up and talking on the ride there.  We parked very close to where Pops was buried.  Pops was Nana’s second husband.  Mom’s dad died when she was a teen. 

I set up the video camera at the gravesite as well.  The service was short, and I sat in the front row with Dad.  I don’t really remember what the preacher said during the service.  The pallbearers all came by and hugged us as they walked past.  We took a few pictures then walked away, so we would not get in their way of finishing up.  We went over to Pops’ grave and put an arrangement of flowers on his grave.  Ashton wanted to go back and see what they were doing at Mom’s gravesite.  He and Lauren went back and watched until they had to leave to get out of the way.  I sent them back again when they were finished with everything and found Ashton sitting in a chair just looking at everything going on.  I noticed there was some dirt in the corner markers of the gravesite, so I began to brush it out.  Ashton joined in helping.

They had put the flowers Nana sent and laid them over the gravesite.  Grandmother had sent flowers arranged like a pillow since Mom had given her pillows.  Mom always asked Grandmother to fix her pillows.

Aunt Janet pulled me to the side at the cemetery and talked to me.  I can’t really remember exactly what she said, but it was something to the extent that she thought I would have been the one there when Mom passed away.  It was a neat conversation.  Aunt Julie basically said the same thing to me over the phone when she found out Mom had passed away.

Dad told me on the way down to look at the other grave markers to see one we liked.  He did not want Mom’s to stand out.  We walked around for a little bit.  Right before we left, we took some more pictures.

Dad wanted to go by Dairy Queen to get some ice cream.  He treated us all.

When we got home, the funeral home had already brought all the flowers and plants to the house, and they were all lined up under the porch.  I wanted to make sure there weren’t any new ones, so we would not forget to write thank you notes.  As we got there, a van pulled up and delivered a flowered plant from Prince Avenue Christian School which is where I teach.  The Patton’s, our friends in our Sunday school class, had sent some flowers that were sent to the gravesite.

That night, we had all the cousins from Ohio, the Anderson’s (Joann’s mother and father-in-law), Grandmother, Uncle Johnny, Little Johnny and his family, and Evelyn come over for dinner.  The Meadow’s, from Mom and Dad’s church, had fried some chicken and we got out everything already in the refrigerator.  Dad stayed in his office most of the time because it was too loud, and there was too much commotion going on.

U Are you taking into consideration there may be over stimulation in the house?  U

I felt like I took over Mom’s job.  I was getting everyone’s name on their cup, filling the cups with ice, and asking everyone what they wanted to drink etc.  I was busting my butt because for the first time, the things Mom normally did were now left for someone else to do.  I thought a lot about how Mom was such a servant and never ate until everyone else was served.

U  How can you serve others in the role your loved one used to serve?  U

Later on that night, I thought about how selfish I was to actually feel sorry for myself because no one else was helping me serve everyone supper.  I have learned so much about myself in the last couple of weeks. 

Dad even called me Elaine the day she died.  He had said a cuss word, and I got onto him about it.  I guess Mom also corrected him.  After I corrected him he said, “Elaine.”