Her funeral (part I)

I had asked each one of my kids if they wanted to see Granny at the funeral home before they buried her.  I told them she would have makeup on, and she would look pretty.  They both said they did.

We all had the jewelry Mom had left for us.  Lauren and I wore a necklace of Moms, and Ashton had a silver cross in his pocket.

The family met early, and we went into the chapel to see her.  I stood by Lauren and Ashton as they looked into the casket.  I told them they could say anything to her or hug her if they wanted, but she was not there.  Lauren kissed her, but I forgot to mention to her that she would be cold.  She kissed her and pulled back a little, but did not say anything.  I said to Mom, “I love you Granny.”  I wish I had said, “I love you Mom.”  They gathered the family in a separate room and started seating people.

Aunt Julie came up to me and said Ashton wanted to go back to see her one more time.  It was almost a quarter till and that was when they were going to close the casket.  I walked with him quickly past all the people in the rear of the chapel.  It was crowded because there were no more seats, and they were starting to get out chairs.  Ashton and I walked down the aisle as everyone was already seated.  We walked up to the casket once again.  He hugged her and kissed her on the edge of her hair.  I told him to kiss her there.  I did not want him to see she was cold.  I told her, “I love you Mom.”  I am glad I got a chance to say that.  The hardest part was walking back down the aisle in front of all those people.  People were standing in the vestibule because there weren’t enough seats.

U Are you keenly listening to the wishes of the children/grandchildren?  (They may not get another chance.)  U

 U Have you prepared the children/grandchildren by reminding them to kiss their deceased loved one on the hair?  U

When we got back to where the family was gathered, Jim was there.  He said a prayer, and then we were ushered into the chapel.  I wanted an audiotape of the funeral service and asked them to do that for me, but I also wanted a videotape of the service as well.  Dad happened to have a tripod in the attic, and I had it set up before the service began. 

The viewing

 

My sisters and I went to the funeral home early, so we could get all of the pictures arranged.  When we first got there we discussed whether we wanted to see Mom first or to do the pictures.  I agreed I wanted to do the pictures first, but as I thought about it….I wanted to see Mom.  I wanted to be alone with her and talk with her.  I talked with the people at the funeral home, and they kind of wanted for us to wait until Dad got there.  Then I think they wanted me to not go in alone.  I told them that was what I wanted.

I walked up to the casket and saw her.  She looked beautiful.  It had been a long time since I had seen her all dressed up and with makeup on.  The last time was on Valentine’s Day weekend.  I enjoyed spending time alone with her.  As I leaned over her, a tear fell from my eye onto her dress.  Even though she could not hear me, I had a conversation with her.  I told her how she was a great mom.

Her Bible was laying opened on the casket to the 23^rd Psalm,

“The Lord is my shepherd;

   I shall lack nothing.

  He makes me lie down in

   green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet

   waters,

  he restores my soul.

He guides me in paths of

   righteousness

  for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk

  through the valley of the

   shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

  for you are with me;

your rod and your staff,

  they comfort me.

You prepare a table before

   me

  in the presence of my

   enemies.

You anoint my head with

   oil;

  my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love

   will follow me

  all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house

   of the Lord

  forever.”  

There was a spray of flowers on her casket.  Mom did not want the flowers that way.  She wanted five single roses all gathered together.  One stood for each daughter and one for Dad.  We added a few other flowers to it.  One different colored rose for each grandchild and a tiny bud which represented her grandchild that was not born yet.  We asked the florist to fix the flowers, and when they brought the flowers back, they were bundled together with a pretty white ribbon.  Dad was still not satisfied, so Aunt Julie told me we should take them into the next room and fix them.  I asked Dad how he wanted them, and he said he wanted them in layers.  We fixed them how I thought he wanted them, and he said, “That is how your mother would have wanted them.”

Dad wanted us to have a receiving line at the viewing.  The line of people that came in seemed like it would never end.  We saw people we had not seen in years.  It was good to meet all of Dad’s friends, and to see so many people that loved Mom and my family.  The hardest people to greet were Brenda and Angie.  Tears came to my eyes when I greeted them.  Several times I bit the inside of my mouth, so I would not cry.  A lady came by and said, “Your smile looks just like your Mom’s…..so keep smiling.”  As the other people came by, I shook their hand and taking my left hand, cradled the back of their hand.  I don’t know why I did that, but I wanted to.  I was very strong during the viewing, several times reminding people she was not suffering anymore, and she was with Jesus in Heaven.  It was not a mournful time for me.  I greatly anticipated Mom’s funeral, because I wanted my loved ones and everyone else in attendance to hear the gospel presentation.

Before we left that night, I wanted to see her one more time.  Joann and I saw one of the employees that worked there.  He said we could go back in there.  We both spent a few minutes with her, and then he tucked her in by tucking the lining in around her.  He said he called it, “Tucking her in.”

Pictures

 

Wednesday we went through Mom’s pictures and decided which ones we wanted to put on the board at the viewing.  Earlier, Dad had noticed one in particular and said, “That’s the girl I dated.”  As I was looking through some old papers Mom saved for us, I found an old St. Patrick’s Day card Dad had sent Mom when they were dating.  I thought the card was appropriate to put out to show since her viewing was on St. Patrick’s Day.

My mother-in-law, Evelyn, came down from Athens to go to the funeral.  She brought me a dress and several other things I needed from my house.  When she pulled up, I noticed a bouquet of cookies from my shop.  The cookies were different animal shapes and were hand decorated with different colored icings.  She had brought them down for all of the grandkids.  We took a picture, and the kids enjoyed picking out their favorite cookie.

U Can you minister to the children/grandchildren of the loved one in some way to help brighten their day?  U

The “unsaved”

I was excited about Mom’s funeral and actually told Joann that.  There are a lot of people in my family that I am not sure of their salvation.  I was excited they may for the first time hear the gospel presentation and become saved.  If that were the case, Mom would have thought her death was all worthwhile.  I prayed for them because I wanted nothing more than to see all of my family members in Heaven.

 

 U  Are there loved ones you can be praying for concerning their salvation?  U

 

A lot of our family from out of town came down for the funeral.  Several cousins who live in Ohio drove down.  We don’t get to see them very often, so it was nice to be able to spend time with them.  They were a big help in the kitchen helping clean up after we fed a lot of people. 

Tuesday Morning

 

I enjoyed getting up Monday morning and going to see the sunrise before anyone got up.  I think Tuesday morning I had a headache that got me up.  So, I decided to drive down to the beach again.  It was a cloudy day, so I couldn’t see the sunrise.  I was using this downtime to sort out my feelings. 

I guess the reason I was so strong the first few days was because I was numb.  I was just running through the motions of everything going on, and there was not much downtime.  I could also feel the prayers of others.  That was probably the reason I was able to be so strong.

U  Is there someone you can pray for to help carry them through?  U

Jennifer was going to come down Monday.  Joann was not going to be able to be down until Tuesday night, so a lot of decisions had to be made without two of my sisters here.

Tuesday morning, Jim Smith and the associate pastor, Andy Lamon came over to the house to discuss the funeral service.  Again, I did not really know what to expect because this was the first time I had to do this.  The conversations we had were memorable, and at one point I broke down and cried.  The point that I cried was when I talked to them about the gospel being presented at the funeral.  I said, “Mom would want it that way.”  Immediately, I thought about the index card Mom had typed for each of us.  I quietly got up and went into the other room and got the cards.  I was going to wait until all my sisters were here before I gave them their card.  I thought it was appropriate the preachers read the card in hopes they would read it during the funeral.

U  Is there one last way you can honor your loved one by sharing the gospel at their funeral?  U

We reminisced about Mom.  How our friends really enjoyed being at our house as we were growing up.  That Mom would play jokes on preachers who would give her a hard time.  She threw water balloons at them.  Dad told us about Mom being a great swimmer.  I did not know that.  He mentioned about her being a good basketball player.  He told them they met on a blind date.

We told them Mom loved the dollar store and would always have a little toy to give the grandkids when they came down.  We also told them she would send the grandkids letters in the mail with a dollar bill inside and how they would get very excited.

They asked questions about when Mom was saved and her personal growth in the Lord.  Dad said he could really tell a difference in her walk with the Lord when she did, “A Walk to Emmaus.”  It was an intense spiritual weekend that many people can’t even begin to put into words because it is such an amazing experience.   Dad also said the group that went with her would get together, and he could also tell a difference in her when she got back.  They also asked us when Mom did her devotions, and I chuckled.  We told them she did her devotion when she was soaking in the tub.  I remember all the time walking into the bathroom when she was soaking in the tub, and she would be reading her devotion.

We talked about her job as a secretary at the Presbyterian Church for more than twenty-five years, and her dedication to her own church.  We also talked about Mom never complaining about what she was going through or never questioning why.

The dress

   

Aunt Julie brought a dress she was supposed to wear in her daughter’s wedding and never used it because they did not get married.  She told us about the dress and said we could use it.  She had spent several hundred dollars on the dress, and it wouldn’t fit her anymore.

 
Aunt Julie was already on her way to see Mom.  She would be here on Monday and Mom passes away Sunday.  I talked with her on the phone, and she told me she had the dress with her.  She said the Lord gave her a dream that she would not see Mom alive before she got there. 

Jamie did not particularly like the dress.  We went through Mom’s dresses and could not find one that was suitable.  Jamie liked a bright red dress, but to me it was too flashy as though Mom were going to a party.  We decided to look at the dresses they had at the funeral home.  On the way to the funeral home, I thought of the dress she wore in Joann’s wedding.  We went back to the house and could not find it.

Jamie and I both picked out a dress we liked at the funeral home.  The one she picked out looked like a Sunday dress, the one I picked out was a simple ivory dress with long sleeves.  Dad made the final decision.  He chose the one Aunt Julie brought down.  Nana liked it as well.  It sort of had a pale blue tint.  It had a jacket with large silver studded buttons with fancy sequins on it.  We decided to bury her with the last cross necklace she wore.  It was silver and had opaque square stones in it.

 

U   Is there a particular outfit your loved one wants to be buried in, and is it described in the will?  U

The “pine box”

Jamie, Dad, and I all went to the funeral home.  One of the things Mom is being buried in a pine box.  The discussion of the “pine box” came up.  We thought her interpretation of the “pine box” meant for us to get something cheap because she was not going to “be there.”  The coffin we saw was great, only to find out the coffin was just to be used as a rental for people who wanted to be cremated and their body to be viewed in the casket.  We saw a pine box, but it was not what we thought Mom meant.  We ended up getting a coffin which was cheaper than the “pine box.”

Final arrangements

Dad had temporarily come up with the arrangements for Mom’s funeral.  Everything was all written out.  She wanted her Bible opened on her coffin to the 23^rd Psalm and wanted the song, “What a Day That Will Be,” sung during the funeral.  She had listed who she wanted as her pallbearers and wanted five long stem roses laid on her coffin which stood for the four girls and Dad.  She did not want the funeral to be held at her church because she did not want us to think about her funeral as we went to church.  Mom also did not want people to send flowers.  She wanted the money to be given to the youth of the United Methodist Church who could not afford to go to summer camp.

U  Is there an organization that friends and family could give money towards in lieu of flowers?  U

Dad decided to have the viewing from 6:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. at the Edo Miller & Sons Funeral Home on Wednesday, March 17^th, 2004, which was St. Patrick’s Day.  The funeral service would be Thursday, March 18^th, 2004 at 10:00 a.m. in the chapel of the funeral home.  The interment would be at 2:00 p.m. at Beard’s Creek Primitive Baptist Church Cemetery.

U  Are the loved one’s final wishes written down in a will such as:  the funeral arrangements, funeral service, songs, pallbearers, flowers, and other wishes? (I know of a lady that was diagnosed with cancer, and she did not write down her wishes.  She still had hope and did not want to talk about it.  She passed away with her husband not knowing what her wishes were for her funeral.)  U

U  If the loved one is the head of the household, have they laid out everything concerning important information to make it less stressful for others?

  (i.e. insurances, benefits, bills, debts, accounts, social security information, investments, combinations to safes and deposit boxes, or other financial and real estate investments.)    U

Mom’s jewelry

Well before Mom got sick, she had us all decide what we wanted to have of theirs after she and Dad passed away.  We drew straws to decide who got certain things.  After we had finished, Mom had labeled all her jewelry with who would get each piece.  Monday morning before we went to the funeral home, I got out her jewelry and started gathering it together for each sister.  As we were talking about the jewelry, Dad took off his wedding ring and told us to do with it what we should.  It broke my heart as I stood there holding Dad’s wedding ring in my hand.  Later on, I talked with Dad and told him sometimes people wait until they take their ring off.  He said it was fine.  That evening, I told him where it was if he changed his mind.

It rained that night, and I remember thinking this was the first rain since Mom had passed away.  To me this had some significance for some reason.  I guess it was because she was not there to experience it. 

U   Does the will state who will get the loved one’s treasured possessions?  U