Get ‘er done (part I)

Dad sent the four girls an email tonight telling us he got his results back from the biopsy of his prostate.  One out of the nine samples came back positive.  On a scale of one to ten, his was a seven.  “For those not familiar with diagnostic methods, when a man is diagnosed with prostate cancer a needle biopsy procedure can often indicate how fast-growing the cancer is.  This rate of growth is given a number between 1 and 10 and is referred to as the ‘Gleason’ score or the ‘Gleason scale rating.’  1 on the Gleason scale indicates the slowest-growing type of prostate cancer and 10 indicates the fastest-growing type.  Typical prostate cancer Gleason ratings might be 3, 4, or 5.  Ratings of 7, 8, 9 or 10 are considered aggressive.”  He said he was getting a bone scan and CT scan Friday.  He mentioned it looks like surgery or some sort of radiation treatment.

First of all, I was trying to process the news and what exactly it meant before I talked to Dad.  I researched “prostate” and immediately it hit me, this was cancer.  Then my next thought was “survival rate.”  After I thought I had enough information, I called Dad.

I debated on whether or not to email him back or call.  I knew Dad did not like to open up and talk, but I thought emailing him back was so impersonal, especially concerning the topic.  I prayed before I called him because I did not want to say the wrong thing.  One of the biggest things I think I have learned though everything I have been though is the impact of words.  Words can encourage or destroy someone in a flash.  Most of the time, hurt feelings occur when the words are not thought about before they are spoken.  They are just blurted out without much preparation or thought of how the person receiving those words will hear them.  But, once said they cannot be taken back.  

I asked Dad a few questions.  He said he was going to deal with what he was dealt, and he would know the results on Monday.  As we talked, I did not want for there to be silence on my part.  I did not really know what to say.  Should I say, “I am praying for you?”  To me, that would show the need for urgency to pray at this particular point.

A billion things have run through my head tonight.  I thought about my kids, and how I don’t want them to know yet.  It is way too early, and there is still so much to find out.  I thought about Claudia.  I thought about me.  These last six years have been so extremely hard on me, and it is not going to get any better.  I take comfort in knowing God is still in control, and I have so much more to learn.

       U  Have you taken the time to pray before you speak about sensitive issues? U

U  Should you call or reply back to an email concerning someone’s prognosis? U

 

“What Men Need To Know about Prostate Cancer and PSA.” www.outsmartyourcancer.com/pdf/ProstateArticleForSite.pdf

“Say”

I am sitting here tonight with raw emotions.  Again, I thought of something I had never thought of before.  I would have loved for Mom to tell me how much she loved me before she passed away and rejoice with her when she said she would see me again.  I would have loved to hear Mom say how proud she was of me with my teaching career, and the impact I had on my students.  But, those words would have been too hard for her to say.  She did not want to talk about her feelings, nor did she know when she was going to die.  So, she did not know when to say these things to me.

Saying all these things would be too painful to discuss, but the benefit, the legacy, one would be leaving for their loved ones would outweigh the pain.  I think it would bring a sense of love and peace.

The song that has meant so much to me in the last several months is Say by John Mayer.  It makes me think of Mom.   There is not an official video or lyrics on his website, but I hope you will look them up.  His song was in the movie The Bucket List in 2007.

Everything

The song that has been ministering to me lately is “Everything” by Lifehouse.  You can go to their website to view the lyrics here.  I wish there was an official video. 

Right now, I have been struggling with my lack of purpose.  I need to live up to the words of the song, and find my purpose in Him and not anything else.

U  Are you letting the Lord be your purpose and your everything?  U

The death of my teaching career (part II)

I have had about twelve dreams concerning me teaching or coaching.  The dreams are very strange.  The dreams vary from me teaching at the old schools I used to teach or others schools wanting me to teach for them.  I guess it is my brain processing everything out.

I have my moments, and I know it will get easier.  Not teaching, in a way, is like a death to me; the death of my teaching career.  I am pretty sure I will never teach again, and I have joked around about being retired at forty-two.  The bottom line I have to keep focusing on is this is the Lord’s will for my life.  The kids and ministering to them is what I am going to miss the most.  I can’t see into the future, but know God is good, and He loves me very much.

My only human rationale I can think of for me not teaching is so my book can be published.  I have time in the mornings to work on my book, and I have been trying to find the right agent the Lord wants to take on this book.  The people this book will touch will be my new ministry because their lives will be changed for the better.  A lot of people will be brought into eternity because of it.

Right now, I have sent my manuscript to a man I don’t even know whose mother is dying.  I know the book will help him tremendously.  I have been praying for him and his family as he reads the manuscript.

U  What may the Lord be asking you to give up that means everything to you?  U

U  Can you lay down what you love at His feet, and trust that He is in control?  U

The death of my teaching career (part I)

Since 1989, I have been teaching physical education.  Most of my teaching career has been in Christian schools.  I have found purpose and a sense of accomplishment in my job because of the lives I know I have touched forever.  The Lord has always very specifically put me exactly where He wanted me to teach, and I knew I was where He wanted me to be.

While I taught, I knew I was there to help the students to better themselves instead of me being there just to teach physical education.  I was also there to give the students an ear to listen to their personal problems and concerns whether it would be about parents or friends.   The kids would come into my office frequently to get the boost of self-assurance they were looking for, or the sense of belonging they needed.

In April, I had a meeting with the high school principal and the interim headmaster.  I knew before I went into the meeting, “I did not have a job.”  It was kind of common sense, considering who I was meeting with.  I had asked to teach part-time, so I could run my shop during the day.   But they needed my job to be full time for next year.  I knew I could not teach full time because for two months I did that when our chef was leaving, and it was too much for me to handle.

So there I sat.  I had already prayed and mentally prepared myself so I would be strong.  They were sorry and did not want me to leave, but I did not have any another choice.  I went to the shop right after the meeting and sat in the parking lot and cried.

It still is very, very, hard, and it is September.  The other day, I watched the teachers outside the school building.  They were helping kids get into their cars.  It made me sad because I wanted to be there.  I had to pray about not being jealous.  The school is a very special place to teach, and I can’t be a part of it anymore.

When Daddy is Gone

When Dad dies, the house will belong to the four girls.   To help Claudia, he put in his will that she gets to stay in the house for as long as she wants.  I think this is the right decision.  Some of the foggy areas will be when there are major repairs to be made to the house, or who should pay the taxes.  Dad said some things are POD “Payable on Death” to Claudia, and some things will be POD to the four girls.

U  Are the loved one’s children being financially taken care of if they were dependent on the loved one’s financial support? (I know of a divorced man who was tragically killed.  His new wife received all the support from the community.  His grown daughter had been receiving financial aid from her father, yet no one was helping her.)  U

U  Are there family traditions you can help a friend or family member with since the loved one has passed away? (This same man’s son would put up the Christmas tree with his dad.  After his dad’s death, the son did not want to continue this tradition without his dad.  The son also wanted to hang lights on the house, but his dad did not want to.  A family friend found out and surprised the son by decorating the family tree and put lights on the outside of the house.  When he saw the decorations, he just stood there looking at the lights.  He was in awe!)  U     

The one issue I will not have to worry about is Daddy’s belongings.  Things, they are just what they are, things.  But when they belonged to your loved one, they become more than just things.  The belongings become the only things one has left of the loved one except memories.  Every once in a while, I will hold Mom’s painting and rub it where she signed her name.  I will smell the gloves she wore last to smell her scent.  I even kiss her picture in the frame.  These things bring me some satisfaction and bring her closer to me.

U  If the loved one passes away, can you be thoughtful and share his/her belongings? (The belongings are just as important to other family members as they are to you.) U 

No Regrets

 

My employee’s father is dying of cancer. As of September 2007, the doctors have given him six months to live. It’s ten months later. We’d talked about whether she would work in the fall.

     All of my employees were college students. We live in Athens, Georgia, so most of them wanted to attend the University of Georgia football games, but they knew they would have to miss a few games for work.

     This girl’s dying father wanted her to go to all the games because he’d bought them season tickets. Going to the games was their time to spend together. I wanted her to have no regrets. I didn’t want her to look back and regret having to work when she could have been spending these moments with her dad.

     She’d decided to move out of her parent’s house and had to pay her expenses. Maybe her parents would let her put off work for a while.

 

     I remembered I wanted to see Mom whenever I could.

U  What can you do to help someone have no regrets?  U 

U Are you making decisions that will cause you regrets? U 

You just don’t get it?

Dad sent an email stating if we were interested, he had made plans for family to meet at a local restaurant after the funeral.  I knew my cousins from Ohio were probably going to be there, and it would be nice to spend time with my family.  Ashton had a baseball game that night, and I was trying to mention the right words to Paul about me wanting to go to the restaurant.  When I asked him, he seemed bothered by the question.  He walked out of the room and then said we would have to leave by 2:30.  I later said to him, “You just don’t get it.”  I left and went to sit outside.  He later came up to me and asked if he was being insensitive.

People who have not gone through several deaths of close family members may not understand (or have not thought about) the importance of spending time with family over “trivial” events in life such as little league baseball games.  We talked to Ashton, and he said he did not mind missing a few games.  Paul said he would leave it up to me.  

At first I was planning to leave at 2:30, then once we got there and as time went by, I figured out everyone would finish getting there as we needed to leave.  We decided to stay.  All of my cousins did fly down from Ohio as did my uncle.  A lot of relatives were there, and it was good to see everyone.  I baked some cookies for everyone to eat, and they were a great hit.  I am glad we decided to stay.

In talking with Paul concerning this subject, he told me guys tend to compartmentalize their feelings.  Guys in general tend to place emotional situations into a bucket and place it back in storage.  They then get it out little bits at a time until they have to deal with them.  Daily events and structured events help guys deal with emotional stress.  Often what is taken as insensitive is a guy’s way of dealing with the situation. 

U  In knowing that women deal with death differently than men, are you making sure there is open communication and he is voicing how he feels? U   

A lesson for me to learn (part II)

This morning on the way to church, my cell phone rang.  It was Dad.  I knew right away it was not good news.  Dad called to tell me Granddad passed away this morning.  Dad stated that he was in Heaven and with Grandma Freddie.  I told him he couldn’t know that for sure.  As of the last time I talked to him he was going to Hell.  Not comforting words for a grieving person that just lost their loved one.  His salvation lately has encompassed me, and I blurted out the words without even thinking about Dad’s feelings.  Yes, it was what I was thinking, but not what needed to be said.  I don’t know even sitting here, what I should have said.  I guess, I can ask Brother Bill how he normally replies when the person’s salvation is unknown.

Yes Granddad could have within the last few weeks had a personal encounter with the Lord.  The Lord could have personally spoken to him or something that was said before could have finally sunk in.  God could have used my dream to speak to Granddad too.  Or when the Chaplin came by, he could have led him to the Lord.  I hope I can find that out, or the Lord will reveal it to me.

U  If the loved one’s salvation is unclear, are you being careful with your words making sure you are being considerate of the other person’s feelings?  (Everyone wants to think their loved one may be in Heaven even if they may not be.  This should press us even more to witness to our loved ones.)  U

I talked to one of the preachers at my church this past week.  He made the suggestion I could have said to Dad that I hoped Granddad made that decision.  He mentioned focusing on the living and the opened doors my granddad’s death had created such as conversations in leading others to Christ.

U  What open doors have been created for you to witness to a loved one?  U

A lesson for me to learn (part I)

For quite some time now, Joann and I have made a conscious effort to witness to Granddad.  Joann sent him 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN, hoping he would see his need for Jesus.  This past Christmas, I sent him a tract.  On several occasions, I tried specifically to witness to him.  The Evangelism Explosion class I took taught me how to witness.  So one time I even took my Evangelism Explosion note cards into his room to aid me as I witnessed to him.  I hid the cards on my legs, so he could not see them!    

When I went to see him a few weeks ago, I told him I had a dream about him.  He said, “Did I die?”  I told him no.  I told him in my dream I saw a white figure and he (Granddad) was in the distance.  I don’t know if the figure was God, Jesus, or an angel.  The figure said two distinct things:  “Experience Christ for yourself.”  “Do you know Him?”  The reason I remembered these questions so vividly is because I was awoken from the dream nodding my head yes to the question the figure asked.  When I woke up, I did not want to forget the things he said, so I wrote them down.  I don’t know the purpose of the dream but finished relaying it to Granddad.  I did not witness to him this time but told him a lot of people were praying for him and something to the effect that he needed Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior.

Dad called last Sunday to let us know Granddad was not eating and drinking much at all, and Hospice was helping out.  Granddad was being kept comfortable and was being given Morphine for the pain.  Dad did not think Granddad would live but a few more days.  I told him I was sorry. 

I wanted to drive down Monday after work to see him again.  Paul said, “I know why you want to see him again.”  He knew I wanted to witness to him again.  But we both knew it was futile.  With Granddad being on Morphine, he would not be in the right state of mind.   The Lord was going to have to do a miracle.

I asked the teachers at school to please pray for my granddad’s salvation.  Tuesday after I asked the teacher’s to pray, two teachers came up to me and asked if they could pray with me right then.  I said sure.  Over and over, the theme in the prayer was for the Lord to call him one more time.

I really wanted to visit Granddad after church on Sunday.  I knew Ashton had baseball practice at 5:30.  The schedule would be tight, but these things are trivial especially because my granddad is dying, and I’m not sure of his salvation.  Paul emailed Ashton’s coach and told him he would be late for practice.

U  What “trivial” activities can be delayed or cancelled so visits can be made to see the loved one?  U

U  What are you doing to help insure your loved one’s salvation?  U

 

Piper, Don. 90 MINUTES IN HEAVEN.  Grand Rapids:  Fleming H. Revell, 2004. 26, 31.