Her last tear (part II)

By then a lot of Mom and Dad’s closest friends had come over.  I walked back into the room where she was and two of her best friends were sitting on the adjacent bed.  They were talking about Mom for a while.  Several other friends came by, as well as their preacher, Jim Smith.  We all circled around Mom and said a prayer.  One of the ladies said she was, “perfectly healed.”  I asked the Lord to heal her, and today she is singing and praising Jesus with a perfect body.  Another lady said, “I can’t believe that she’s finished all that she was here to do.”

U  Can you be there to comfort a friend?  (I thought it was special for Dad’s closest friends to be there for him right after Mom passed away.)  U

U  Friends, can you put yourself in their shoes?  If you were in their shoes, what would you want your friends to do:  to stay at an arms distance and give you a little space, call to check up on you, bring you meals, or come by and visit you?  (Everyone is different.)  Could you ask them which one of these they need?  Can you make it verbal somehow that you are there for them?  Can you still include them in your plans?  U

U  If your loved one passed away can you communicate to your friends what you need?  How do they know how to act unless they have been through the same thing? (You may say you need a little time and you will call them.   Communication is important; no one should assume anything.)  U

I went back into the den, and Dad was sitting in between two of his friends on the couch.  He openly wept again.  He was crying once again about me being alone when Mom passed away.  I sat down next to him, and he put his arm around me.  I again assured him I wanted to be there when she passed away.

By then, Angie came to the house.  She pronounced her dead at 3:00 pm.  I saw that time on the death certificate and told her it was wrong because it was 2:30 pm.  She said that was the time she assessed her and determined her death.  She hugged me, and she said it was so unexpected.  I asked her if the Morphine had anything to do with her dying, and she said no.  She said she thought I would ask that question.  She had already looked at the medicines, and there was not much gone.  She mentioned some patients needed a lot more and more frequently.  She had to count and destroy the leftover drugs.  Lurlyne, one of Mom’s friends, witnessed that for me. 

Angie asked if I cared if she laid Mom’s bed down flat, and I told her no.  We were fixing the pillows under Mom’s head, and her head plopped down to the side.  Out of habit I said, “Sorry Mom.”  Then I felt a little silly because she was dead.  Everything still had not sunk in yet.  I thought I heard Mom talking as I passed by one of the rooms and again remembered she was not there.  The pillowcase on her bed had the words, “Home Sweet Home,” written on it.  Angie pulled the sheet up to Mom’s chest and folded her hands over her body.  She tried to hold Mom’s chin shut so her mouth would not be open.

Dad’s friends brought Lauren and Ashton to the house.  There were a lot of people at the house, and the first thing Ashton asked was why there were so many people.  I took them out to the back patio and sat them down.  I told them the reason there were so many people there is because Granny passed away.  Ashton did not know what that meant so, I told him Granny died, and she was with Jesus in Heaven.  They both cried.  I told them if they wanted to, they could both go see her.  Ashton hopped up and wanted to see her right away.  Lauren was not ready yet.  I told them they could kiss her, hug her, and tell her anything they wanted to, but she was not there.

U   Are you giving your children/grandchildren the choice to view their deceased loved one?  U

I walked them back to the room where she was.  They both visited with her for a while.  Lauren was ready to leave, but Ashton was not.  I walked Lauren out of the room and told someone to take care of her.  When I went back into the room, Ashton was pouring his heart out to her.  I wish I could remember what he said.  It was precious.  One of the comments Lauren said was, “At least we don’t have to worry about how loud we are.”

U  Are you taking into consideration the differences of each child’s sensitivity concerning the death of their loved one?  U

Grandmother walked over to the house.  She had her walker with her, and I helped her through the kitchen.  She asked if someone was going to go back with her, and I told her I was.  She sat down in the chair next to Mom and wanted to be alone with her, so I left.            

Angie said it would take forty-five minutes to an hour for the funeral home to get there and asked if anyone else was coming by to see her before they came.  Paul had gotten there meanwhile.  I did not want the kids to see when they came to get her.  He took them to do something away from the house.  Everyone had gotten there to see her.  Joann and Jennifer lived too far away so Angie called the funeral home.

Her last tear (part I)

I noticed after she had passed away, a tear in her left eye.  I touched her tear and kissed it.  I can’t remember what I said as I was doing that.  That would be the last tear she would ever have again.  There are no tears in Heaven.  She looked peaceful as if there was a faint smile on her face.

The same squirrel came back to the window and peeked his head into the window.  It was if to say he knew Mom had passed away.  I think the Lord had that squirrel come back again.

I called Nana back and told her the reason I had to call her back was because Mom had passed away, and I was trying to help her.  She cried.  I talked with her awhile.  I told Nana that she was with Jesus in Heaven and not suffering anymore.  I was strong when I was talking with her and wanted her to tell me anything she wanted to say.  Nana talked about how she was such a sweet girl.

I called Jamie, and she said she would be right there.  I then called Jennifer and told her the news.  She wept bitterly on the phone.  Jamie arrived, and we wept together.  Then Dad came into the room.  I have never in my life seen Dad cry.  He sat down in the chair next to her, rubbed her arm and said, “Oh, baby,” (that I can remember).  He openly lamented and cried out loud over her death.  I whispered to Jamie for us to be strong for Dad.  He started to cry again and this time it was because he did not want me to be there alone when she passed.  I told him I wanted to be there.

Dad had dropped Lauren and Ashton off at a friend’s house before he came home.  I had to decide what I wanted to do with them.  Whether I wanted them to see Mom how she was or wait to see if they wanted to see her at the funeral home.  I was going to wait until Paul got to the house before I told him she passed away, but I needed to know what to do with the kids.  I called him and told him Mom passed away and asked him what he thought about the kids seeing Mom.  I told him I thought they should see her because it would bring closure.  They had seen her before they left and something to the effect that they should see her before she is taken to the funeral home.  He agreed.  I told them to bring the kids over.  I was very thankful the kids were not there as she passed away.  It was stressful enough for me.  It would have been overwhelming for them.  God’s timing is good.

2:30 p.m.

I then looked at the clock; it was 2:30 p.m.  Mom was not taking any more breaths.  I turned on the BIPAP machine, and put the mask to her face but it did not work because Mom was not breathing in the air.  She lay there with her mouth open, and she was still.  I felt for a pulse, and there was none.  I remember looking at her neck earlier as she was taking her last breaths and could not remember if I saw her pulse.  I knew she was dead.  I openly wept and lamented greatly.  I had wanted to be there when Mom passed away.  I kissed her just as I had been kissing her a lot that day.  I said something to the effect that she was with Jesus and was not suffering anymore.  I remember looking at her and smiling because I knew she was in Heaven.  I thought it was very fitting the Lord took her to Heaven when she no longer had a voice to tell us how to help her, and it was Sunday.

U   Can you praise the God who gives and takes away?  U

Home alone

There was a fair in town, and Dad had mentioned something about taking the kids.  Jamie said Dad wanted to get out in the garden.  He said he would take them to the fair, and he wanted to work in the garden when he got home.  After Dad left, Mom and I were home alone.  I found Charles Stanley preaching a sermon on TV and left the channel there.  He was preaching on God’s will.

 

A friend of mine I went to high school with called.  We talked for a long while.  I did not talk quietly because I thought Mom was deeply asleep. 

 

As I was watching TV, I heard a gurgling noise come from Mom and directed my attention towards her.  Mom had been breathing through her mouth recently, and each time she took a breath, her tongue would move forward and back with each breath.  I then noticed the number of times her tongue moved decreased greatly.  I knew she was taking her final breaths.  I had just spoken to Dad since I had been home about Mom and her decision not to be resuscitated.  Dad also told me if Mom stopped breathing, not to call 911, to call the Hospice number.

U  Has the caregiver been given instructions on what to do or who to call if the loved one stops breathing or has a heart attack etc.?  U 

The last time I saw her lift her eyebrows

I needed a break at this time and needed to eat some lunch. Dad said he would go get me some lunch. I told him I needed to go get it. I told Mom I was going to go get lunch and Dad would be there, but she did not want me to leave. Dad said, “Elaine, Judy needs a break.” She lifted her eyebrows as to say “yes.” I was not gone long. I went to the grocery store and got my lunch at the drive through. When I got back home, she was asleep. Dad showed me the pad we had been writing on when we administered her medicines. I read he gave her the regular medicine at noon. I ate my lunch then continued to sit by Mom’s side.

U Are there small things you can sacrifice so you can be there when your loved one really needs you? U

Sunday morning

I told Dad I did not want Mom to be on Morphine because I did not want her to be all doped up during the day, but Mom was really struggling to breathe this morning. Jennifer called to ask me whether she should come down or not. She did not know when to come, and I did not know what to tell her. I told her Mom was not doing well, and I did not really know how to do the medicines. I was talking in a normal tone because I knew Mom could not hear us.

I do remember standing there with Jamie asking her if she thought Mom would make it through the week.  We just did not know what to expect.  It had not even been a week since Hospice was involved, and they had not really had an opportunity to see Mom when she was struggling.  So we did not have a time frame to go by.

That morning a squirrel was eating on the window seal again outside her window.  The squirrel sat up on his back two legs and put his front two paws on the window.  The squirrel was looking inside at us.  It was so cute.  I told Mom to look at the squirrel and that he was looking at us.  I just know the Lord had the squirrel do that for us.  I told Mom that Nana and Julie were coming up to see her tomorrow.  She lifted her eyebrows to acknowledge what I had said. 

Mom’s voice diminished almost completely, and I had to put my ear to her lips to hear her speak.  I know it was frustrating.  I told her I was trying and apologized.  She started communicating through lifting her eyebrows to answer yes.

The most frustrating time is when she had us sit her up in bed and lean her completely over her legs.  Her face would be on top of her knees and I could not see her facial expressions to understand what she wanted.  A couple of times she would shake her head.

Mom tried several times to get a sip out of the straw but could not manage because she was struggling to breathe.  Several times she would just spit on herself and not tell me she needed the cup.  I told her not to do that, and I would get the cup for her.  Dad had pointed out how her eyes were bulged out near her eyeballs.

A few couples from her Sunday school class came by to have Sunday school with her.  Joan came in the room to see Mom while everyone else waited to come in.  She came in and greeted Mom and began to love on her.  She rubbed her feet and legs.  Mom said, “That feels good.”

I think Joan asked Mom if she wanted the rest of the group to just come in and pray for her instead of doing a Sunday school lesson.  Mom raised her eyebrows.  The rest of the Sunday school class came in, gathered around her in a circle, and held hands.  There was a long silence, not long enough that I think Mom would have noticed.  The man trying to pray was crying.  He managed to pull himself together and prayed.  A few other times his voice cracked.  As he was praying, I noticed Mom was struggling, and she gave me a look to let me know she needed some help.  I sat Mom up to help her breathe better.  I tried not to cry when they were praying and quietly wiped the tears away, so Mom would not see me cry.  A lot of people were crying.  I saw Dad in the hall, and it appeared like he was wiping a tear away.  I don’t know how long they stayed or what they said because I stayed by Mom’s side.

U  Are you asking your loved one whether they are up to having company?  U

U   Have the visitors been updated with the loved one’s current condition and the visual/physical changes they may notice?  U

U  Can the visitors emotionally handle the visit so it is a positive experience for the loved one?  U

I told Dad I thought she needed some Morphine because she was really struggling to breathe.  We had given her the regular medicine at 8:05 a.m., but it just was not helping.  After talking with Dad about it, I asked Mom if she would like some stronger medicine to make her feel better and she said, “Yes.”  At 10:15 a.m. we gave her some Morphine to help her.  

                                         

“Breathe for me”

We stayed up late this night because Angie was going to come by.  It was after 9:00 p.m. before she got there.  Mom had been resting on the couch for a couple of hours.  She had already decided to get a catheter, so that was the first thing we addressed when Angie got there.  We got her settled and in bed for the night.  Meanwhile, Jackie called and asked how Mom was doing.  I filled her in on all the details, and I told her I would ask Angie how long she thought she had left to live.  When I asked Angie, she of course did not have a definite answer.  The answer I remember receiving was a few weeks to a couple of months.  Jackie wanted to know because she was getting ready to go out of town. 

That night, Dad and I decided to give Mom some Morphine so she could rest better.  This night is very foggy so I can’t remember all the details.  I remember calling Angie at 2:00 a.m. asking about the Morphine.  She told me I could call her anytime, that this was part of her job.  She even told me she would come over for a couple of hours to watch Mom when she was struggling to breathe so she could better assess her.  She told me to call back four hours later regardless of how she was doing.  I set my alarm and called her back at 6:00 a.m.  The Morphine helped a lot and she only woke up a few times during the night.

U  Are you asking your health care provider for current assessments of your loved one to make sure they are not suffering and to make the best decisions for them if they can no longer make them for themselves?  U

U  Can you ask the doctors, nurses, hospital staff to be honest with you if they know the loved one is about to die? (A lady told me a friend was in the hospital, and the doctors knew the man was going to die because of his injuries, but they never told his wife.  She was very angry at the doctors because there were so many things she would have said to him.)  U

I told Mom to say “Judy” when she needed me so I knew she was talking to me.  Several times she did so with a loud enough voice to wake me up.  Sometimes, I would just wake up on my own and look up to check on her; she would also talk in her sleep and wake me up.  I would pop my head up and look at her waiting to see if she would say anything.  Usually she did not say anything, so I knew she was talking in her sleep.  I think one time she called my name, and I waited to see if she would say anything else and she did not.

There was one time Mom woke me up and said a comment to me that I will always remember for the rest of my life.  She was struggling to breathe and said, “Breathe for me.”  I said, “Mom I can’t do that.”  I remember several times asking Mom what I could do to make it better.  She always had something for me to try.  A couple of times she answered, “I don’t know.”

The last time she smiled

Lifting Mom up and down and getting her in and out of the wheelchair started to take a toll on my back.  It was a strain to move her.  My back started to hurt almost every time I helped her.  One time in an effort to help her, I passed gas.  I probably laughed it off.  Another time I went to lift her, I told her, “Maybe I won’t pass gas.”  She smiled.

**I used this photo because it looks like it has a smiley face on it.

“What are you telling them?”

Several times I would talk with Lauren and Ashton about being quiet because either Mom or Dad was trying to take a nap, and they needed to be quiet.  At least two times I talked with one of my kids at the entrance of Mom’s door.  Both times she asked me, “What are you telling them?”  She was constantly worried about things and people around her.  She asked me if I had eaten one night, and I told her I did and to not worry about me.  One time the closet door was open and she said, “Close the closet door.”

**Photo of my kids at Lake Junaluska when they were young.  Our family has been going there every year for over 30 years.

“Don’t touch me”

Mom said this to me a lot of times.  Someone told me there was a disease she may also have where they cannot stand to be touched.  When I would lean her over with her legs hanging off the side of the bed, she did not want me to touch her.  She would tip over if I did not hold her up.  Another time, I had my hand on her shoulder praying for her when I thought she was asleep.  But, she was not asleep and said, “Don’t touch me.”  I would pick up her arms and legs and move them around like Angie told me.  One time I was rubbing her hands because they were blue and again she would say, “Don’t touch me.”

One thing she enjoyed was having her hair brushed.  One time she asked me to brush her hair for her, and she said, “That feels good.”

U  Can you offer to do small things that would bring your loved one some comfort?  U

U  Are you realizing how hard it is on your loved one if they are experiencing the same thing, because they want to be touched, and they also know their loved ones want to touch them?  (Mom may even have sucked it up and let us touch her at times even though it bothered her.)  U