“I knew it would be hard” (part I)

The day started out very difficult.  I had a dream about Mom again, and it was right before I woke up.  The dream was so real it was as though it just happened.  I cried thinking about it.  In my dream, I went into a public restroom and first noticed a man from our church’s choir standing inside the ladies restroom.  I was surprised to see him there.  I spoke to him; he said he was waiting on his wife.  I put down my belongings on a shelf and proceeded in. 

As I was walking towards the restroom, I passed Mom.  Mom had her hair longer, like the way she wore it before she was sick.  She walked past me, and when she was about to leave the restroom, she suddenly stopped and turned around.  Mom held up some Neosporin and said, “Do you need any of this?”  I just stared at her.  I could not believe I was seeing her.  She walked toward me.  I looked to her left, and she was standing there as well.  Mom on the left was the “old Mom.”  The last Mom I had; the one who had short hair like when she was sick.  I was dumbfounded.  I did not know what to think.  There before me stood Mom before she was sick, and Mom when she was sick.  Mom turned toward herself and adjusted some sort of mouth appliance, when she did this, it caused pain to Mom.  Seeing that Mom was in pain, I said to Mom that she was hurting her. 

Then I awoke.  I was fully awake now.  I laid there pondering the dream and cried.  It was almost time to get out of the bed, and I snuggled with Paul for a while.

“I knew it would be hard,” were words I heard Mom say while she was sleeping a few days before she passed away.  I knew this week was going to be hard for me.  I have been praying for this week for a while.  I have asked the teachers at school to pray as well as my classes with older students.  I was actually feeling strong about facing the week and all it entailed.  I was ready.  I would go to Mom’s gravesite this week, meet Claudia, sleep in the same room where Mom died, and be at Dad’s house on the anniversary of her death.  Then I had the dream, and it kind of threw me off balance.  I told Nancy about my dream and started to cry, so I made her cry.  She told me maybe it was the Lord telling me everything is all right, and to show me Mom is still with me in spirit.

February 28th (my birthday)

I read last night’s devotion the day before my birthday.  It was just what I needed to hear.  It spoke of the Lord showing me sympathy, acknowledging my hurts, and weeping with me.

In a way, I was not looking forward to my birthday.  There would be another one of those firsts for me to go through…..my first birthday without Mom here to tell me happy birthday.  I tried to be tough and protect myself and wondered if I would make it through without breaking down.

The day started out great.  My seventh grade class wanted to have a party for me and brought food to p.e. class.  I was greeted by several enthusiastic students that were very excited it was my birthday.  One student brought a cookie cake with thirty-nine candles on it plus one candle to grow on.  We lit the candles, and they sang happy birthday.  I had not had a cake with corresponding candles on it since Mom probably got me one.  They helped the day get off to a good start.

I came home and as I was looking for something, I ran across Mom’s letters she wrote me while I was in college.  I read through each one.  Since I am not going to get a birthday card from her, it was nice to reflect back on words she once wrote.

I got a sweet birthday card from Jennifer which made me cry.  The one thing she added in the card that really got to me was, “Wish I could give you a HUGE hug.”  All my sisters have already had their birthdays without Mom, and she knew just what to say to help me get through mine. 

Besides my usual birthday card, Paul gave me another card.  We were getting ready go out to dinner, so I had to keep myself from crying.  The card had a cute little bear on the front holding a puzzle piece.  On the front it stated, “Believe in yourself…..”  The next part had the bear sitting on the floor putting a puzzle together.  It then said, “…and everything else…”  The inside of the card stated, “…will fall into place.”  Paul added, “Most of all sweets, I wanted you to know how proud and impressed by your dedication and trust in the Lord during this spiritual journey you are on.  I have really gained an enormous appreciation for you during this time of healing and recovery.  I have never really thought about how often you have to re-live your Mom’s life and death.  When I did, I gained a new appreciation for you as a person, daughter, Mom, and wife.  I love you, Paul.” 

I went with my family out to dinner and got to pick my favorite restaurant.  The decision was a no brainer.  My whole family knows my favorite restaurant.  After dinner we did a few errands, then came home and watched TV.  Joann, Mike, Megan, Madison, and even their dog sang “Happy Birthday” on the phone.  She said, “It’s not the same as it used to be.”  I agreed and knew what she meant without her having to elaborate.  When I checked my phone messages, Jamie and Kaitlin had called.  They sang me “Happy Birthday” as well.  I stayed up late adding this chapter to my book.  I never got to talk to Dad.  He may have called while we were out, but he did not leave a message.

Mom would have left a message, but I did not have higher expectations on Dad.  Mom was a crazy fanatic, and she would make Dad get on the phone with her and say happy birthday.  Sometimes she would call real early, so she would not miss me.  One time I remember I was still in bed.

I prayed Jesus would touch Mom’s face, look her in the eyes, and tell her I love her and miss her.  In that prayer, I mentioned I knew she would tell me happy birthday if she were here.  I also prayed He would tell her about my book.

The song that rings out lately and especially today is, “Take You Back,” by Jeremy Camp.   The video doesn't quite depict the message as it has meaning to me.  Listen to the words and let them minister to you:) 

Yesterday, I prayed for the Lord to show me some light.  When I walked outside, there were snow flurries in the air, and the sun was shining in the distance. 

American Greetings, Boomerang Bear, Cleveland.

Camp, Jeremy. “Take You Back.” Restored. BEC Recordings, Seattle. 2004.

“Mother Hen”

Jennifer called me “Mother Hen,” because I kind of took over Mom’s role.  I also felt the same way.  I jokingly told Jennifer I was going to take off Mom’s wedding band because it was as if Mom left some “omen” with me wearing her ring.   We laughed.

I’ll take on the role of being “Mother Hen.”  Mom’s shoes are a big pair of shoes to fill.  I am doing so many things for Dad that Mom would have done, and I feel like a “Mother Hen” to Dad at times.

Even though we may be grown, we still need the security of a mother figure to help us figure everything out.  Mom was always there to smooth everything over.  She’s not here now, and it’s not easy.

There are so many times things have happened in my life and I thought about calling Mom, then I remember she is dead, so I can’t call her.  She was always there for us, just a phone call away.  Life was so easy when Mom was here.  Life is so complicated without her here.  If she were just here…….

This heart of mine (part II)

Jamie called me yesterday, February 20^th, to prepare me for Dad’s phone call.  She told me Dad was only dating one person now; her name is Claudia.  She was the lady in the picture on Dad’s chest-of-drawers and the lady that went on the cruise.  I was glad Jamie called.  She said Dad wanted us to know before we (my sisters) came into town because he wanted us to meet her.  I told Jamie it would be less abrasive if I met her at lunch and not at the house.

I am going down to St. Simons for spring break.  The last time I went to St. Simons for spring break, Mom passed away.  It is even going to be more difficult because I will be there March 14^th, the day Mom passed away, and I am going to meet Claudia.  It will probably take me three weeks to mentally prepare myself.  The tears fell like rain last night.  Why does this have to be so hard?  To me, it is almost like another death, it is like grieving all over again.  It is so painful.  I remember looking at Mom’s picture a long time ago when I found out Dad was dating and said, “I’m sorry Mom.”  It is so personal.  I guess it has been harder on me because I have had to deal with Mom’s death almost every day as I have written and edited this book for a year.  I have not been able to separate myself from the book…….from the past.  The Lord also makes each person differently, and I have had a harder time dealing with it than my sisters.

 

I talked to Jennifer on the phone yesterday.  I told her the only thing I will ask Dad is if Claudia has asked Jesus to be her personal Lord and Savior.  The Bible says we are not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. 

U  Are you praying for the future spouse of your loved one that they would be a believer?  U

Next month will be a year since Mom has passed away.  I know everything will eventually be okay for me.  Just the shock and reality of him dating will take time to heal and mend.  It is going to be another hurt to overcome.  I know I would want to remarry and to move on with my life if Paul passed away.  Dad has had to go through the emotions of processing everything out such as accepting her death, moving forward with his life, and looking to the future.  I have not gone through all these processes yet.  I know the Lord will continue to help me heal and mend this heart of mine.

The one song that keeps comforting me during this period of time is, “He Will Carry Me,” by Mark Schultz.  As I was reading the words for the first time today, it did not surprise me he wrote the words, “Can mend this heart of mine.”  I felt I had the Lord’s help in coming up with a title for this chapter and was confirmed for the millionth time.  Mark wrote in the jacket cover of his CD, “This song was not originally going to be on this record.  It was meant for another project but I never forgot about it because I listened to it one night about a year ago over and over and over again when I had been so discouraged.  I was holding on to it like a life raft in a storm in the middle of the ocean.  This is a clear picture of what God will do if you call out to Him.”  This should be confirmation to Mark that the Lord had a reason why he wanted this song on this album.  If not for anyone else, it was just what I needed, when I needed it. ( I encourage you to look up the words of the song!)

Last night, the scripture I read in my devotion stated, “And the God of all grace, who called you in his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered for a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” (NIV, 1 Peter 5.10)  This scripture comforted me as I struggled to ask God to help me let go and move forward.  I gave Him everything: Mom, her death, Dad, the future, and my book.  The things I don’t understand, I am going to have to trust in Him.

U  Are you giving your loved one up unto the Lord?  U

Shultz, Mark.  “He Will Carry Me.”  Mark Schultz, Stories & Songs. Word
        Entertainment LLC, Nashville. 2003.    

This heart of mine (part I)

I debated about putting this chapter in because I wanted to “mask” this situation.  This is the most sensitive topic I think I have written about.  I did not want to hurt Dad’s feelings, but I wanted to prepare you with all that may lie ahead of you.  Hopefully, this book has helped you prepare for these situations, so they will not be a surprise to you.

This past Christmas, my sisters and I talked about Dad dating.  It was late, and we were all in the kitchen except for Jamie; she was at home.  Jennifer mentioned Jamie had said she would need two hands to count all the dates Dad had been on. 

Someone brought up the topic of Dad having a framed picture of a lady on his chest-of-drawers.  I had to turn my back toward my sisters at one point because tears came to my eyes.  I was not ready for this.  I was not ready for another lady to come into Mom’s house.  I guess I always thought Mom and Dad would be together forever. 

Mom had mentioned about Dad remarrying before, but all along I had not even thought about it until now.  We thought about the house and what exactly Mom had written in her will.  She was concerned for us, and I think she put in her will we would get the house when Dad passed away.  She had everything all planned out and had thought about everything; whereas, I had not thought about any of it.  That is why she hid some money around the house for us because she was trying to look out for my sisters and me.

U  How can the information of your loved one dating someone be introduced/handled?  U

Yesterday, February 6^th, I talked with Jamie on the phone.  I told her I was going to call Dad, and she said he was out of town.  I asked her where he was, and she said he could tell me if he wanted to when he got back in town.  I told her not to hide things from me.  I asked her if he was on a cruise with another lady.  I just guessed, and I was right.  She told me some story and then said he went to the Bahamas, and this other lady went as well. 

Dad dating someone else is just a sensitive subject to me.  I know it is only fair for Dad to move on with his life, and it is only a reality for him to marry again.  Though, it does not make it easy on me.  I don’t want someone else coming into the house and changing everything.  Just to see another woman in the house is going to be hard to stomach.  Not having Mom around has been hard, but another woman in the house will always be a constant visual reminder of Mom not being there.

Confirmation

I got out a devotional my family had given to Mom on August 30^th, 2002 to celebrate her 60^th birthday.  Her devotional is another thing of Mom’s I truly cherish.  I started reading the devotional the first week of January 2004 because I finished my other devotion book.  This devotional seemed like it was just for me.

I was floored by the devotionals for January.  The title for January 7^th was “Thank You for Calling Me.”  The scripture was from Isaiah 43:10, “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he.”  That scripture was enough in itself to blow me away.  The devotion stated, “Who am I?  Only one little insignificant person in this great world.”   

It is as though each thought I start having gets confirmed by reading this devotion and others.  This devotion spoke of the work the Lord had for me to do here on earth and about me wanting to tell everyone about all He has done for me.  The responsibilities He has put on me at times have seemed overwhelming through the process of writing and editing this book.

Mom did not write in the journal I gave her.  As I was flipping through it last week, I noticed she had highlighted March 30^th.  The title of the devotion was, “Passing the Test.”  Part of the devotion stated, “I felt tested to the limit, Lord, but through it all I knew You were there, helping, strengthening, and comforting me.  I don’t know why I had to struggle, but You knew the answers and I trusted You.”

If she did this devotion on March 30^th, she was going through things by herself before she told anyone.  That would be just like Mom to know there is something wrong and not tell us.

Thursday night, I was struggling to write my overview for the book.  It just wasn’t coming to me.  Friday morning, I asked the faculty at school again to pray for me to have wisdom.  During chapel, that morning, a student which normally leads our singing said a prayer.  During the prayer, he mentioned, “It will come.”  He was probably praying for the students to recall the material they studied, to me God was telling me it will come.  I sat down to type, and it came.  And as I was typing, the confirmation came as well.  While I was typing about Mom walking in faith, the song, “Walk by Faith,” by Jeremy Camp came on.  This song talks about walking by faith, so I included Mom walked by faith instead of in faith.  I have heard this song over and over along with, “Here with Me,” by Mercy Me, exactly when I needed to hear it. 

Saturday I took Ashton to his basketball game at a church.  During half-time a lady spoke about her testimony and how God uses “ordinary people to accomplish extraordinary things.”  She also spoke of it being for “His glory.”  Two more words of confirmation to me.

Before I went to church this past weekend, I prayed the Lord would speak to me through His word.  When I got in church, I noticed in the bulletin, the sermon was on stewardship.  I was disappointed and immediately thought to myself I wasn’t going to get anything about my book during the sermon.  Boy was I thankfully surprised!!  My pastor, Brother Bill, spoke of two main points about stewardship.  The points were to use our God-given resources for His glory and to minister to others.  Wow!!  These were the exact two reasons I feel the Lord had me write this book.

 

God answers prayer, maybe not the answer we want or when we want it, but He answers according to His will.

U  Are you learning to trust in Jesus even though He may not answer your prayers the way you want?  U

 Donihue, Anita Corrine. When I’m On My Knees Daily Devotional Journal.

            Uhrichsville:  Barbour Publishing, Inc., 2001. January 7 and March 30.

Her voice

The Christmas season is approaching, and I have been thinking about Mom a lot.  I strain to remember things she said to me and to remember the sound of her voice.  I went to bed and cried thinking of her. 

I had a dream.  It started out just like an ordinary dream, and then I heard her voice.  In my dream, I called Paul on his cell phone and for some reason, I heard Mom talking.  I can’t remember what she said.  I remember diverting from what I was going to do in my dream and began to cry real hard.  This woke me up, but by then it all seemed so real, and I sobbed uncontrollably.  I heard Paul’s footsteps as he came upstairs, and I asked him if he would lay down with me for a few minutes.  I then told him about my dream.

For now, I will have to wait

I guess what I have been struggling with lately, is dealing with not wanting to be in a hurry to get to Heaven.  For five months, I thought I was going to die, and now I am not.  Well, I am not going to die of ALS.  It is not that I am depressed, but I was ready to go I guess.  I want to be with Him, and for now I will have to wait.  I miss Mom and long to see her again and to be with Jesus.  To just be able to look at Him face to face and live with Him in Heaven.  One day, to not experience sorrow, pain, and suffering.  I don’t know what it will take to get out of this mind set.  I imagine a lot of prayer and just cuddling up next to Him.

U  Are you standing as close as you can to the cross?  U

The results

I went to get my blood work first on Friday. The receptionist said she would call me on Monday with the results. I then went to get my MRI. He said he would send the results to the doctor Monday, so however long it takes the doctor to read the results is when I will find out.

I looked up MS on the internet this past weekend to try to learn a little more about it. I don’t know if everything is okay. I may not have ALS, but my muscles are not the same. So maybe I do have MS. I thought about him telling me the results over the phone meaning nothing was probably wrong. He could also call today and want me to come in because something is wrong. He was adamant on ruling out MS though. Hopefully, I will find out today and be able to move forward.

Evelyn was not very happy with me Friday. We needed her to pick up the kids, so they would not have to go to the doctor’s office. She asked me what I was going to the doctor for, and when I told her she said, “Don’t hide things from me.” I told her I had not said anything to her because I had not even told my family yet, and it was not the right time to tell them. We have had a lot going on in our family lately: Dad losing his job, Mom dying, Jamie losing her baby, and Aunt Jackie getting cancer.

Last night, I called Jennifer. I wanted to know how the ALS Walk-a-thon went. She told me she already raised $2,500, and I had not even sent her my check yet. I wanted to tell Jennifer what was going on with me. I knew out of all my sisters, she would be able to handle it without me knowing the results. The first thing I told her was I did not want her to be mad at me. She asked me how long I knew. I told her since the beginning of May. She understood and said she would have done the same thing. I was glad to finally be able to tell her. I told her I would find out the results this week and would call her. I also told her not to say anything to Dad and Jamie because I would tell them this weekend when I saw them. I will also call Joann and tell her. The tricky one is whether to tell Nana. If it is just BFS, I probably will not tell her. If it is MS, then I probably will wait a little. She worries so much and lost weight when Mom died. She needs to get strong.

The wait has gotten a lot harder because it is Tuesday around 11:00 a.m., and the doctor’s office has still not called. It just leads me to confirm I have MS. If the blood work would have been normal, they would have already called me. They are probably getting the MRI and checking it out thoroughly.

I finally called the doctor’s office either Tuesday or Wednesday to ask them the results of my blood work. They called back and said the blood work was good. She mentioned something about the B-12 and did not know what he would do about it. I started taking vitamins hopefully to correct the B-12. I called back Friday to ask if they had the results of the MRI. I told her I would be out-of-town and for her to call my cell phone with the results, so I could tell my family in person when I saw them this weekend.

I told Jamie as we were eating dinner, once I got to St. Simons. I brought the subject up by asking her how I should tell Dad and with what details. She suggested I not mention about the MS and that I got a MRI but had not gotten the results. I told Dad, and he was fine. He just wanted me keep an eye on it since Mom died of ALS. I also called Joann and told her while I was on St. Simons. She could not believe I went through that without being able to tell them. It would have added too much stress on my family.

Yesterday, October 18^th, I finally got the phone call I had been waiting for. She was sorry she had not called, but the MRI was read and was fine. I called Dad, Jamie, and Joann, told them the news then went to sleep. The one scripture I read in the last couple of days was very relevant: “I know the plans that I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me.” Jeremiah 29:11-13.

U Are you letting God be your refuge and your hope? U

U Are you relying on the doctor’s time frame in getting the results to you? (DON’T!! I put myself through too much stress assuming things were wrong because they did not call when they said they would!) U