Major changes

Dad had called to tell me he and Claudia went looking for wedding rings.  A week or so later he called to tell me he asked her to marry him.  She said yes!  I teased him about asking her to marry him before he had his shoulder surgery.  I later told her he was not a very good patient.

I reflected on thoughts that might have gone through his mind when he asked Claudia to marry him.  When he asked Mom to marry him, he probably thought that was the only time he would ever have to do that.  Did his mind flash back to when he asked Mom to marry him?  How can one block out those memories?  I am very happy for them.  As a dad would tell his child he had his blessings, I told Dad he had my blessings.  I thought it was funny.  They are going to get married October 1, 2005.

There are major changes because Dad and Claudia are fixing up the house.  Dad told me he took down pictures in the hallway.  This was a sore issue for me a while back, but I am fine with it now. 

 

I took Lauren and Ashton down to St. Simons for about a week at the end of May.  The house was a wreck with all the renovations.  All the furniture was in the middle of each room, so the painters could paint.  The screen porch was going to be glassed in and be an extension of the den.  New white cabinets are going to be put in the kitchen.  The list goes on.

Lauren walked in and slowly looked at all the changes.  She was not handling it very well.  I tried to motion to Dad without her seeing to quit talking about it.  Later in the week, as I was talking to Dad he started crying.  He did not like that Lauren was upset.  I told him she would get used to it.  Lauren doesn’t like any change.  She does not even want to go into middle school even though it is the same school.  She will have classrooms in different buildings and a lot more teachers.  Change brings her stress.

U  Are you being sensitive with those having difficulty with the changes?  U

He felt like he has to glue everything all together.  I told him he is having to do the things Mom always did and not to get overwhelmed; to take it in a little at a time.  He said, “What am I doing?”  He mentioned it happened so soon (about Claudia and him getting married).  I told him our timing is not God’s timing, and it was God’s will they met.

Claudia called Dad, and as they were talking he mouthed to me she was crying.  Dad wanted me to talk to her.  She too was upset the changes were upsetting Lauren.  I went through the whole spill with her as well.  I told her she had to make the house the way she wanted to and everything will be all right.  I also told her we needed to talk about these things and not hold it in.  

**Notice how the ladybug has a heart on it behind its head:)

Memories

This is the one area I struggle with the most.  It is almost as if she has been swiped from my memory.  This disturbs me greatly.  I struggle to remember the things she said to me through the years.  Times we had spent together…..vanished.  I make myself draw back to her.  Tonight, I went out to the back porch and moved the chimes, so they would make noise.  I was cleaning out a closet and found Mom’s hairbrush.  I stroked it.  It had her hair in it.  I can’t make it a shrine, but I did hide it.  I could not throw it away.

I am so very thankful God gives us memories.  Yes, some are painful, but I cling to the memories I have that bring me joy.  The one I have clung to lately is envisioning Mom in the bathtub doing her devotion.  That is a memory which can never be taken away from me.  I cherish that memory.  Memories are all I have.

I was reminded on the ride down to Dad’s a profound thought.  “That’s not Mom anymore.”  The statement is referring to her body in the casket.  I knew she was not there, and she was in Heaven, but my mind could not fully grasp that thought.  I talked to her while she was in the casket.  That was all I knew.  I had just been talking with her a few days earlier.  Her body is but a shell.  I cannot put into words the profound meaning I gained from this, but to me it was huge.   

A memorial ornament

I created a memorial ornament in memory of Mom.  This is one thing that just came to me.  It must have been from the Lord.  Since 1994, I have been making wooden Christmas ornaments for my family.  I had not come up with an ornament yet, and I was running out of time.  Once it was finished, it was beautiful.  Mom loved angels.  I made the angel lift her arms to the sky as if she was praising Jesus.  On the banner above her arms, I wrote “JESUS.”  The angel has big wings that have a shimmery glitter all over it. 

I attached a card that read on the front, “Our Angel.”  Inside the card I wrote, “This memorial angel was created in memory of my mom, Elaine Royal, who loved angels but more so loved Jesus with all her heart.  She is now in Heaven praising Jesus….the one who made the angels.”  I knew that was what she was doing in Heaven….praising Jesus.

U  Is there something you could make or do that would honor your loved one? U

The things I cherish (part II)

Another thing I have of her that I cherish is her bedroom shoes.  I have become attached to them and have worn them during the winter.  There is a big hole at the top of the right toe, and they aren’t pretty.  They were Mom’s and that’s what makes them special. 

U  Are there sentimental items such as a pair of bedroom shoes someone may cherish? (Some items need to be labeled with your loved one’s name because over time you may forget it was theirs.)   U

I also have two plants in my living room from her funeral.  I took Lauren and Ashton on a trip for a few days.  When I came home Paul had forgotten to water the plants, and one had wilted.  I panicked and thought the plant would not make it.  Thankfully, they are still here to remind me of her.

I have cherished all the things she has saved for us.  She saved Christmas cards she gave to Dad and Christmas cards we sent to others when we were young.  She saved Mother’s Day cards I sent to her, cards from Dad, cards she sent to Dad for his birthday, and anniversary cards Mom and Dad gave to each other.  You name it, I have it.  I even have the cards Lauren and Ashton sent to Mom while she was sick.  The cards are precious.  She saved everything: Dad’s baby rattle and his Bible when he was young, Mom and Dad’s patches from their letter jackets in high school, and postcards from their honeymoon.

Going through all these things has drawn me “closer to her.”  Memories seem to be forgotten.  The freshness of her presence faded.  But then I pull out letters she wrote me when I was in college that freshness is quickly brought back.  I read in her letters, the love she had for me and how she missed me when I was away.  In one letter she wrote, “I love you very much and ask God each day to bless you and be with you – so just remember just because I don’t write each week it’s not because I’m not thinking about you.”

U  Are there cards and letters you can save for your children/grandchildren, so they can cherish them one day?  U

She also saved us an entire box of pictures.  Some of the pictures are from before I was born.  She took the family scrapbooks apart and divided them between the four girls.  I also found all of her old checks that were boxed up.  I found checks she wrote when I was in kindergarten, a check to the family pediatrician, and one she wrote on my birthday.  I will always cherish all the things she so thoughtfully saved for us.

The things I cherish (part I)

There are certain things I have of Moms I cherish.  My favorite thing is her wedding band.  Mom wanted us to “draw straws” to determine who would get their possessions once they passed away.  She did not want us fussing over their things.

We drew slips of paper that had written on it particular cherished items; I drew the paper to get her wedding band.  Her wedding band is made of silver.  I wear very little jewelry, and the jewelry I wear is gold.  I said something out loud about me not wanting the wedding band because of this.  Mom made some comment to me as though she wanted me to keep it.  She told me I could at least give it to Lauren if I did not want it.  Jennifer said a few things to me and talked me into keeping the ring.  Jennifer took it to someone she trusted and got it sized and fixed for me.  I later thanked her for telling me to keep it.  I love my ring and do not take it off.  I look at it and think of all the things Mom did while she wore it.  All I have to do is look down on my hand and be reminded of her.

I found Mom’s diary she had when she dated Dad in high school.  I would read it when I went to Dad’s house.  I brought it to my house, and I love reading it.  She has his name written inside the front and back covers.  She wrote: she met Dad on March 7^th, 1958, she saw a fallen star on April 5^th, the first time she went out with Dad was May 24^th, Dad first kissed her June 4^th, Dad left for college September 7^th, and how she cried half of the night.  On September 14^th, it had been one year since her daddy died.  On February 1^st 1959, she wrote, “Went Sunday school & church came home Jimmy came over and at 2:40 Jimmy gave me his ring.”  Later she wrote, “….ask me if I wanted to wear his ring.”

I would laugh as I learned she would pretend to be sick and not go to school.  The one thing that was weird was reading what she did on March 14^th.  Little did she know when she wrote that, she would die on that date in the future.

Pressing forward (part III)

One night, we met Claudia at the bowling alley, ate dinner, and then bowled.  Dad couldn’t bowl because of his hurt shoulder, so he just watched.  I was being very honest with Claudia and told her my only concern was she had a good relationship with the Lord, and I told her I didn’t have to worry about that.  Dad had told me she wanted them to start a Bible study together.  She is a very good influence on Dad, and I see it being a very positive relationship for him.  I really like her a lot.

Before we left the bowling alley, Lauren invited Claudia over to watch a new kid’s movie she just got.  By the time we left, Dad said he and Claudia would watch their show they had taped, and the kids could watch theirs.  This broke Lauren’s heart.  She wanted Claudia to watch the movie with her.  Claudia, Lauren, and Ashton rode back to Dad’s in her car, and Dad and I rode together.  I told Dad Lauren was upset and asked if there was any way Claudia could watch the movie with Lauren.  Claudia did just that, and I know Lauren was happy.

U  If you are the new significant other, can you sacrifice personal time to be with the children/grandchildren?  U

The last day before we left, Dad, Lauren, Ashton, and I were headed to another of my favorite restaurants.  On the way there, Lauren asked if Claudia was coming.  I told Lauren she could call and invite her.  She called and Claudia said she would come if Lauren invited her.  Claudia decided to join us, but before she came, I told Dad he could take us on a cruise now.  Mom for some reason did not want all of us to go.  He said we could if it was just the girls, and he mentioned about Claudia possibly going too.  When Claudia arrived, Dad told me to tell Claudia what we were talking about.  I told her I was trying to get Dad to take the girls on a cruise.  He told me to tell her the other part.  I said, “I’m not going to tell her that, you tell her.”  He told her he said maybe if Claudia was still hanging around she could go too.  So…. Dad is looking into the future with her.

Claudia met the kids at the house and took Lauren, Ashton, and Kaitlin to the movies.  She dropped Kaitlin off at her house after the movie because she needed to get home then got some food for the kids and brought it back to the house. 

She got the kids a gift.  Ashton got some Match Box cars, and Lauren got a cute stationary set that included Claudia’s address in the address book, so Lauren could write her.  Claudia also put a picture of herself where she had written her address.  On the front of the holder, which held all the stationary items, she inserted a picture we had taken while we were on Jekyll.  She gave me a gift as well.  I opened it….it was an angel on her knees praying.  What a neat gift.  Later that evening, when we were all telling her goodbye, I asked her if Dad had told her Mom loved angels.  She said, “Now that you mentioned it, I think he did, but it was a long time ago.”  She had forgotten about it.  I thought it was neat, and the perfect gift.

U  Would a gift be an appropriate ice breaker for you to give when meeting the new significant other?  U

Claudia and I talked for a minute, and she mentioned how hard it must be on us.  I told her I had a lot of people praying for me, and it has helped a lot.  I told her I had to pray a lot before I met her, but everything was fine.  It was a great week; I had a few tears but did not really cry…..all because of prayer.

U  Are you accepting your loved one’s new significant other with open arms knowing the transition is difficult for them as well?  U

Pressing forward (part II)

Jamie and Kaitlin met us in church, and we all sat together.  For lunch, we went to Jin Right’s which was a Sunday afternoon tradition.  Paul had to go back to Athens, so he rented a car and went home after lunch.

Later that afternoon, we all went to Jekyll Island because Dad wanted me to take some pictures with my camera.  The first place Dad wanted me to take pictures was a section of the beach that had low lying majestic oak trees everywhere.  He wanted me to peer through the trees and take a picture of the lighthouse on St. Simons with the trees in the foreground.  We went to the other end of the island to have a picnic near where there was a shipwrecked shrimp boat.  We took a lot of pictures, had a nice picnic, and took some more pictures at sunset.

Lauren has become very attached to Claudia and wanted to basically spend every waking hour with her.  Claudia wanted us to spend time with Dad and did not want to take away our time with him.  I keep inviting her to do things with us because it did not bother me.  We made divinity at Dad’s house and amazingly so it did not bother me either.  I know I have people praying for me this week, and it helped a lot.

On March 13^th (the anniversary of Mom’s death), I prayed for the Lord to take control of my emotions and to help me.  I did not cry at all on the anniversary but did get tears in my eyes as I found things around the house which reminded me of her.  I have not forgotten her. 

I spent a lot of time talking with Dad on the anniversary of Mom’s death.  We were at the beach and talked about everything.  I told him about my dream.  He asked me if I was ever in Winn Dixie or the grocery store and thought I saw Mom.  I told him no.  He told me he would be in Winn Dixie and thought he saw her, but when he got closer, it was not her.

He also told me about Mom deciding not to get a trach.  I had never heard this story.  He told me after Mom had her operation they went to the doctor’s office (to see about getting a trach).  After about fifteen minutes, Mom was ready to leave.  Dad told her to listen a little while longer.  He said they would have had to take out her voice box(?) and she did not want anything to do with that.

After we had been talking a while, I looked at Dad’s watch.  It was 2:35 p.m.  Mom had passed away at 2:30 p.m.  Around this time, Dad got a phone call from my cousin about Aunt Jackie.  The cancer was clear in her lung and trachea, but the cancer was all in her brain.  Aunt Jackie was on her way down to visit with Granddad and Grandma Freddie in Macon for a few days.  She then wanted to spend St. Patrick’s Day in Savannah, and come to St. Simons for a few days.

The doctor called them when they were in Macon.  He told her the news and told her she needed to come back to Ohio.  She asked if she could stay a few days because she wanted to see Grandmother.  The doctor told her if she could start chemotherapy in Georgia she could stay.  Insurance would be a mess, so they had to go back to Ohio.  I told Dad to offer my assistance if they wanted me to tell Grandmother for them.  At first they said no.  The next day, they wanted me to tell her.  

I prayed before I went over to Grandmother’s house because I knew she would be upset.  When I got there, she was still in bed.  She said she had not slept well because she was up thinking about Mom, Jackie, and Johnny.  I told her that was the reason I was there, and that Jackie not going to be able to come down.  I told her all the details I knew.  She was upset, but she is a very strong lady.  She had a few tears but did not cry.  Dad knew he needed to take her to Ohio, so I told her he was checking on airline prices or whether they should drive.  We talked for a while.  She said before Mom passed away, she told Mom she loved her, and Mom said she loved her too.  She ended up getting a one way airplane ticket to Ohio to visit Aunt Jackie for a while. 

While at a restaurant getting ready to eat lunch, Dad was inquisitive of why ......... was upset.  I told him the three things:  they expected him to fill Mom’s shoes, they placed higher expectations on him, and they expected him to come visit them.  They were upset because they thought Dad was bar hopping instead of seeing their family when they were in town.  I tried to tell them differently; he was meeting with friends at night.

Wednesday and Friday nights he met with some buddies.  Some of the guys brought their wives.  He had been doing this before Mom passed away.   Dad told me to try to square everything up.

Joann and I talked one night about Dad getting married and how it could affect us.  Our family times, especially around the holidays, are very important to us.  Luckily, Claudia is a good Christian woman and a positive influence on my kids.  The opposite scenario could have been a woman that would have a negative effect on Dad and my kids.     

U  Is the loved one looking at the very big picture of seeing whether their significant other will have a positive influence on the family and grandchildren?  Are they interested in someone that wants to bond with the family?  (They may have to choose between the new significant other or their family.)  U

Pressing forward (part I)

I sat down with Lauren and Ashton separately about a week ago to tell them Dad was dating Claudia.  I told them they would meet her and to just treat her like they would anyone else, like family.  Ashton was okay with things, and I can’t remember anything he said.  As I was talking with Lauren, big tears streamed down her face.  Towards the end of the conversation, she said, “I could use another grandmother.”  Mom had always given Lauren special undivided attention, just what she needed.  Lauren loved spending special time with her, and I know she misses it.

U  How can you tenderly tell your children/grandchildren your loved one is dating someone else?  U

I had talked to Dad, and we decided I would meet Claudia at lunch Saturday.  It was a family affair.  Dad, Paul, Lauren, Ashton, and I met her at one of the restaurants on the island.  Lauren was nervous and told me, “I don’t know what to say.”  Her nervousness quickly dissipated as she was devouring all of the attention Claudia was giving her.   Then we all went to the beach for a little while.  It was very windy and a little chilly.  I enjoyed getting to know her.  She made a point of spending time with the kids.  She helped bury Ashton in the sand up to his neck and helped Lauren build a sand castle. 

Dad invited Paul and I to go to his Sunday school class.  He had been telling me how much he liked his teacher.  I knew we would be the spring chicks of the class, but I wanted to go anyway.  He was telling me all about the people I knew in his class.  His Sunday school class served Mom and Dad so selflessly. 

We went by Claudia’s condo and picked her up.  When we got to his class, I saw all the familiar faces.  I saw Lurlyne first, hugged her, and visited with her for a few minutes.  She talked about Mom and said she was such a good friend, and she missed her.  She told me Mom was “her rock.”  Betty walked into the room next, and I hugged her.  I talked with Joan after class and asked her if it was all right for me to write about her in my book.  I knew I may not see her again because she does not live on the island as a full time resident.  I spoke to John, who coordinated cutting Dad’s grass and said hey to his wife.  One of Joann’s best friend’s mother was there.  It was great to see everyone.

The church had recently renovated the children’s wing, and they were having an Open House.  Dad’s Sunday school teacher thanked Dad for Mom’s memorial funds which contributed to the renovations.  I thought it was neat on the anniversary of Mom’s death her church was having this Open House.

I was questioning Dad about the money being used for the children’s wing.  I specifically remember reading in Mom’s funeral arrangements the money was to be used to help the youth who could not afford to go to summer camp.   That was the first time Dad had heard what the money was being used for.  I was upset the money was not used for the youth this summer.

This bothered me, so I called the church and talked to the secretary.  She apologized and said at first the money was supposed to be used for the youth, and it got changed to children.  I told her no and that Mom was the youth director, and her passion was the youth.  Somewhere there was a miscommunication.  Maybe it needs to be written out what delineates children from youth.  I suggested there to be a form the family fills out which states what specifically the money is to be used for and for the family to be contacted before the money is spent.  I told her now that it is done, Mom wouldn’t have cared.  I just didn’t want it to happen to someone else.  Later, the secretary talked to Dad, and they may get some money from somewhere else, so the money can be used for the youth.

U  Is there a specific form you can fill out concerning the very specific wishes of your loved one so the money can be used appropriately?  U

Thankfully, this did get taken care of.  The money was placed back into a fund for youth that could not afford to go to summer camp.  The secretary did tell Dad there may not be many people which will need the funds.  Most of the families are able to pay for their children to go to camp.  Dad told them they could use the money for a piece of equipment the youth needed, and they will call before any money is spent.         

“I knew it would be hard” (part II)

I drove to Mom’s gravesite and parked the car.  I knew Lauren would not want to come with me, so I told Lauren and Ashton I would keep the car running, so they could watch a movie.  Once Ashton saw where we were, he said he wanted to get out.  I knew he would probably want to go with me, but I did not want him to feel like he had to.  I kind of wanted to go by myself because I knew I would cry.

Dad called before I started to walk towards the gravesite.  He wanted to know what time we would get to his house, so he would be there.  By the time I got off the phone, Ashton had started to walk toward the gravesite, and Paul was right behind him.  I knew I had to be strong for him.

When I got there, Ashton had already been scurrying about.  He was inquisitive, asking a million questions and making a million statements.  He was trying to figure out how old Mom was when she died.  I saw his little mind working.  I said, “Sixty-one.”  He thought she was sixty-two.  I told him if she would have made it to her birthday, she would have been sixty-two.  He wanted to know about the other corner markers for the plot next to Moms.  He wanted to know why Dad had his slab already there.  I told him so it would match Mom’s slab.  As we were standing there he said, “This brings back a lot of memories.”

I had wanted another affirmation from the Lord because my dream about Mom had put me in a tailspin.  I wanted to hear everything would be all right.  I asked Him for one knowing I should not.  Ashton and I stood at the gravesite for a while.  Out of the blue he said, “I think your book will do well.”  That is the only thing he said, and we had not even been talking about my book.  My confirmation was received.

I told him I thought Pops died March 11^th.  I asked him if he was ready to go, and he said he wanted to see Pops’ grave.  Ashton made it a lot easier for me.  Instead of me dwelling on why I wanted to come, I had to focus on him, and not cry in front of him.  I quietly said, “I love you Mom,” several times; then I walked with Ashton to Pops’ grave.  He died March 9^th, 2000. 

He was curious about Nana’s stillborn baby.  I showed him on the slab the baby was born August 28^th just like Granny.   We stayed for a few minutes then left.  Paul motioned to me Lauren had been crying.

On the way home, there was a beautiful sunset.  A little while later, Lauren said, “Mom….look at that….the moon is smiling at us.”  I answered her, “I know.”  Those were my exact thoughts I had just a little earlier.  It was as though God had the moon look at us and smile just for us.

When I pulled up to Dad’s house, I went through a flood of emotions.  I went outside to let my dog out and heard the wind chimes.  Mom loved wind chimes and had them hanging outside on her back porch.  As they blew in the wind, they reminded me of her.  It was as though I heard her voice in the chimes say, “I’m here.”  I got big tears in my eyes and said out loud, “Lord help me.”  I turned around and hoped no one heard me.  Luckily, I was alone.  I knew it would be hard.

U  Are you crying out to the Lord during your difficult times?  U