Peace in the midst of a trial

For the following few weeks, after I felt Mom would be healed, I felt great peace.  Instead of crying all the time and thinking about her dwindling away until she died, the days passed quickly without thought of her passing away.  I went from counting the number of times I would see her until she died, to sometimes going through the day without thinking of her much at all.

"God can do it again!"

This particular day would turn out to be even harder.  Mom’s allergies had not been well lately, which made her have a lot of drainage.  She said the back of her throat was raw from all the drainage.  When she started coughing, I had to bring her a cup of water to try to settle her cough.  That didn’t always work, and I would have to get her a cough drop.  My sisters told me from their previous visits Mom started choking on her food.  Jennifer told me one time she thought she was going to have to do the Heimlich maneuver on Mom.

U  Do you know the Heimlich maneuver and CPR in case you need to use them?  U

That night as she was watching television, she started to have one of her coughing attacks.  Nothing seemed to work.  She leaned forward and dropped the cough drop out of her mouth.  She looked at me with despair and even though I tried not to panic, I did.  I saw she could not get her breath.  I looked to Dad that was sitting there the whole time, and I motioned for help.  He got up and lifted her up to walk outside on the porch so she could get cooled down.  She cooled down and got her breath.  She told me because I panicked, I made it worse.  That night before I went to bed, she apologized if she made me upset.  I don’t know if that conversation was brought on by Dad or not.

U   Are you remembering it is very important to your loved one for you to remain calm during stressful times?  U

I lay in bed that night going over all the events of the day and cried.  Another seed of doubt came into my mind.  I read my devotion for the night and the previous night’s devotion because I had not read it yet.  After I read both devotions, I skimmed through other devotions I had already done.  I stopped flipping through the book, and the book laid open to the devotion for February 2^nd.  I read the last few comments at the end of the page which read, “Write down one specific moment when God delivered you or gave you a miracle in some way, and thank him.  Then remind yourself that if God did it before, He can do it again!”  The title of the devotion was, “God Can Do It Again!”  That was all that I needed to read to sooth me and to give me reassurance.  I now had 110 % confidence He would heal Mom.  He was telling me to wait.  All I had to do was trust Him.

Before I left for the weekend, I decided to tell Dad briefly I thought Mom was going to be healed.  He listened and then replied, “We’re waiting.”  This in-depth answer, in a way surprised me a little.  My parents and I have never really had serious, in-depth conversations.  For example, when it came time for me to learn about the birds and the bees, they sent me to a weekend church retreat that was called, “Birds, Bees, Wees, and Human Sexualities.”

My parents don’t open up and talk about their emotions.  When we found out Mom was diagnosed with ALS, I became concerned.  I just did not think Mom would open up and share her feelings with Dad.  She had a lot of close friends, but I found out they “bounced” around bringing the subject up but did not discuss it directly.  So, I decided to write Mom a letter.  I sat on my front porch and poured my heart out to her.  It was a very difficult letter to write.  I told her I did not want her to bottle her feelings up and she can call me anytime to talk no matter the time.  She has not called yet, and I’m not expecting a phone call either.   

Fuller, Cheri. The One Year Book of Praying through the Bible. Wheaton:        Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2003. February 2.

Signing Dad’s card

Mom had not signed Dad’s Valentine’s Day card yet.  I got the card out of the bag and brought it to her.  She said she did not know if she would be able to sign it.  I put the pen into her hand and held the card for her.  We tried once and it did not work.  We tried again by repositioning the pen in her hand.  It took a lot of effort and looked like a kid’s handwriting, but she did it!

We brought Mom a pretty Valentine’s bouquet of cookies from my cookie shop.  The cookies were on sticks and decorated beautifully in a mug.  I knew Mom might have a hard time swallowing the cookie. 

While we were there, my kids wanted to have a tea party with her.  Lauren brought down her ceramic tea set, and each one of my kids had their own individual tea party with Mom.  We put tea into the tiny cups and broke up small pieces of the cookie.  I took a picture of Mom during the tea party; she was wearing her Georgia Bulldog sweatshirt.  She could not really eat much.  Mom said the cookies were, “cakey.”

U   If you are the ill loved one, can you give small amounts of quality time your loved ones need, even if you are worn out?  (This was the last quality time my kids had with Mom.)  U

The laying on of hands

 

 

 The laying on of hands was a subject I knew very little about.  I talked with Nancy; she told me about a time she saw healing personally when her son touched a hot oven.  She prayed the burns would happen to her and not her son.  She took his hand and grabbed it as she prayed.  An outline of his hand burned onto hers.  His hand was completely healed.  She had also shared a story about her laying hands on one of her children.  As she prayed over them and laid hands on them, she felt a warmth go through her hands, and then they were healed.  I shared with her what had been happening lately with Mom.  She wrote me a note and told me that the Lord’s way to heal her may be to take her to Heaven to be with Him.  This was not the first time I had heard this.

Aunt Julie sent me the water from France, she also wrote a note stating Mom may not be healed physically.  She stated the water was no, “magic potion.” 

The same week at work, a teacher asked for our prayers during our prayer meeting because she was struggling with depression.  Our administrator felt we should gather around her and lay hands on her.  We laid hands on her, and in the four years I have been at the school, I do not recall us doing that before.

I went to Mom’s house Valentine’s weekend, the same week I received the water from Aunt Julie.  The trip down to her house was very peaceful.  While I was driving, something in my hand felt as though it popped.  I felt a tingling and warmth in my hand.  I continued to drive and prayed He was healing her.  It was weird.

A few other strange instances have happened, and I wondered if He was healing her at that time.  Once I was driving in my car, and my head started tingling all over for no reason.  Another time I was in my bed, I had my eyes closed and saw a bright flash of light.

I had been thinking a lot about not wanting anything to do with Mom being healed because I did not want to take any of the credit.  I continually prayed He would touch her and heal her or just speak and she would be healed.  I had not told Mom up until this point about anything I was going through.  I did not know how to even bring up the conversation.  I also did not want to get her hopes up high if God decided not to heal her.  This is where I doubted again.

Mom and I were sitting at the kitchen table, and I started to speak then paused.  She asked me what I was going to say.  I sat there trying not to cry because I did not want her to get upset.  I told her I needed a minute.  My eyes were beginning to fill with tears.  We both looked away to help me pull myself together.  Lauren and Ashton were playing in the adjacent room, and I did not want to have the conversation in front of them.  I asked her if we could go into her bedroom.  I walked her into her room and helped her sit on her bed.  I had the box that had the water in it.

I proceeded to tell her everything.  She said it would be okay to pray over her.  She said she believed in miracles.  I told her I felt inadequate about what to do or say concerning the laying on of hands.  I opened the bottle, poured some water into my hand, laid my hand on her, and said a prayer.  I did not feel any warmth go through my hands and as I opened my eyes, I looked up and she had not been healed.  What a blow!!  I had felt like a failure in many ways.  I had probably gotten Mom’s hopes up high and that hurt a lot.  I told her I had to do what I thought I was supposed to do.  I helped her back up and took her back into the den.  To end the conversation, she told me she would call me when it happened.  Holding back the tears I said, “I better be the first one that you call.”

While she sleeps

Putting Mom to bed was a feat in itself.  Dad would lay her down and adjust her body to the most comfortable position.  He would lift her arms and lay them on her body as she could not do so herself.  It was confusing at times when she would tell us to put her left arm on her right leg.  Usually we would be facing her, so it would be opposite of what we thought.  I would just giggle out loud and make light of the situation. 

When Mom would be sleeping at night, I would sneak into her room, lay hands on her, and ask God to heal her.  I did not want her to know I was in her room, so I would softly touch her as she slept.  This was something I was already doing, but I wanted to get the water from Aunt Julie and lay hands on her with the water.

U  Are you willing to accept it may not be God’s will to physically heal your loved one? U  

What was God trying to tell me? (part II)

 

The devotion book I am going through has a prayer at the bottom of the page.   On February 23^rd, the prayer stated, “Oh Lord, you have done many miracles for us.  Thank you that your plans are bigger than all of us put together!  How I praise you for your wonderful deeds!”

On this same night Paul read the kids their devotion, and it was concerning Jesus healing a blind man.  At the beginning of the devotion it read, “Are you willing to stand for something you know is true, even when you’re the only one standing for it?”  One thing I have to be very careful with is even though I have a lot of strong Christians telling me what they think, I have to have faith and believe.  I can’t take what they say, even though I hear it audibly, over what God keeps telling me.

Tonight, (February 24^th), I went to a FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) banquet.  Before the featured speaker spoke, the people involved with FCA were sharing what was happening with FCA in their schools.  One particular man spoke then told about his son and how he was healed of cancer one month after he had been diagnosed.  He spoke of the “great physician” and playing baseball with Lou Gehrig.

One way Mom could to be healed and would be a great testimony, would be for her to go to see the movie, The Passion, and for her to walk away from the movie healed.  I heard a deaf girl in the movie was healed on the set.  Just this morning, I overheard two students talking about the movie.  I did not hear the beginning of the conversation, but one student poked fun at the notion that people in wheelchairs aren’t going to just pop up and walk away from the movie.  I wanted to make a comment to him but did not.  If that is how God wants to draw people to Him, He can.  He can do whatever He wants, and I would love if that happened to Mom.

Jennifer is going to Mom’s house, and I told her I wanted her to take Mom to the movie.  It was my birthday Saturday, and I wanted her to take Mom to the movies as my birthday present. 

Fuller, Cheri. The One Year Book of Praying through the Bible. Wheaton: 

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2003. February 23.

Persegheti, Jackie. Caution:  Dangerous Devotions. Colorado Springs: 

Chariot Victor Publishing, 1995. 86.

Thorn in the flesh

The same weekend I started writing this book, I felt as though my kids and I probably have pinworms.  This is not the first time I had them and both times I was fervently praying for something.  I believe Satan is attacking me through various ailments in my body.  My wrist has a cyst in my bone and has not bothered me for a while until I started praying.  I had to start wearing my brace again.  The weekend I started typing, my clavicle bone started hurting so bad, I had to take Advil.

Impressed to write down my thoughts

The week of February 16^th was when I was impressed to write down my thoughts.  I don’t know why or for what reason, but I am again doing what I think I am supposed to do.  The night before I started writing, I read my devotion for the night.  The title of the devotion was, “Share your story.”  One of the last statements written on the page read, “Today, ask the Lord to give you the courage and power to share your story and proclaim the Good News to those you live and work with.”

The night I started typing, the title of the devotion was, “Just trust me.”  Again, I sobbed.  I even picked up Paul’s cell phone and turned it on believing Mom may call and tell me she was healed.  The phone never rang.  One of the statements written in the devotion were, “…no one had hope for Jairus’s daughter.”  That is what I feel some people think about Mom, there is no hope….that the best thing would be for the disease to progress quickly, so she will not have to suffer.  Jesus commanded Jairus’s daughter, “Get up, little girl!” (Mark 5:40)  I wish God would say those powerful words to Mom.

I jotted down a few words that reminded me of things I wanted to write about.  I did not know where to start and what to say first, so I just started typing.  I could write an entire book on all the situations in which the Lord was telling me He was going to heal her.

Fuller, Cheri. The One Year Book of Praying through the Bible. Wheaton:

Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2003. February 20, 21.

U  What is the Lord possibly prompting you to do?  U

U   Are you having a daily quiet time to help you get through?  U

The kid’s devotions

Lauren and Ashton’s devotion book has been amazing.  There is a series of devotion books we normally get, but when I went to get the next one, the store had sold out.  I got them a new one in January, but it was not the one I wanted.  I don’t view me getting this particular devotion book by happenstance. 

I decided to go back and see how many previous devotions we had already read concerning healings and miracles.  One was from the book of Matthew.  Most of the devotions came from the book of Mark, which shows many of Jesus’ miracles, and a few from Luke.

Out of the twenty-two stories we have read so far, twelve of them have dealt with healing.  Many other things around us also pointed to healing and miracles.  My kids told me their Sunday school lessons concerned healing.