MOM!! MOM!!

 

Just a few hours earlier, I had placed Dad’s cell phone number and the Hospice number on the closet door.  I quickly called Dad’s cell phone and in a panic state told him Mom almost stopped breathing.  He told me to call the Hospice number.  I shook Mom and said out loud, “Breathe!!”  I then called the Hospice number, and they said they would page Angie.  Angie called back, and I told her what happened.  I asked her if I should use the BIPAP machine, and she said I could if I wanted to.  I did not know much about the BIPAP machine and did not want to bring Mom back to life if that were not her wishes.  She said she would be there in a few minutes.  I then called Dad back and asked him whether or not he wanted me to use the BIPAP machine and he said I could try. 

As I was right in the middle of helping Mom, Nana called.   I asked her if I could call her right back.  I did not know that the BIPAP machine assists the patient; it will not breathe for them.  I remember calling out very loudly, “Mom!!.....Mom!!”

U  Has the primary caregiver educated friends and family concerning the exact functions of equipment and administering medications if they will be left alone to care for the loved one?  U

U  Are the instructions and phone numbers discretely posted in the room?  U

This night

This night was the hardest night I have ever gone through in my entire life.  Mom just could not get settled.  She needed her feet or head raised or lowered, her pillows needed to be adjusted, she needed a drink of water, she needed to be fanned, she would get hot and need the covers pulled off, or she needed to be leaned forward to help her breathe better. 

She would sip some water through a straw, swish it around and then spit in a cup.  She did not want to swallow because she did not want to choke.  Several times, she had me wake up Dad to help her.  One time we helped her get to the couch so she could sit up to breathe better.  She found some comfort in having us sit her up on the side of the bed with her feet dangling over.  She would lean all the way forward over her legs.  Another time was to deal with bathroom issues.  I was constantly up with her throughout the night.  I think I may have gotten two hours sleep.

She talked a lot in her sleep, and I did not know if she was calling me to get me up or if she was rambling on.  One time, in her sleep she said, “I knew it would be hard.”  Another time she mumbled a few words that woke me up, and at the end of the sentence she said, “….was just there.”  I started to get frustrated once or twice.  Her commands were usually one word.  I selfishly thought to myself why she did not say please.  Then I remember back to when I was in labor, and my words to Paul were one word and there was not a please behind it.

U  Do you have selfish expectations you can set aside?  U

U   Are you cherishing the moments, as hard as they are, while your loved one is still with you?  U

Dad greeted her the next morning with a silly welcome by saying, “Good morning, fart blossom.”  He came in to replenish the food for the feeding tube.  He teased her by saying something to the effect that he was giving her, “eggs and bacon.”  I was tired and needed a shower.  Dad said he could hear her through the monitor and for me to go ahead.  I told him Mom wanted someone to stay in the room with her, so he did.

Most of the day, I remember flipping through the channels trying to find something for her to watch on TV.  I wanted to take the kids to the beach that day.  It was chilly and they needed to wear their sweats.  They had a good time.  I came back and relieved Dad.

I asked Mom if she had written down her Shrimp Creole recipe.  She said she did.  I did not know how long it would be before she passed away, and I did not want the recipe to be lost.  Mom knew it was my favorite dish.  When she would call me and asked what I wanted her to fix for supper, my usual response was, “Shrimp Creole.”

U  Are there important things you want to make sure get handed down?  (Maybe you could ask another family member first.  In retrospect, I probably made her sad by asking about the recipe.)  U

Dad had placed some birdfeed on the ledge of the window in Mom’s room, so she could see the squirrels eating on the ledge.  When I would see a squirrel, I would tell Mom to look out the window.  One time, I showed her a squirrel that was on the tire swing.  The squirrel was biting at the string on the tire.  I don’t know what he was trying to do.

U  Can you place a feeder outside their window so they can enjoy seeing God’s creatures or plant flowers so they can enjoy His nature?  U

Spring break

I was planning to leave right after school on Friday, March 12^th, to go see Mom.  We only had a half day of school, and I expected to leave around 12:30 p.m.  Our manager at my cookie shop became ill, and I needed to help at the shop especially because we had a birthday party.  Someone had to get in the cow costume, and I knew my help was greatly needed.  I called Dad to make sure it would be okay to come down a little later.  He said he would be there to take care of her, and it would be okay.

The drive down was hard.  I thought of Mom a lot.  When we got there, Mom was in the back bedroom.  It was late, around 9:00 p.m.  She opened her eyes and gave us that ole’ familiar smile.  The kids came in and told her hey, and I began to talk with Dad about taking care of her for the night.  Mom, asked me to stay in the back bedroom, and I told her I was planning on it.  Dad did not stay up long.  He was physically exhausted.  I kind of was thrown the ball, and I had to run with it.  I did not know much about the feeding tube or the BIPAP machine.  I really wanted to get a shower and asked if Lauren could listen out for her.  Mom did not want me to leave her side, so I did not.  After I saw Mom, I thought the Lord was not going to physically heal her.  My goal for the week was also not going to be accomplished.  Mom was not going to get out of the house.

The graveyard

I coach the tennis team at the school where I teach.  The week I was to leave for Mom’s house, we had a tennis match out of town.  The restrooms were a little ways from the courts, and I walked to the restroom.  On the way, I noticed the graveyard.  I remembered seeing it the last time our team played there.  It had a new fence surrounding it since we had been there last.  I curiously looked through the fence at the old tombstones and could not see the dates on them.  On the way back, I decided to walk through the graveyard.  I walked past several graves that just had the temporary marker on the grave.  One of the girls asked me why I went to the graveyard, and I said I did not know.  Now looking back, I guess it was a walk to prepare me for what I was getting ready to go through.

U  Are you offering your loved one the opportunity to get a breath of fresh air or to change their mundane daily routine?  U

I'll see

One of the hard things I have faced through this is talking about my feelings to Paul.  I will tell him the details of how Mom is doing but not much else.  He has not seen me breakdown in front of him, and I am glad I have not.

 

Last night, I was telling him about Mom and trying to figure out my upcoming visit with her.  Paul has to go out of town for business, so he cannot accompany us to Mom’s house.  He was going to be in Florida, and I suggested he come by Mom’s house on the way back home.  I told him one of my sisters made a comment that she did not know how much longer Mom had to live, but it did not sound like too much longer.  I asked him to see Mom on Sunday before he went back home.  He replied, “I’ll see.”  Those words cut like a knife, and the tears started rolling down my face.  It was dark in the room because I was about to go to sleep, so he could not see my face.  I told him this may be the last time he sees Mom.  Then I thought if she was dead he’d be able to go.  I laid there and did not speak.  He came back into the room a few minutes later.  I guess he felt bad for answering that way and said it would not be a problem.  He could work it out.

U   What sacrifices of your schedule can you make to visit a loved one because you don’t know which visit will be your last?  U

That same night, as I lay there in bed, another thought popped in my mind.  Mom probably could not wait until she gets to Heaven.  She will not have to worry about her old body because she will have a new one that will not be wrecked with disease and pain.  I know I can’t wait for the Lord to return because of all the things we have to deal with while we are here.

Closer to Him

 

One of the things I have struggled with is having a consistent daily walk with the Lord.  I view my life as somewhat of a rollercoaster ride.  Sometimes I would walk closely with Him while other times I would just go through the days with little thought of the Lord.  Usually the times I am the closest to Him is when I am walking through the valley.  He has to get my attention by letting me go through a trial to make me look up.  Through the difficult times of watching Mom suffer (and it’s been hard), the Lord has brought me closer to Him than ever before.  The neat thing is seeing others draw closer to the Lord around me but far greater is me not wanting this closeness to go away.  I have gotten where I have always wanted to be…..closer to Him.

 

Tonight, I wanted to cry so bad concerning my walk with the Lord, but I could not.  I was in the car riding to church because the teachers had to meet the committee that was coming to renew our accreditation.  On the ride over, I was thinking about the relationship I had with the Lord, and I did not want it to go away.  I did not want the trial to last because Mom was suffering, but I did not want the trial to go away because I am enjoying the intimacy  I am having with the Lord.  Tears came to my eyes, but I held them back and told myself that I can cry tonight. 

 

The scripture that comes to mind is James 1:2-8, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”  This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life and what am I receiving from Him?  The intimacy I have always longed for!!

U  Are you enjoying the intimacy of His presence or have you hardened your heart towards His will?  U

I don’t want to know anymore (part II)

Mom is not eating or drinking orally for now.  Again, Mom had to sacrifice something.  This time the joy of being able to taste food especially her favorite foods.  Imagine craving a pizza, a milkshake, or seafood, and now you can’t ever satisfy that craving again.  Mom loved a cup of Coke without ice.  The doctor said she can eat or drink as much as she could tolerate.  Joann said before the surgery her eyes were sunken, and she did not have any color.  She said she looks much better now, and if Mom did not have the surgery she may have already died.  The surgery has bought her some time.

U   Are you being sensitive concerning not eating or drinking around your loved one if they can no longer eat or drink?  U

Dad is still figuring out what to do with Mom’s care.  Joann said if Dad sends her to a Hospice facility, he might as well go ahead and drive in the nail because she will give up.  She said Mom loves for Dad to take care of her.  This is funny because she did not want him to at first or at least she did not want him to stay home from work. 

Joann told me the small details like: Mom liking to suck on the corner of a wet rag; that she could not control her head any more, and restroom issues.  One of the funniest things Joann told me was Mom said she has an emergency.  The emergency was Mom wanted her head to be scratched.  I just think that is so cute.  She said Mom still has her spunk.  She told me Mom was concerned about Joann leaving her purse here and there while at the hospital.  Joann said her purse was attached to the wheelchair, and if someone wanted to take it then they would get a whirl.  It is funny Mom, in her weak state, would think of Joann and use such effort to speak with her weak voice.

Joann said she did not know if I would be able to handle Mom by myself.  I have two bulging discs and arthritis in my neck.  She seems to think I will mess up my back, which makes me even more determined I can do it.

U  Are there small details you can pass on about assisting your loved one?  U

I don’t want to know anymore (part I)

 

One of the hard things concerning Mom’s health worsening is what exactly I should tell my children.  I had just told them about the feeding tube and if she was in the hospital they may not be able to see her.  Ashton told me I could videotape her then show him the tape so he could see her. 

We read the kids their devotion tonight, and the story was about Sapphira and Ananias being deceitful.  The result was they both died.  Afterward, Lauren asked to see the devotion book.  She took the book and looked over it for a few minutes.  She said she did not like the devotion because it reminded her of Granny (because they had died).  When I went into her room to tell her goodnight I wanted to update her on Mom’s condition and prepare her for the upcoming week.  When I started speaking she replied, “I don’t want to know anymore.”  She knew it wasn’t going to be good news and would rather block it out instead of hearing what I had to say.

U   Have you put careful thought into telling children information about the loved one?  U

U  Are you being careful not to bring up conversations about the loved one around a sensitive child?   U

I talked with Joann today so I would know all the ins and outs about Mom.  She said Mom had not left the house since she got back from the hospital.  Mom now has a hospital bed at the house and uses a different room to sleep in.  The room has Mom’s bed, Dad’s single bed, and a few chairs for the visitors that come to see her.  A few people from Mom’s church came over today and did a short Sunday school lesson and sang a few songs.  Jamie told me the people from Mom’s church “were loving on her”.  She said someone had manicured Dad’s front lawn while they were gone.  One morning, Dad went to get the paper to notice someone had already gotten it for them and also dropped off some Danishes at the back door.

Joann said Mom basically stays in her pajamas when people come over to see her.  Joann went through Mom’s pajamas and threw out the old and yucky ones.   She bought her some new ones Mom could wear as visitors came by.  She even offered to get her dressed to wheel her around the block, but Mom did not get out.  I asked her if Mom went to church.  When Jamie asked Mom if they were going to church, Mom responded in a way that sounded as if it was not an option.  She said Mom has never taken her wheelchair into church, so she did not know if Mom was embarrassed or what.  My goal this weekend is to get Mom out of the house.  I want to build up her time out of the house, so she may consider going to see, The Passion, with me.

Note:  Photo by my daughter Lauren Glenn.

Even in p.e. class / While I sleep

I was in my office, and I heard my co-worker call my name, and he told me to come here and hurry.  His class had come in and they were showing him their school play.  I sat down and watched in amazement.  The two skits they were showing us were about Jesus healing the men that had leprosy, and the other skit was about the men which lowered a man through the ceiling for Jesus to heal.

                                                  

While I sleep

I went to sleep praying for Mom to be healed and fell asleep.  I awoke having known I had been dreaming about her being healed.  There were tears in my eyes.