"Higher expectations?"

I talked with Joann on the phone, and she was mad at Dad.  She was not planning on going to see Dad anytime soon.  I felt she was placing "higher expectations" on Dad.  He was not fulfilling them because he was not spending quality time with her family instead of deviating from his normal routine of activities.  Dad never stopped the things he was doing just because we were in town.  He would still go hunting and do other things.  She also mentioned basically the door swung both ways; he could come see her.  She also spoke of his anger.

About a week later, I called her back and told her Jesus does not throw stones at us when we don’t act like we are supposed to.  He loves us!!  It was a hard conversation because in a loving way, I was reprimanding her for her behavior towards Dad.  I did not want to make her mad, but to me, her behavior was wrong, and it was affecting Dad.  He was just doing the same thing he always had done, and I think she was expecting Dad to fill Mom’s shoes.  Now, on the other hand, Mom spoiled us to death when we came in town.  She made us what we wanted to eat, washed our clothes, had what our kids liked to eat in the refrigerator, and the list does not end.

I told her Mom was probably the driving force of why Mom and Dad came to visit us.  I also told her I did not expect for him to visit me in Athens.

The conversation went well and she was quiet for a large portion of the conversation.  She just let me talk.

Anger is a part of grieving, and I can’t imagine what Dad is going through because I know how hard it has been for me.  The last time I was at home, I got on to Dad for cussing.  He said to me, “I know that you don’t think I am where I need to be, but I think that I’m doing just fine.”  I am not going to say anything else about his cussing.  He knows I don’t like for him to do it, and he realizes it when he does.

U  Are you putting undo stress on someone by expecting them “to fill the loved one’s shoes” since they have passed away?  U

August 28th

Tomorrow would have been Mom’s birthday.  I did not know what I should do about Dad and whether I should send him a card.  What would I say?  I called Joann and talked to her.  I decided to send him his favorite cookies from my shop and had Paul send them to him.  When I checked my e-mail today, Dad said thanks for the cookies, and on the same e-mail, he also wrote to Jennifer.  Jennifer and Juliette made Dad cookies and sent them to him also.  Tomorrow will be a hard day especially for Dad.

I think about what Dad thinks of when he sees us.  The one thing, I thought he may think is that he made love to Mom for us to be here.  I also thought about Dad having to face Mom everyday knowing she was dying and how hard that must have been for him.  It was hard enough seeing her the times I was able to.

Along with an e-mail, Dad sent us pictures of Mom’s and Brennan’s grave slabs.  Just looking at the slab makes me think about her and how at one time she breastfed us, loved us, and hugged us.  Now she is buried in the ground.  It is so hard looking at her picture.  It is hard to believe she is not here anymore.

On Mom’s birthday, I took the kids to the pool.  While sitting outside, I thought of Mom and said out loud that I missed her and I said "Happy Birthday."  I even sang, “Happy Birthday” out loud.  Call me crazy!!  Since I did not know if she could hear me, I thought it was appropriate to do so.  I never thought about Heaven and whether birthdays are celebrated.  I know Jesus knows the exact day and second we were born.

The appointment I have been waiting for

I called and got the neurology appointment I have been waiting for.  The lady told me it would be in September for new appointments.  She told me I could use another doctor.  I told her he was a Christian doctor who had done a previous test on me, and I wanted to see him.   I also told her Mom had passed away from Lou Gehrig’s disease, and I was having a lot of muscle twitches and wanted to get things checked out.  The appointment is scheduled for September 29^th.  That date cannot come soon enough.

U  Are you realizing the difficulty a person goes through as they wait for their prognosis?  U    

The fruits of my labor

I received back the fruits of my labor through my volleyball player.  She knew I had been struggling greatly about not being able to coach, and one day in the parking lot at school, she told me she had something for me.  I walked with her to her car, and she handed me a present.  She told me I could open it later.  I thanked her and went about my way.  When I got to my office, I opened the present.  She had made me a little booklet.  On the front it said, “When the going gets tough…..always remember:”  When I opened the booklet, I noticed she had written scripture on each separate index card.  The scriptures related about going through tough times and trusting Jesus.  At the back of the booklet, she wrote, “I love you, coach. Forever” and she signed her name.  I got tears in my eyes as I read several scriptures.  I told her I would keep it in my desk and probably need to refer to it often.

I saw this same student this summer, the week before school started, and she asked me if we could go out to dinner or get dessert.  She needed to talk to me.  We couldn’t decide where to get dessert, so I asked Paul for a suggestion.  He suggested a book store that had good desserts in the back of the store.  I met her there, but before she arrived, I decided to buy her the same book I read over the summer by Charles Stanley.  I gave her the book as we sat down, and we shared a slice of cheesecake. 

She poured her heart out about what all she was going through.  I helped her with the advice she needed to hear.  The Lord has something incredible He is going to do with her life.  I am just trying to steer her to look to God and honor Him.

A letter of love

I have wanted to write Aunt Jackie and my cousins from Ohio, but I did not exactly know what I wanted to say.  I knew I wanted to make sure my cousins knew Jesus since they were going through their mother having cancer.  I have been in my cousin’s shoes by watching Mom go through something so devastating and wanted them to have Jesus to lean on.  Aunt Jackie would especially need Jesus to make it through.  I did not want to be the one that never shared Christ with them, and when they died they would not spend eternity with Him.

I wanted the letter to be received well and not be pushy.  I had Paul read the letter, and he said it came from my heart and did not seem pushy.  I sent Aunt Jackie a card that spoke of comfort and wrote on her card; I sent my cousins an e-mail.  I asked the teachers in the prayer meeting to pray the letter be received well.

The next day, I checked my e-mail, and I received an e-mail from one of my cousins.  She thanked me for my kind thoughts and prayers and said she would stay in touch.

U  Is there a letter of love you can send to a loved one?  U

Jesus in the rocking chair

Today is August 22^nd.  I went out on my front porch to listen to the words of my new CD.  I went through a flood of emotions.  As I listened to the words, they ministered to me so deeply because the words iterated exactly what I was going through.  I got goose bumps all over my body numerous times.  I contemplated so many things as I sat there.  The wind was rustling the leaves on the trees, and I was reminded God was with me.  I looked over at the empty rocking chair and knew He was right there with me.  He was comforting me.  I reached out and grabbed His hand as we sat in the rocking chairs.  My spirit was calmed, and I enjoyed being quiet and sitting with Him.  It was peaceful, refreshing, and uplifting.  I haven’t felt much peace with everything I have been going through.  He also reminded me of the impact my Christian walk has had on people.

U  If you are saved, are you remembering that Jesus is always in the rocking chair next to you?  U

My two favorite songs are, “Voice of Truth,” and “Who Am I,” by Casting Crowns.  Paul calls my new favorite songs, “One song wonders,” because I play them over a billion times right after I get them.  They just minister to me.  The words are so powerful because my favorite songs usually relate to what I am going through. 

I encourage you to look up the lyrics.  You will be blessed! 

U  Are you letting Christian songs minister to you?  U

Back at the hospital again

When I arrived back in town, I heard about a mom (of two students at my school) who stopped breathing.  She was in the hospital.  I went to my shop and put together a bouquet of cookies for her.  I had never met their mom before, but again I felt I needed to go to the hospital for the girls.

When I got there, I asked the lady at the front desk what room she was in.  She pointed to two ladies and said she was her mom; the lady next to her was her sister.  They were on the way to her room.  I introduced myself to the ladies and went to the family ICU waiting room.  When I got there, the girls said hey, and I sat down and visited with the family.  A lady from my church was there, and I did not know she was the sister-in-law of whom I went to visit.  We chatted for a long time, and I told her since Mom passed away I have felt like I should be ministering to other people.  The lady I went to visit was called, “The Miracle Lady,” by the hospital staff.  They don’t really know how long she went without breathing.  She was revived, but they did not give her much hope.  The day I visited, I did not get to see her, but she was now awake and able to talk.  What a miracle!

Always in the middle

One of the things I stated to Aunt Jackie was I always seemed to be right in the middle of all that has been going on.  She said something to the effect as though I was like Mom.  I felt I have to be like Mom in a lot of cases.  I have had to be the bearer of bad new to so many people in my family.  I seemed to be on St. Simons Island when everything bad starts happening.

U  What is God’s purpose in always having you in the middle? (I believe He wanted me in the middle, so I could help others.) U                                

  U Is it because you are the best vessel He has?  U

I had to call my sisters also and tell them the news about Aunt Jackie.  We don’t know her fate right now.  She seems to think the radiology and chemo will get everything, and they will take it day by day.  She reminded me of Mom making light of the situation about her illness.

I went to Savannah on my way back to Athens to visit Granddad and Grandma Freddie for a little while.  I guess Aunt Jackie called them and told them, because before I left, Grandma Freddie made a comment to me about her.  I went to Nana’s house to visit with her as well.  We had my favorite meal….Shrimp Creole.  I told her about Jackie.  We talked for a while, mainly about Mom.  She and I both got teary eyed.  She told me she did not get to tell her everything she wanted to tell her.  I told her I didn’t get too either.  She said it is so hard to believe she is not with us.

Aunt Jackie

I went down to St. Simon’s again last week.  Before I left, I told the Lord I could not deal with anyone else dying, and I had been praying for my grandparents to stay healthy.  Aunt Jackie called Dad, but he was not home.  Jamie wrote a note and put it on the table that she had called and had some news to tell him.  Later that evening, she called back, and I answered the phone.  Dad still was not home, and I asked her if she wanted to tell me the news.  She told me she had cancer of the brain, lung, and trachea.  Right after she told me, Dad walked in the house.  She told me it would be easier for me to tell him.  She was already getting upset telling me. 

I told Dad we needed to talk, and we walked into his office.  I told him the bad news.  I saw him wipe his eye.  This was the fourth devastating thing to happen in Dad’s life since March.  Mom died, he lost his job, Brennan died, and now his sister has cancer.  He is not one to open up and share his feelings.  One evening, I was sitting at the table in the kitchen and Dad came and sat down.  I told him Jackie was asking how he was doing, and I had to tell her I really did not know because he did not talk about his feelings.  I tried to give him an opportunity to open up and talk with my initiating the conversation.  He sat there and said nothing.

Aunt Jackie asked me if I would be there for Grandmother when she called and told her the news.  I told her I would.  When I called Grandmother, she did not want me to come over because she just had a bronchial infection and a fever.  She did not want me to get sick.  When Jackie called back, I told her what Grandmother said.  I told her it was up to her, and I would go over there if she wanted me to.  She said she would think about it and call me back.  She called back later and asked if I would go ahead and go over to Grandmother’s house.  Her rational was I was going to be there until Saturday, and she wanted me to be there if Grandmother needed to talk.

U  Is there someone you can be with as they receive bad news?  U

I went over to Grandmother’s house, and she was sitting outside in her wheelchair talking on the phone.  She told me it was Jackie.  I just nodded my head.  Jackie had already told her because I could tell from the conversation.  I guess Jackie then told her why I was there.  Grandmother told me she was okay, and I could go.  I did not leave.  Uncle Johnny (Jackie’s sister and Dad’s brother) was inside the house sick with a fever as well.  Grandmother wanted me to go inside and tell Uncle Johnny.

I went inside and told him I had some bad news to tell him.  I proceeded to tell him his sister had cancer.  We talked for a minute, and I went back outside to be with Grandmother.  She got off the phone, and we talked for a little while.  She was strong as she has always been her whole life.   She is a very independent woman living by herself since before I was born.  Grandmother and Granddad divorced before I was born.  Granddad remarried Grandma Freddie and Grandmother never remarried.

The next night, I went over to Grandmother’s house, and I talked to her for about two and a half hours.  What did we not talk about?  We talked about Mom, the stress she had been under lately, her visiting Aunt Jackie, and stories about what happened when she was there.  She also mentioned she somehow felt she did not do so well with her kids.  She could not control that Mom died and Dad was going through so much.  I told her she did the best she could do (in raising her kids), and I was doing the best I thought too.  I went over the next night before I left and talked with her for about an hour.

Brennan

Besides Mom passing away and me not getting to coach my volleyball team, Jamie’s baby was delivered ten weeks early and died.  She went to the hospital, and they tried to stop her contractions.  She was sent to a hospital in Savannah because they could not stop the contractions, and if she had the baby early, this hospital had a great neonatal facility.  After they did an extensive ultrasound on the baby, the doctors noticed a large mass that filled up his whole lung.  They gave the baby about a five percent chance to live.  The doctor’s said if she did not deliver the baby the baby would die inside of her.  They decided for Jamie to have a c-section the next day.

I did not want Jamie to worry about calling the funeral home and all the details if he passed away, so I called and got all the information she needed to know.  Brennan was born the next day and weighed four pounds five ounces.  The doctors tried to incubate him, but they were not successful.  He never took a breath, but his heart beat for a few hours.  Everyone that was there was able to hold him.  Christopher Brennan Wiles went to be with the Lord, June 17^th, 2004, the same day he was born.  I thought about Mom being there to greet him in Heaven.  She probably did not share him very much when he first got there.

U  If you have a son or daughter with a terminal illness, have you talked to them about Jesus, and do they know Him as their personal Lord and Savior?  U

U  Have you talked with them about Heaven and for them not to be afraid?  U

 

I called my grandparents to let them know.  I called Grandma Freddie and Granddad (Dad’s father), Grandmother, and Nana.

I did not get to see Brennan but was heading down to St. Simons the next day anyway because it was my twenty year high school reunion.  On the way to St. Simons, Paul and I stopped in Savannah and visited with Jamie and Chris in the hospital.  Jamie was sitting there in Mom’s nightgown.  She had all the scars of having a baby because she had a c-section, but there was not a baby to cuddle.  She got teary eyed when I walked in as each person that walked in would remind her of why they were there.  I brought with me two baby blankets of Ashton’s because Brennan would be wrapped in a blanket when he was buried.  I told her she could use one of them if she wanted to, and she would not hurt my feelings if she did not want to use it.

 

I asked her if she minded if I see him at the funeral home, and she said that was okay. They decided to bury Brennan at the feet of Mom’s grave.  The funeral would be Tuesday.

Sunday night I called Grandmother and told her I was going the next morning to see Brennan at the funeral home.  I asked her if she wanted to go.  She needed to think about it and when I called her back later, she decided to go.  I met her at the funeral home, and we went into the room to see Brennan.  He was lying in an eighteen inch coffin, and he had a cute white outfit on with a white hat on his head.  Tucked under his arm was a stuffed animal one of Jamie’s friends got for him.  He was precious.  Jamie had decided on a beautiful, white blanket to have him wrapped in.

U  Can you offer to give a special stuffed animal or blanket?  U

I looked at him just like I did Mom and knew he was in Heaven with her.  I took a few pictures because I did not know if Jamie would want them.  I cried and before I left, I kissed him goodbye and told him I would see him in Heaven one day and to wait for me.

The funeral was Tuesday and was difficult especially after just having to bury Mom in March.  The funeral was to start at 10:00 a.m. and nearly twenty-five minutes later, Grandmother was still not there.  We started the funeral without her.  At the end of the funeral, Uncle Johnny pulled up with Grandmother in the car.  She was distraught because she had missed the funeral.  They got lost.  I tried to get her to calm down and told her at least she got there.  She was thanking me for asking her to go to the funeral home to see Brennan since she did not make the funeral.  She asked if anyone filmed the funeral, and I told her no.  When I asked Jamie if she wanted me to tape the funeral, she shook her head no.

I ended up staying the whole week instead of staying for just the weekend.  I went over to Jamie’s house and helped her around the house.  I gave her house a good spring cleaning.

U  Are there things as simple as housework you can do for someone?  U

Dad was planning on going on a mission trip to Panama.  He decided not to go because he would have missed the funeral.  He made a comment to one of my sisters about dealing with this kind of stuff was for Momma.  There will be plenty more times he will have to take Mom’s place.